I Never Feel Earthquakes...

Do you remember back in the 90's the biggest problem men had when it came to dating was that talking to women scared the daylights out of them men? I remembering coming across a dozen articles everyday where someone had a brilliant advice how to break the ice-which usually was go-fucking-TALK-to-them. These days those articles have disappeared. We don't need them anymore, we now have the Internet.

*****
When I think about AB, I always remember the curt reply he gave me when I asked him if the Microprocessor lecture was cancelled; "apparently", was all he said and walked away like I was some lowly creature and he some God. He acted like one. At least that is what we all thought and hated him for it. He was one of those college topper boys and had an air about him that made people feel awe or hatred about him. As for me, I found him weird. And when Apeksha lost a bet, I asked her to go ask AB out for some Pineapple Milk**. She did and he said a "No" that sounded more like "In your dreams woman". (Appppuu! I am gonna meet you soon!!!!Yay! :) Baby! And we'll dance to the Pungi song! Fun times await.  Unless I die in a plane crash first :| )

Okay back to AB, I ran to the classroom, the ever late me, and true enough, the lecture was cancelled. And that's all the interaction I ever had with AB back in engineering college. Apart from throwing paper planes at him in the class when we got really bored and mean.

We graduated and went our different ways. Then one day Orkut came with the chat feature. Everyone on your Orkut list was added to your chat list on Gtalk. And suddenly, AB and I were chatting.

Today, not only do we chat regularly(I know, sorry for being tardy lately) and I must feature in his very small "girl friends" list, but also, I have come to understand him for the person he is and AB, sorry for throwing paper plans at you back in college :( You've been a darling of a friend, and one who's been always so, so practical! He's my "give-practical-unbiased" advice guy.


The whole point of this exercise was to tell you that the WWW has been really awesome, in bringing people together. I know so many awesome people, people I have never met, but yet who feature daily in my life, thanks to the WWW.

When I told my friends I was travelling alone all the way to Mysore to attend a friend's wedding, a friend I had known only on the Internet, every one of my friends thought I was crazy. But anyone who's been on the blogger and twitter has such friends and knows it's anything but crazy.


**We had the Aarey milk factory close to college which used to be one of our usual hangouts and the pineapple milk....simply yum!

*****
But as always, we have taken a good thing and turned it into a bad thing. In spite of having 1000 friends on FB, a thousand followers on Twitter, we are lonely and bored.


Boredom and loneliness is a problem today cause we choose to hide. And the WWW has given us that too. We choose to be lazy. We have lowered our standards and we are happy with it, cause not hiding and actually going and talking to people in person takes efforts, it means you can't be something you're not, you stand a chance of exposing your true self and you have to be vulnerable. It means we can go on pretending to be super humans in the online world and the real world doesn't matter anymore, cause look how many friends I have on FB! You can tweet about having a good time on twitter and post pictures you clicked last night with Katrina Kaif, but how many know that you're lonely? The WWW has given us that, a chance to be what we're not.


But why should we want to be something that we're not? Why are we so afraid? What do we have to hide? We have our BB busy status and we have the notorious invisible status on Gtalk. We have learnt to hide behind our FB walls and code life in our sly tweets. In a country of 1.2 billion people if you're lonely and bored, then the problem should be in you, no?


All you have to do is look up from your screen and at the people around you. So many interesting people, so many wonderful conversations await you. So many wonderful memories wilt and die, tired of waiting. I have a friend who's always busy on his BB, while I sit playing with my soup. I wonder if he'll miss these times when I waited for him and he was busy talking to people on his BB. And I see that happening everywhere. People enter clubs and restaurant in packs and then spread out in corners busy on their BB's. What's the POINT people? Retards.


When there's a person in flesh sitting from across you and you choose to talk to a machine instead, what times sweet lord! This is how these machines will take over us and this will be written as the beginning of the end of the human race. No, wait, I am not being dramatic here. You'll see! If you survive the talking-robot attack, that is.


*****
I am so exhausted that even the thought that today is the first day of my vacation doesn't excite me. Well, I still have to finish loads of work and pack!

But sigh, first travel of the year. God! I want more of these!!! I want more friends! I want to travel MORE! Argghh.

And God, if I don't get it in this life, I'll die and crib so much to you in heaven that you'll be forced to send me back to earth with the most awesome bunch of friends and loads and loads of awesome travel! Choose!

*****
And I am tired, I give up. Once I meet her, I am going to prostrate in front of her and tell her it's all in her hands now. She has to decide whether to revive or kill it. I am, tired.

*****
I want you to come and fold me into you arms and just let me be. Hold me tight and make me forget everything else. I am waiting, waiting, waiting :| Dude!

*****
I dreamt about you yesterday. You had written to me and you were telling me you were having some problems but now things are getting back on the track and you seemed happy writing to me, like you were not mad at me anymore. How are you sweetheart? Are you really so mad at me that you won't even talk to me?

You seemed happy in the dream. I hope you're so in real life too. I miss you, my Tarot lady.

*****
Look up from that screen and you'll notice the bare hill in front of your window, the blanket of purple flowers has disappeared and the wild grass has now turned brown, that summer has arrived and that it's time to go out and make new friends.


And while we're at it, I want to dance to this song with my new friends.

And I want to lie on grass under the midnight sky and listen to this song.

Where's My Gaurdian Angel?

You want a job, a vacation, heath insurance, validation, a back rub, a scalp massage at the place where you get your haircut, people who are jealous of you, an ex who won’t stop texting you when they’re drunk, Twitter followers, happiness maybe sorta, someone to buy you lunch at a fancy restaurant, a mentor who can tell you what the hell to do with your life, a reliable internet connection, a reliable human connection, a gift card to the grocery store, dinner parties with friends where everyone will pretend to have their crap together for just one night, a nice flirty text message to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life, for everyone to like you even if you don’t like anyone, and one of those nights that doesn’t end till 9 AM and reminds you what it feels like to be young and alive. Oh, and $$$. That’s all. Think you can get that for me?

From ThoughtCatalog: What 20-somethings want.


And this is what the ones approaching 30 want:

You want a career that makes you feel like you're doing something good with your life, not just some job that pays your bills, something really meaningful. You want a great mentor who'll guide you how to make more money while having that mythical work-life balance. You want to come home to loved ones. You want a happy family, lots of cousins, aunts and uncles, nephews and nieces. You want a happy marriage. You want to stay close to your parents and be closer to your in-laws. You want a partner who accepts and understands you and loves you. You want friends to stay closer to you, or atleast one plane-hop away. You want vacations. And you want travel. You want time to read important books and cook your favourite meals and you want time to do nothing. You want to learn something new every month if not every week. You want to be able to save handsomely for your retirement. You want a healthy body, a clear mind, soft skin and a head full of glossy hair. You want drunken nights out with friends and you want get-togethers where conversations go on till 9AM. You want reliable human connection and someone who'll make you laugh. You want a pet. You want to have your act together and not need any validation from outside. You want lots of energy to do all those things, to keep everyone around you happy and work towards your own happiness. You want to feel that the past was good, but the future is going to be better.

That’s all. Think you can get that for me?

Strangers...

It's been a month already. And it's been awesome.

The thing I love about Mumbai, is its attitude and its people. Mumbai is what it is, because of its people. (And I know, this will be taken in totally the wrong way, but I like Mumbai girls, if I was a guy, I'd totally marry a Mumbai girl.) Sometimes, I just want to sit at some cafe, all by myself and absorb it all in, just look and hear and see. There's so much to look, hear and see. I wish I could turn into a fly(or erm, invisible), I would go and sit at each table and listen to them talk, and laugh, and take photographs. I would love that.

I like how Mumbaikars slog their asses the entire week and how they just chill on the weekend (in fact, even on the weekdays). People here don't give a damn about anything other than living life. I like this. I need more of this.

It's been a month so far in this new city, and I couldn't be happier about my decision.

Bombay (Mumbai), you are making me fall in love with you already.

(Slow baby, let's do this slow.)

And next time I crib about the traffic and the humidity, tell me to shut up, ok?

Opium...

You know you're are truly addicted to something, when you can't sleep without having/doing it.

In my case it's tea. I was busy the entire day today and didn't get time to have my evening chai. I come home tired and exhausted and collapse in bed, then toss and turn in bed for 1 hour and finally, give up. At 12 am, I go make myself tea.

I don't know if I can be saved, and further, if I want to be saved, which is scarier. 

Unbuttoned & Attentive Red Lips...

Throughout history, women have been depicted in great works of art. There’s the Venus de Milo, Mona Lisa, Virgin Mary and even the Statue of Liberty. One thing they had in common: They were all the vision of perfection through the eyes of a man. “Society has a problem with female nudity when it is not . . . ”—Badu pauses to get her words together; she wants this point to be very clear—“. . . when it is not packaged for the consumption of male entertainment. Then it becomes confusing.”

(Source)

True enough, womanly beauty has always been depicted and painted and poetised and talked about in terms that would appeal to men. You'll argue that beauty's whole purpose is to appeal to and attract the opposite sex, for a whole lot of evolutionary reasons. And fine, I understand the whole science behind "attraction". But we have been so brainwashed by what "men" find attractive in women, that we, women, have forgotten what we find attractive in us. We have come to see woman's beauty only through the male perspective. We don't understand beauty any way else. And everything from hair shampoo to foot crack cream is sold with a promise that it would make us women beautiful to men.


Ask me and I would talk about a woman's slender neck. Those delicate shoulders, those striking collarbones, the hollows at the base of her throat, the foot arch. I love curvy feet or then shapely calves or even a beautiful navel.


Why aren't there any women artists, women poets, women writers, women sculptors showing us what feminine beauty means to them? Has no one ever found it necessary to find out what women find beautiful about themselves?


Is a woman beautiful only if men find her beautiful?

Saying Yes...

Sometimes I feel the real me is hidden in the drafts.

In words, that never get heard, published; words that are scared to come out lest they be rejected for being too simple. Too honest. Too painful. Cruel even.

I have 311 drafts sitting in my Gmail and 395 in blogger.

So many conversations that never happened. 

Dog-eared...

When was the last time you slept under an open sky? Walked barefoot on moist green grass? Blew soap bubbles? Held balloons in your hand? Laughed till your stomach hurt?

When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror without flinching at your image?

A Private Message...

Friend: Welcome to the quarter life crisis.

Me: Damn, it's so fucked up.

Friend: This makes me immensely happy that u feel the same way and it totally is. But it is true, perspectives change so much these days...that I sometimes don't really know what do I believe in, again the whole discovery of the self...I'm so tired and exhausted...

Me: Yep, it's like you handle one thing, one emotion, one thought, you deal with it and you stow it away and there again, pops another one and you're back to staring at a stranger in the mirror.

Friend: Yea, such is life...I guess...

*****

And so these days I spend most of my time acquainting myself with my new thoughts.

Age, again, yes. A recent shocking one I found is this:

I remember there was a time when I would see nothing wrong with a man who "experimented" a lot. While I did not particularly like such a man, I thought, well, so what? His life. I never judged him. His this aspect never interfered with my dealings with such an individual.


These days, however, I find myself repulsed by the very idea of such a man or woman. For whom women/men are nothing but a notch on their respective bedpost. Who see nothing wrong in jumping from one to another. A new attraction every day.


Earlier, I could separate their such private behaviour, seeing it as just one part, unsavoury, but isolable aspect of their whole personality; even making allowances by saying to each its own. But these days, I find it increasingly difficult to like or trust such people, no matter how they are with others. No matter how truthful and loyal they are toward their loved ones. No matter how they conduct themselves in other areas of their life. I am finding it very difficult to talk to such men and women and not feel disgust.


And I am, not liking such prejudice on my part. I am hating it in fact. 

Cobwebs Of Emotions...

"I will not", is often confused with, "I can not". 

Feathers...

There will always be that struggle between what you are and what you could be...and sometimes the price for what you could be is set too high. 

Burn Those Skirts?

Some years back when I was travelling on an international flight, I was harassed by an Arab guy. When I told my friends about the incident, everyone asked me why I didn't complain to the air hostess right that minute when it happened. It might not sound like a very intelligent answer, but I was petrified. I was so shocked I could not open my mouth. I had to cry to get out of the shock once we landed and I knew I was safe in the women's loo. In hindsight yes, I should have complained. Even later when the flight had landed. But you really can't be prepared for such incidents.


Back then when I told this to S, he first got angry at me(for not complaining, no words of sympathy there) and then he asked me what I was wearing(I was wearing a rather boring black jacket over a black spaghetti top with blue jeans and pumps. Nothing too sexy). Funny thing, which I now realise, none of my girl friends asked me what I was wearing. But a guy did ask.


For those who didn't know, there was a slut walk held in Canada on April 3rd. Here's the link.

Demonstrators take part in the "Slutwalk" protest in Toronto, Sunday April 3, 2011. Protesters hit the streets to protest against rape and sexual crimes in response to Toronto Police Const. Michael Sanguinetti, quoted as saying "Women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized."

The recent rapes in Delhi, the slut walk, and a recent conversation with a friend, reminded me of that incident on the plane. One does not necessarily have to be dressed provocatively to be molested. In a sexually charged situation, a man will jump on any woman, even a woman covered from head to toe. Or like A would say, even a man wearing a kilt with a cat. But time and again we keep hearing the same thing: dress properly, dress properly, dress properly. And I am forced to wonder, what does "dress properly" really mean?


I have thought a lot about this topic, dressing, cause it's a topic close to my heart. I love clothes. I love dressing up, always have. And when I have to think 10 times before deciding what to wear, I hate it.


Now I am an advocate of free will. Do what pleases you, as long as your choices do not harm anyone else, in any fashion. So, if some girl out there wants to dress up like a slut, by all means, she has the right to. It's her life after all, and no one should object to her choice.

But here's the thing, what do all those rights and all that freedom really amount to? I have realised, nothing.

As a 21 year old, I would have angrily told you to back off and not interfere in my life had you told me what to wear and not (which is why I never shop with guys). But as a 26 year old, and I hate that it should be this way, I understand that one can not always do as one pleases, even if one's choices do not directly affect another being. Sad huh?

One does not have to be as dramatic as this book suggests, but a woman, like it not, has to come to terms with the fact that:

"[..] a woman’s presence expresses her own attitude to herself, and defines what can and cannot be done to her."


As a woman you have to understand and realise that ultimately you and only you are in the end responsible for everything that happens to you. So if you want to wear that mini skirt, understand the responsibility you owe to yourself and realise the danger it could pose to your life, and then take the decision.


It might seem that by saying women are entirely responsible for their own safety, I am letting men off the hook. Which is not the case at all. No man, even your own husband, has the right to touch you without your explicit permission, no matter if you are sober or drunk, no matter if you are covered in a burqa or naked. But, can we really control anyone's actions and reactions? Nope. So what do we women do? We learn to assess risks and dress accordingly. In short, "dress properly." If you're going to a party with close friends to safe place, you can take that sexy number out of the closet, but you know you can not dress provocatively in a bad neighbourhood.


It is sad that even in civilized societies, supposedly safe environments like your own home, women are not safe. In an ideal world, a question like, "what to wear", would probably never arise. But lately, I have realised, that we might live in a free world but there are still invisible boundaries that we can not cross without getting hurt. So don't burn those skirts, but definitely throw away those quixotic glasses. 

Hello Kitten!

Life, I just can't be arsed about you.

*****
Oh these long unyielding nights! I have started to fear these unfriendly sleepless nights now. The despairing panic that blankets the sky come evening...the long wait ahead drowned in cup after cup of sweet tea.

Nothing happens.

Sometimes, tangy tomato soup to keep me warm. Still. Nothing happens.

The cicadas try to keep me company, but I reject them. They make too much noise.

I sit close to the warm, humming machine instead, scrolling word after word.

Numbing.

Days are no better. Left on the coffee table in anonymity, they shift and shuffle, unattended.

Banal. I reject them too.

*****
Dreams, evade. Nothing to dream of. Death too escapes. Nothing to live for.

I have given up on death. It has nothing to offer. It will cheat you into surrender and then poof. Nothing. It will not deliver on what it initially promised.

There's no hope.

*****
The other day I dreamt that some mad scientist has brought the dinosaurs back to life. And that people were living in mansions and houses that float.

I wonder what will happen if the dinosaurs come back to life. I, for one, will welcome them.

*****
Maybe I should go have a kid or something I am thinking. It'll keep me occupied and busy enough for me to never realise that I am not living.

Busy enough to inhale and exhale enough number of times through the day without questioning why.

That's what women have done in every generation. Have kids to escape this never ending unhappiness.

And in turn, created more of it. But maybe I can do it better. Arrogance.

Maybe, after all, there is some hope.

I'll go polish my knuckles now.

UnJumble My World...

Mountains. Happiness. Blue Sky. Laughter. Yellow Butterflies. Free. Field of Red Poppies. Love. Flowing River. Dreams. Clouds. Possibilities. Fragrant Earth. Smiles. White. Hands. Ribbons. Chase. Twinkling Eyes. Open. Heart. Rebirth. Song. Endless. Peace. Secrets. Checkered. Reach. Time. Warm. Wings. Soft. Golden. Morning. Circle. Kiss.

Whisper Of Sighs...

The physical distance is not what separates us. That, I could journey alone. I would travel oceans and continents to be with you. The distance that upsets me is the one between our hearts. That, I can not walk alone, even if I want to.

A Lifetime Of Compromises...

The second thing that came to my mind, maybe "put into my mind" would be more appropriate, when I thought about arranged marriages was: Compromise.


And the more number of people I speak to, the more it appears that people have a really dim view of marriage, cause no matter who, everyone gives you only one suggestion: Compromise. And on a whole, it seems like a very depressing situation.


Compromises have to be made, I understand that. Which relationship does not include compromises? But why do you never hear your parents telling you, "beta, now that you will be going to college and making new friends, remember to compromise". You never hear that, do you? Why do friends never advice you to "compromise" in a relationship? For smallest of shortcomings, your gf's will tell you to leave the guy, but never compromise. Maybe cause in all other relationships, you have an exit. Not so in marriage. You're supposed to make it work, no matter what, compromise and stick around. Marriages are meant to be forever.



What I found really funny was that people enter marriage with a whole lot of pessimism. I can understand why everyone should be so scared. (It's funny we still go ahead and get married, humans I tell you!). There are so many bad examples around, that one can't help but think the worst. I know I am guilty of the same. So I can understand that, but what baffles me is that, even while thinking of a partner you choose to compromise with your wants and dreams.


I told M that I would really like to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves travelling (So we could both travel all the time). He looked at me as if I had gone mad, then laughed, then told me I was being silly. It's a stupid thing to look for in a marriage, said H. A didn't mock outright, she knew I was serious, but she looked at me, her hands gesturing her incredulity,  and calmly asked me, "do you think once you get busy in your married life, have kids and all, do you think you'll find time to travel at all? You'll be happy to even find a spare relaxing Sunday to chill at home, but travel?" And I actually wondered if I should look for aspects like a love for travelling and reading, something I feel are essential in my life partner. Were they really a "must-have"? Or was I being really short-sighted?


And then I remembered the times I was happy in 2010. The time when I actually touched clouds in Bhutan, not fog, clouds. When I climbed Tiger's Nest. It was a tiring journey, but one look at the view from the top was enough to melt away all tiredness like snow on a sunny afternoon...the view was just beyond words. And I was so happy to be there. I felt so lucky to be there. And at peace. Like anything was possible. Then how proud I was when I went all the way, alone, to Mysore, made new friends, walked my way to museums and palaces and Udipi Restaurants. How excited I was, travelling through Hyderabad in an auto rickshaw, to be discovering a new city. And how adventurous when I roamed the markets of Amritsar in a cycle auto rickshaw, so much fun eating parathans and lassis and haggling over phulkari dupattas, like generations of Punjabi women must have done -you see, a got to live a slice of someone else's life(and that too the good bits), a life I had only read and heard about -what could be more precious? And how lucky I felt to be sitting on the steps of the sacred pool and watching the Golden Temple transform into a mesmerizing beauty at 5am in the morning, with a gorgeous orange in the background, golden shimmery water everywhere and the sound of early morning bird song...I felt I was in heaven. And I realised, the only time I was happy in 2010 was when I was travelling...discovering new places, new people, new food, new language...a new world.


I remember growing up wanting to travel places. I remember telling myself as a child that if one day I come across a Genie and if I get to make one wish, I should first ask for 100 wishes, but if I am not allowed to, then I should ask for a chance to travel the world.


Do I still think it's a frivolous thing? I turned to books, cause I couldn't travel to Spain myself, and Egypt and England, but I could atleast read about them. I know what they wear and eat and sing in Italy and France and Scotland and Australia, not because I travelled there, but because I read about them, and in my head, atleast, I have seen all those places. Should I then compromise on something that makes me truly happy?


"Agreed", M said. "But then let's say, you get married to a travel writer and you're happy for the first couple of years and one day while rock climbing he falls down and breaks his leg. He's paralyzed forever. What would you do then?" I was just stumped for a moment. It's like saying, don't venture out on the streets cause people are dying! Why should you compromise even before you actually need to compromise?

I don't understand. Shouldn't we be compromising in short term relationships, cuase they anyway won't last a long time and you can always just walk away. And shouldn't we, when looking for a long term relationship, try to seek one where compromises, atleast not a plenty many, will not be needed?


And what will really happen if you compromise? You give up on things you want and settle for something else, something easily obtainable. But then what? Do dreams just die like that? I don't know, I think they might just hide, pull themselves back and hide in some corner and sulk and sulk and sulk. And the day you find a way to fulfil those wants and dreams, they're going to wake up and shake things up and your pretty little house is going to fall apart.


When I go to my local library, there's a whole section for romance novels, and at first I thought many teenage girls would be taking those books home. What I instead observed over the years, was that not teenagers, but married women read romance novels the most. Women, who have immersed themselves in the mundaneness of their lives, settled into domesticity,  they seek to live the dreams they gave up through these novels. That aunty who is now married with kids, who settled for a finance guy, she lives the life she wanted, through someone's else story, through someone else's life. Is she truly happy? I think she'll say yes. But deep down, she has squashed her dreams and prepared herself for the kind of life she has. She has learnt to live with compromises, with someone more suitable. But deep down, she wants something else, perhaps someone else, she knows she can never get. Some people don't see anything wrong with it. I do.


It's natural, that when you don't find what you're looking for in one place, you'll try to seek it somewhere else.  If you don't find everything that makes you happy in your spouse, it's very probable that you'll seek it in someone else. Unknowingly. Sometimes knowingly. Extra marital affairs anyone?


I have compromised too. And what I have realized is that compromises are tricky. You are happy compromising as long as things are going according to the plan. The minute they go awry, you start complaining how and how much you compromised. The bitterness creeps in, the dislike shows. The name-calling starts. And like help, compromises mean zilch, once you mention it. The minute you point out how many compromises you've made, that sandcastle you so painstakingly erected, gets washed away with the waves your words create.


So yea, maybe an ordinary girl like me can't expect to meet Mr.Perfect, but surely, I can hope to find Mr.Perfect-For-Me? And I promise, I'll compromise if I find him, but only if he promises to take me to ***Egypt first.



***I remember we were watching some travel show featuring Egypt and I sighed and oohed, and fascinated with it all, I said to my sister, "If I ever get to go back in time, I'll want to go back to the time of these Egyptian kings and queens." And my dearest sister said, "Do you think you'd go back to the era as a "queen" huh? You'd probably be one of those common Egyptian citizens, probably even a manual labourer and look, life for them was so hard, building all those pyramids and what not. I wouldn't want to be them!" Sigh, yes, she was always the more practical one. And I was always living in my head! :|

The Naked Soul...

Everyone wants that love marriage, where you meet "the one", your soul mate and then decide to get married cause you can not stay away from each other, no never, and so you tie the knot that will keep you together always, forever, la-la-la. And having found the love of one's life, one imagines oneself in a red Mercedes convertible driving into a brilliant sunset, with one's hair flying in the wind (and maybe one can surely add a flimsy Audrey Hepburn-esque scarf flying in the wind for added aesthetics.) How romantic and all that one thinks. On the other hand, no one desires an arranged marriage, for it is so cold, for that's how it appears, very cold and very businesslike. Where you meet random people, decide to get to know each other over a cup of chai/coffee and then talk over phone and if you're lucky meet in person to dissect the other's character and coldly weigh his/her "value" and if he/she fits the bill, get married. But something similar happens in love marriages. You meet a random person, maybe at a party, maybe in college, maybe at work and decide to talk and then maybe get to know each other over a cup of coffee and then blah blah...you know the deal. Yet, we look at arranged marriages with such trepidation, and love marriages with our rose-tinted glasses. I wonder why such unfair treatment?

Probably because in a love marriage, you know the person well enough(get to know in "biblical sense" too?) and you know for sure that this is what you want, this is who you want to be with. In an arranged marriage, how well can you really get to know the other person during the courtship period?

The first thing that went through my mind when I thought about arranged marriages was-sex. I can be all modest and choose to ignore it, but it's an important aspect of a romantic relationship and I have seen couples break up, after 2 years, cause the girl wasn't ready to commit fully or the guy was no good. Physical compatibility is as important as emotional and intellectual compatibility and while you can judge a person's emotional nature and find out if you both match intellectually by talking to them and spending time with them, there's no sure way of knowing if you'll click in the bedroom department as well, unless you actually give it a shot. Which surely can not happen in an arranged marriage (You can't be kissing every guy your parents/friends approve!). So essentially you enter into an arranged marriage with your fingers crossed, hoping that you both will be great together. Definitely loads of luck and some divine intervention I thought.


After talking to a lot of people, it seemed like, yes, it was one of the main drawbacks of an arranged marriage. A colleague from work is in the process of getting a divorce 'cause apparently the guy had some problem. Another one is getting a divorce after two years cause the guy still refuses to do it with her. A friend's friend has got a divorce 'cause the guy refused to even get near her. And when my best friend got married, I did wonder if she would be comfortable doing it on her first night. Wouldn't it be weird, I thought, to get intimate with someone with whom you've never been intimate, at all? And say if you do get intimate and find out that it was a total dud and then what? What a damper that would be! And you're stuck now, cause you're married! ***


And so I told H about my doubts. And what he said made much sense, atleast to me, though I think I have yet to fully figure this thing out. Physical attraction is a tricky thing. You can never know. A friend recently told me that she had the most awesome time with a fat guy, and she never ever even dreamt of going anywhere near a fat, sloppily dressed guy. Forget a fat guy, I feel zilch attraction toward even some of the good-looking, impeccably dressed guys. I was looking for some kind of pattern that I can trust to guide me. But can you really know? Can you ever guess who can take you on a ride in the clouds and who will leave you staring at the ceiling? What however, one has noticed is that physical attraction comes when you like the person, really like the person. Physical intimacy comes when there's emotional intimacy.

I remember a guy friend once told me, I loosely paraphrase, to seduce a woman touch not her skin, but her mind. When I look back, I realize, the guys I have strongly been attracted to, physically, I have most definitely been very very strongly attracted to their minds. I remember liking a guy, who, what shall I say, wasn't exactly James Dean in the looks department, but I loved him, cause I was so seduced by his mind. Which also explains why I just can not bring myself to like this another guy, who's is physically great looking and all that but I don't remember ever going "wow" while talking to him. "Yawn" most of the time.


So there, I am still confused, but maybe one doesn't need to worry all that much about the sparks and chemistry and getting to know your partner in the biblical sense before tying the knot. Our parents, after all, did have babies, no? I guess then, strong physical attraction will be there if you like that person and are emotionally and intellectually compatible.


***Same could hold true for other qualities as well. Really that girl who comes carrying the tray, all shy and coy and salwaar-clad, do you really think she's all shy and coy and wears salwar-kameez all the time? Or for that matter, I always wonder, what would be a right response to your husband's "Have you had sex before"? If you say no, you make him happy, and you hopefully live a happy romantic married life. If you say yes, brace yourself for a barrage of questions, loads of insecurity and a possibility that it might ruin your chances of a happy romantic married life. I always wonder what guys would prefer to hear. Would they prefer to hear a no, never knowing if she was lying or being truthful, believing the best and forgetting about it or would they be okay, truly okay with hearing the truth. I know most guys will say, "I would rather you be honest with me and tell me the truth", but I wonder, deep down, if they'll really be ever okay.

Towels & Trunks...

In Baisers volés, Delphine Seyrig explains to her young lover the difference between politeness and tact: ‘Imagine you inadvertently enter a bathroom where a woman is standing naked under the shower. Politeness requires that you quickly close the door and say, “Pardon, Madame!”, whereas tact would be to quickly close the door and say: “Pardon, Monsieur!”’ It is only in the second case, by pretending not to have seen enough even to make out the sex of the person under the shower, that one displays true tact.

When I read that quote, The first thing that went through my vain mind, was not, "I would be thank-god he didn't see me", but, "I would be embarrassed, yes, but I would be slightly mad at the guy to have thought I was a guy! I am sure he saw *something* and how could he have thought I was a guy! I think I would be rather sad".

Not related, but the above quote reminded me of the towel question. Long long time ago, someone asked me what I would do in the following situation: So you're in the shower when there's an earthquake and you have to rush out immediately. Now would you stop for that 1 second to collect the towel? Or knowing that you'd possibly be crushed under the building if you use that 1second to fetch the towel, would you then just run outside naked?

The above quote somehow also reminded me of something I heard many ages ago on Mtv. Remember they used to have those show where you called up the VJ and requested a song? During one of those shows, Nikhil Chinappa asked a caller a rather embarrassing(atleast then it was) question. "Would you keep the toilet door open if you knew there was no one in house?" And I remember wondering for many hours what I would do.

And I leave you to wonder, what would you do?

Seedless Grapes...

Some things will always remain unsaid. Telling them will hurt the other person and not telling, will also hurt the other person. And so you wait for a time when telling them will not hurt so much, but by the time it comes to that,  it does not matter anymore. So there, you live with those unsaid things.

A Cold Winter Morning...

I don't think there can be anything more beautiful than a winter morning. Specially when it has rained the night before.

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing in this concrete jungle. Surrounded by these tall buildings that compete with the not-so-tall mountains. Surrounded by clothes that flutter on the clothes lines along with the trees that sway and leaves that delicately shiver. The distant motorcycle horn that drowns the chirping of birds. The early morning breakfast bustle that breaks the morning reverie.

I should be somewhere else. Not here.