This species is a dear, hateful, sweet, barbaric, tender, vile, intelligent, confused, virtuous, evil, thoughtful, perverted, generous, greedy species. In short, great entertainment.
As I said before, humans are the only species that systematically tortures and murders its own for pleasure and personal gain. In fact, we are the only species that systematically tortures and murders its own, period.
We are serial killers. All our poems and symphonies and oils on canvas will never change that. Man's noble aspect is the abberation.
Those who argue that art and philosophy are proof of human worth neglect to mention that, in the scheme we have devised, artists and philosophers are completely powerless and largely without prestige. Art, music and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the high priests and traders gotten hold of us.
Most animals, when fighting one of their own, will show aggressive behavior, but very little hostility or intention to harm. And when the outcome of the struggle is inevitable, the losing animal will signal its defeat by exposing its most vunerable part to the victor, affording it the opportunity to finish the kill. The victor then walks away without inflicting further harm. These are the creatures we feel superior to. - George Carlin
"It seems to me that almost all our sadnesses are moments of tension, which we feel as paralysis because we no longer hear our astonished emotions living. Because we are alone with the unfamiliar presence that has entered us; because everything we trust and are used to is for a moment taken away from us; because we stand in the midst of a transition where we cannot remain standing. That is why the sadness passes: the new presence inside us, the presence that has been added, has entered our heart, has gone into its innermost chamber and is no longer even there, - is already in our bloodstream. And we don't know what it was. We could easily be made to believe that nothing happened, and yet we have changed, as a house that a guest has entered changes. We can't say who has come, perhaps we will never know, but many signs indicate that the future enters us in this way in order to be transformed in us, long before it happens. And that is why it is so important to be solitary and attentive when one is sad: because the seemingly uneventful and motionless moment when our future steps into us is so much closer to life than that other loud and accidental point of time when it happens to us as if from outside. The quieter we are, the more patient and open we are in our sadnesses, the more deeply and serenely the new presence can enter us, and the more we can make it our own, the more it becomes our fate."
— Rainer Maria Rilke
*****
Much like that, one morning I woke up and realised I had changed. I still wore clips in my hair, much like a school girl, and still measured 26 at the waist, and I have it from a 19 year old guy that I can easily pass off as a 23 year old, if not 22(of course I am vain, darling); but my inner landscape had completely changed. So much so, that I now felt nothing like I did just 2 days back. When I told this to AP, he gave me that you're-crazy smile, ignoring my admission as some female whim, but inside I was struggling even as I said those words, I wish it was some whim. I feel like a woman these days. I don't feel like a girl anymore. How does that feel you ask me, the skeptical you, the curious you, and I say, I don't know, except that I know I am different now. Age is now a tangible thing. I can feel it between my fingers, heavy, I can smell it, like burning rubber, I can see it snaking through my life cutting my dreams short, and I can hear it constantly talking to me, telling me to calm the fuck down. It is driving me mad.
For the first time in my life, I sat down and sketched my future. For a person like me, who lives life as it comes, impulsive, I planned. I wrote down on a piece of paper- 2011, 2012, 2015....
That broke my heart. You'll argue that planning ahead is a good thing, but to me that was cheating. That was compromising. That was...dare I say...choosing what to dream?
All these years, I realise I was stuck at 22, blithely unconcerned about the hours ticking by...and then I suddenly realise I am 26 now.
It's safe to say I am freaking out like a pig that knows it is going to be butchered.
I remember waking up at an odd hour in the morn to loud cries one day. I was late in enrolling, and so my college had put me in a hotel outside the college premises. It was almost a dump, the hostel, and to add to that, there was an open field next to the hostel building where many pigs made home. My room window opened to dirty pigs for the whole one week I stayed there. And I remember waking up to loud unfamiliar cries, on the first day itself. I opened the window and I saw some two men trying to drag a pig into a tempo sort of a vehicle, the sun was just rising behind them. I almost wanted to cry for the pig, it desperately struggling to get away and run away and not die, its cries painful.
I feel pretty much like that pig now.
I can not be a free spirit anymore. I will be tied down. I just pray I have the fortitude to go through with what will come next.
I normally analyse(like every other small and big thing in my life) my dreams, atleast the ones I remember vividly. And I wondered why I dreamt about dinosaurs coming back to life. I am sure it has something to do with the fact that I am reading Germs, Guns & Steel these days.
And that made me wonder about evolution.
Evolution is a slow process, but still, one does wonder, if we humans ourselves, have stopped evolving.
Here's a wonderful documentary by BBC: Are We Still Evolving?[Part1][Part2][Part3][Part4]. If you don't want to spend 60 mins, here's the gist of it.
So yes, we are evolving. We are becoming fatter and shorter and who knows, maybe one day we'll sprout extra brains and extra hands to handle the information load and multitasking, but I don't know if this is good, I don't know if we are going in the right direction. The test-tube baby and the technology to "design" your baby seems scary.
P.S: And I'd like to see some study that charts the evolution of dogs over the past few 100 years or so. The most domesticated animal, dogs, sure understand human emotions, they can navigate through the human maze of cities fearlessly, but why have they not picked up our language skills? Why is there no dog who can speak human language? Or walk on only two feet like its masters?
I find it confusing how men and women take months and years to say those three words to the woman/man they are in a relationship with. Like really, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and still no ata pata of "I love you"!
But you go have an arranged marriage, and lo! Your woman will confess how much she loves you, right on the first day of your honeymoon and your man will tell you he fell in love with you the very first day he saw you when you came through the kitchen with a tray of tea and biscuits in your hand.
Huh?
*****
A friend recently put up this status on Gtalk: "Sincerity is everything! If you learn to fake it...rest everything is easy".
And another one actually seems to be following the advice.
I wonder if it's really easy...I am sure happiness is not.
*****
Some days back I was travelling with two families, and one of the uncles asked us for names for their new dog. And everyone started with snowy, jenny, julie, tasha etc etc...you know the typical doggie names.
And I was about to suggest something on the similar lines and then I heard everyone and I stopped. Why do we always give Christian names to our pets?
I mean, most of them people treat their pets like their kids, so while we don't name our kids Freddie or George, or Patricia or Elizabeth, why our pets?
I think if I get a dog, I'll name him something Indian. Though I don't know what. Being the Anglophile that I am, I always thought I'd name my dog something like Shakespeare. But let's see, how does Chintu sound?
"Chintu come here!", "Chintu, jao newspaper leke aao!" and, "Chintu! Stop flirting with Betty!" Betty will obviously be the neighbour's dog who'll be eying my handsome dog.
Chintu sounds nice eh? I think till I find a new name, Chintu it is!
You know what, I think this naming business is quite fun! You should all send your dogs and kids to me for names. And I won't even charge you, promise!
*****
Oh these long unyielding nights! I have started to fear these unfriendly sleepless nights now. The despairing panic that blankets the sky come evening...the long wait ahead drowned in cup after cup of sweet tea.
Nothing happens.
Sometimes, tangy tomato soup to keep me warm. Still. Nothing happens.
The cicadas try to keep me company, but I reject them. They make too much noise.
I sit close to the warm, humming machine instead, scrolling word after word.
Numbing.
Days are no better. Left on the coffee table in anonymity, they shift and shuffle, unattended.
Banal. I reject them too.
*****
Dreams, evade. Nothing to dream of. Death too escapes. Nothing to live for.
I have given up on death. It has nothing to offer. It will cheat you into surrender and then poof. Nothing. It will not deliver on what it initially promised.
There's no hope.
*****
The other day I dreamt that some mad scientist has brought the dinosaurs back to life. And that people were living in mansions and houses that float.
I wonder what will happen if the dinosaurs come back to life. I, for one, will welcome them.
*****
Maybe I should go have a kid or something I am thinking. It'll keep me occupied and busy enough for me to never realise that I am not living.
Busy enough to inhale and exhale enough number of times through the day without questioning why.
That's what women have done in every generation. Have kids to escape this never ending unhappiness.
And in turn, created more of it. But maybe I can do it better. Arrogance.
Okay, so you know what they say about women? That all of them, no matter how deeply they hate men, or marriage or kids, they all have already thought of their kid's names? Well, I'd like to argue that I have already thought of names for my pets too. My fat lazy cat would be named Hippo/Garfield, if he's cute, fluffy little thing, then Candy. If she is a beautiful, mean, grey-eyed feline, Cleo. Dogs...I yet have to decide. I have christened my bike and car and soft toys too(sister's soft toys she left behind). So come on, it's absolutely irresistible not to think of names for your kids! I have been busy thinking of nick names for my nephew these days and let me tell you it has nothing to do with being a woman! Like really, I am the last person to have any maternal feelings! It's just convenience sake. Really.
Okay, so, now that that's out of the way, I already know what I'd name a boy, and I always wanted to name a girl baby "Dream", but since that sounds a little crazy, I have found the perfect name. Ruya. It's a Turkish name for dream:) Nice, yes? :)
It's a given. Go with a guy to a tapri for chai or food and he will gross you out with horrid tales about how the food at these tapris is made. I have stopped eating samosas thanks to one such friend. Roadside kebabs thanks to another. I think twice before eating anything now thanks to my chef friend. In a way I have become paranoid. But I liked what my chef friend told me. We have stopped thinking about where our food comes from. We simply, eat. Without thinking. Have you ever wondered where all that seafood comes from in a place like Mumbai? Not from Mumbai, an island city with dirty polluted shores/seas where no sea life can thrive. Where then, do all those fishes and lobsters come from if not Mumbai?
I ate a watermelon today. It's not the season for watermelons, did I wonder where they came from? Those kiwis, those plums, those apples, those mangoes, that turkey, that pork, that chicken, that lettuce, those squishy tomatoes...ever paused and wondered about the food that goes inside your body?
I remember while I was waiting for my aloo paranthas, kulchas and lassi at Branwa da dhaba (brother's dhaba), apparently the most famous dhaba in Amritsar, a South Indian family on vacation was eating dosa and drinking bottled mango juice. Nothing grossly wrong in eating food that you like and are comfortable with. But if you want to eat the best food, remember, "When in Rome, do as Romans do". Eat more seasonal stuff for one. And two, it's common sense that no tapri is going to serve you first class chicken at Rs.35/-. So think about where that chicken came from next time you eat at a roadside stall. And think about what you're putting in your body next time you're having a buffet lunch at a five star hotel.
And, it is not, it's absolutely not, girly to eat healthy, like my guy friends will say it is :|
"I don't want to eat healthy, I just want to eat tasty."
The animal world is so alien to me. Sometimes it feels like they don't exist at all. Only when I see a video like this, I realize...what and how much I am missing. Stunning.