Darling Orange, Let's Elope!

(Long post. Feel free to skip)

The other day I heard someone say that she wants to be a CEO someday. And I was like, wait, how come *I* never dreamed of being a CEO? I mean, yes I always wanted a fabulous career where I get to wear Prada and carry a Birkin to work with a city view from a three inch thick carpeted office with rosewood desk and a leather chair with a mini-bar in the corner, but heck, WHY did I never dream of being a CEO!

And I realised I always dreamt of having love instead. That was my dream as a little girl. Not a CEO, a wife. Which is shocking considering how scared I am of marriage. And hated men for my entire teenage life. And still don't like kids much***. But hey! like they say, give a capricon girl a good marriage over a good career and she'll start drafting her resignation letter, I guess it no surprise then. And yes, I don't believe in astrology.

Anyway, M has been behind my life for me to get married. Like I am pull-my-hair-out frustrated with his "Shaddi kar lo yaar". And so owing to the fact that he has loads of friends I asked him to look for a guy instead of just giving me some mindless marriage gyaan. Like I can write a thesis on marriage too dude! Who needs free consultation? And so I drafted a list. A list of my must-haves. That should shut up him nice I thought. Here goes!

He has to lurrrve reading. Sorry, I never had this as a requirement, but I realized it's necessary. I remember this one time S told me he was reading a book, which in itself was a miracle. He hated reading anything that was 2 paragraphs long. So I, all excited, asked him which book! And he said Chetan Bhagat. Yes, yes I am a snobbish. But that broke my little book heart. It killed me to know that while I was *trying* to read Goethe, he was reading Chetan Bhagat. Like really? Chetan Bhagat? (but hey I still loved you!)

He has to love travelling. There's no fucking way I am settling for this. I'll marry a dog and take him on road trips, but if I don't find a man who loves travelling, I am not marrying. Period.

He has to love food but hate cooking and more importantly must know how to appreciate. I hated that S could cook so well. When do I get to show off then? And if he also loves cooking, there's going to be competition. He's always going to claim his stupid salad is better than my strawberry delight in front of the guests. No way lettuce, I am not sharing my limelight, I want it all baby! But yes, he can clean the kitchen. I am quite nice that way, see? I'll even do a 9 and 1/2 weeks if he promises to clean the kitchen every day.

And appreciation, well, since the time I started cooking, my dad has never ever said I cook well. The only way we know he loves my cooking is cause he always takes a second helping, which is unusual for him. I like cooking for people but they also better appreciate the cooking, unlike my mom, who'll say, "yeah it's okay, the carrots are still undercooked but you can make this for my next kitty party, my friends will love it." Yes. Thank you mom. You see? I am literally cooking for an ungrateful bunch of people. I would like some gratitude from my better half or he's eating in a restaurant.

Who lets me dress up. Yes, I am tired of men who want me to "just wear jeans". I want to wear a "dress". Yes, I am insecure. So till I find my inner beauty, let me wear that red number, ok gingerbread? Once I stumble upon my beautiful soul I promise I'll wear a sack.

He has to be a good conversationalist. I love talking. So I should ideally look for a great listener. This does not make sense, but whatever. I wake up everyday hoping to have a good conversation, and if I am marrying ever, he better be good at talking.

This one is so clichéd, but he has to be funny. I am not funny, so there has to be someone making the jokes right? Not at my expense though. Didn't I say I am insecure? If you are going to laugh at my ass you're sleeping in the bathtub. Simple.

He has to be passionate about something. Anything. Music, sports, Mac, the colour black, cars, Star wars, DC comics, butterflies, match boxes and sigh,  I'll even take diamonds (A girl can't be too choosy after all eh?). But men who have no passion in life are as interesting as a man talking about masturbation. No one wants to hear them.

And the last one, and this is like the filter test, he has to be intelligent. I am not. So the only hope for my kids is that their father has some gray matter. I realise it's a 50-50 thing, I mean what if they take after me? In that case I have a plan. I am giving them up for adoption. First come first serve basis. If the husband does not like it, he goes on sale too.

That's it. I promised it won't be huge. I am a girl of simple tastes after all.

***Every weekend we have these video chats with my sister where the nephew gets to show off and everyone gushes over his tiny arm movements. And where mom chastises me that I am a very horrible aunt who never talks to him, the kid. And I am like, what the hell, he can not even hear me! Or see me! He doesn't even know who I am or what I am talking. What am I going to talk to him anyway? Did you have lunch today honeybun? And oh you had oatmeal and gripe water! What a wonderful lunch you had! Isn't mommy the best? What? Why should I baby talk? I'll talk to him when he grows up and can understand me. Till then I am just going to laugh every time he tries to sit and falls on his diaper-clad tush. Haha, it's quite cute.