Pots & Pans...

You know what, wtf! It's 1:15am and I feel like I have let myself go - like you know - I have tamed myself. Started sugarcoating things, smiling at people I dislike and doing things I don't want to, generally became one lazy sloth who doesn't give a fuck about herself and her life. Why why why! I ask myself at 1:15am and all my mind says,"16 mins before you get another life" (on Candy Crush) - or then window shopping for clothes I can't afford and probably will never wear!

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Anyway, did I tell you I am getting married? No? Well, looks like I am.

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I always thought being married will be a big deal - as in it is a very big deal - but I always thought I would write like a 2 page essay on "How I feel now that I am getting married". But well - I don't feel like writing the essay. Maybe cause it has not yet sunk in.

Actually it has. I am super scared. You know in most marriages, it's the guy who's all scared and commitment phobic and all? I think in my case, the guy's pretty okay - atleast seems so - it's the girl, that's me!, who's all scared and jittery - not about the guy - but just about the whole "marriage" thing. At the same time I feel a little bit married already.

I think I am more scared of losing my freedom than the guy is - though he's promised I can get up any minute and go to Himalaya's if that's what I want to - so that's cool. Yes, that's why I am getting married to him, cause he's cool like that.

So one big confused scared excited happy mess I am right now.

Wait - got life. Be back.

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Also, I need to start reading again! I feel like a fake these days. Every time I see a book - I get scared of saying "I love books" - cause although I do still love them - I have been cheating on them with everything from candy crush to mindless pinterest to internet shopping to negative thoughts.

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I need to stop getting scared of marriage. Like stop being paranoid. The fear is robbing me of the joy of "getting married". The excitement of being with that one person you love and want to spend the entire life with. All that fluttery feeling, the counting of days, the day dreaming!

And some very essential beauty sleep!

Douse...

The weight of crushed dreams will crush you, yes, but the pain of being stripped naked of your dignity, that...that will kill you.

Into The Sunset...

Sorry to have wasted your time, he said, and walked away without any ceremony, without a backward glance at her, without a loving word.

She stood there, where she has always been. Alone.

Mountains Of Molehills...

When have I ever got things easily? Never. Always, it's been me struggling, fighting, putting in tears and sweat and they still won't happen. Which is when, I give up, I get tired of wanting and not having. I walk away. 

After getting punched in the face so many times, one day, you sit down after that bad blow and wonder, what, what have you been doing so wrong? You've been wanting something really bad. That's what. Finally through the tears you realize  that if it's meant to happen, it will. What does wanting something change? Nothing. Will or not. There's nothing left for you to do but make peace with it.

Now Or Never...

Even if the house at the end of the road is beautiful...I don't want it...if the road that took me there hurt me, I don't want to live there...