One Year In Mumbai...

This war has torn my heart...where does one go from here?

The World Itself Is A Bad Dream...

You take something really good and screw it up. Royally. 

There's no one to blame but yourself. What do you do with such things?

You could spend your entire life in self-blame games.

Or then, you could promise yourself.

The Wheel Breaks The Butterfly...

I am tired. And hurt.

Very.

But I won't do anything about it. I'll just soak in it for now.

I am angry at myself. I am so angry at myself.

*****
UD asked me why I am not moving out of this place. Almost all things here are broken and to make matters worse, I have one weird flatmate.

I couldn't answer then.

I always liked taking the broken and fixing it. I have never understood this about me. Why? Why this obsessive need to just fix things? I will live with the shittiest things, in the shittiest circumstances, but I will not quit...just so I could make the shitty not-so-shitty. It is a weird kind of pleasure I seek. Transforming things. And I realize what a dangerous habit this is.


But I guess which is why I am still living in this place. It's a nice house, or rather it has so much potential to be a nice house, but so many things are broken here, I guess that is what is keeping me here. I'll leave once I fix this place up. Make it nice.


I wish I could fix things in my life as easily. I wish it was as easy as buying a new wardrobe or buying a new pan and a nice green plant and adding new fixtures and nice gold curtains and spraying some air freshener.


But it's not.


And I am learning how it's not. And I am learning to let it just be. I am learning to live with the broken.


I'll soak in that too for now.

*****

Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo.
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo.

When she was just a girl,
She expected the world,
But it flew away from her reach,
So she ran away in her sleep.

Dreamed of para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Every time she closed her eyes.

Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo.
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo.

When she was just a girl,
She expected the world,
But it flew away from her reach,
And the bullets catch in her teeth.

Life goes on,
It gets so heavy,
The wheel breaks the butterfly.
Every tear, a waterfall.
In the night,
The stormy night,
She closed her eyes.
In the night,
The stormy night,
Away she flied.

I dream of para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.
She dreamed of para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

La-la
La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la.

Still lying underneath the stormy skies.
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
I know the sun's set to rise.

This could be para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

This could be para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

Oh, oh. Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.

This could be para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo...

Underpants For Miss Sussie...

I now realise why I have always loved the sea, why I always felt this pull.

'Cause it always listens. You don't need to say a word...all you need to do is just sit there, just be...and the sea takes in all your sorrows, your pain, and worries and drowns them in its vast blueness...it just accepts everything you throw in. No wonder then, every time I am close to the sea, I want to drown.

*****
Thanks to the mid-night conversation with a dear friend, I have decided I won't crib henceforth...a BIG resolution. It's going to be a little difficult sticking to this one...but I'mma gonna try (So many people around me are going to be happy! Heh).

And while I am at it, I am gonna throw in "Don't sweat about smaller stuff" too.

You can tell me how awesome I am already.

*****
I am now singing this.

If you watched the video too, thanks :) I feel much better now.

Strangers...

It's been a month already. And it's been awesome.

The thing I love about Mumbai, is its attitude and its people. Mumbai is what it is, because of its people. (And I know, this will be taken in totally the wrong way, but I like Mumbai girls, if I was a guy, I'd totally marry a Mumbai girl.) Sometimes, I just want to sit at some cafe, all by myself and absorb it all in, just look and hear and see. There's so much to look, hear and see. I wish I could turn into a fly(or erm, invisible), I would go and sit at each table and listen to them talk, and laugh, and take photographs. I would love that.

I like how Mumbaikars slog their asses the entire week and how they just chill on the weekend (in fact, even on the weekdays). People here don't give a damn about anything other than living life. I like this. I need more of this.

It's been a month so far in this new city, and I couldn't be happier about my decision.

Bombay (Mumbai), you are making me fall in love with you already.

(Slow baby, let's do this slow.)

And next time I crib about the traffic and the humidity, tell me to shut up, ok?

A Woman Named Drown...

It was hot, as it always is in Mumbai, and we were all back at our hotel after watching No One Killed Jessica. I was in my room, everyone had gone back to theirs, getting ready for the evening. We were supposed to be at Munira's reception venue by 7pm and it was already 5pm. Anjali and I shared one room, Apeksha and Mandy were in the other room. I was sitting on one of the beds, and I could hear Anjali in the bathroom. I was done with my bath, and I should have been getting up and getting ready, we were already late, but I just sat there on the bed in my towel, listening to sound of running shower. Absorbing the sound, her presence. Just the fact that she was around. I felt good. I felt calm. I felt...safe, loved.

I am missing them all today, my people.

I wish I could fly. I wish I could go sit next to them, not talk, not do anything. Just sit next to them, absorb their energies, be around them, feel their presence. And once in a while, have them look up at me and smile. Just that. Not more. Just that.

How To Hunt For A Flat In A New City...

Warning: Disjointed incoherent post that's full of inane rants and cribs written under medication follows. If I were you, I'd skip.


Back home, I have been the queen of the castle from time to time. And every time dad-mum went away for extended periods of time, I'd plan a vacation myself too(What a queen eh? :P) And although it's a record that I never finish all the food on my plate, I do hate wasting food. And so every time I had to leave the house locked, I'd make sure I was not leaving any perishable food items behind. Fruits, snacks, fresh vegetables...I'd make sure the fridge would be empty before I left for my vacation.


I got up on the morning I was moving out and went into the kitchen to make tea, there was banana-chocolate cake on the table, ripe (glorious) red tomatoes, there was one whole packet of mushrooms in the fridge, ofcourse there was a mountain of leftover food, vegetables, fruits, I saw three lovely sweetcorns and for a minute I panicked. Wait a minute, I thought, all this food is going to rot? And that's when it sunk in, that I was not going for a vacation, that I was the one leaving...that I was not coming back.


It's funny, of all things, it should be food.


Though I still feel like I have come on a business trip, and that I will be going back "home" in 2 weeks time. And specially today, when am all ill, I so want to be back home :( And then I spoke to dad on the phone and then I cried (Oh whatever, you're just heartless). And then I spoke to my sister and she made me talk to my nephew who well can't talk yet, but says "maachi" and laughed(nautanki) for 10 minutes on the phone, and then I wanted to be there and play peek-a-boo with him and hear him laugh and not be all alone in this soulless hotel room! Growing up sucks! What the hell was wrong with me when I decided I wanted to be all independent and live by myself?? I suck at this "independent" thing! I am even looking forward to my never-met-before, fresh-out-of-college, backstreetboys-britneyspears-loving-girl-who-has-only-read-Chetan-bhagat, could-be-spoilt "dally" girl (that should actually scare me) roommate!


And what's making it worse is that I don't have a kitchen to myself. I am already missing home cooked food. I ordered ginger tea today, since I was badly craving it, and good lord, these stupid hotel people can't even make decent adrak walli chai? And I am not even in China for pete's sake!


I remember when I was in China, I used to travel by the tube trains there and one night, I was coming back to the hotel and I stumbled and fell down on the bridge, and people stopped, looked and started walking again as if nothing happened. I came home and cried in the hotel room cause there was no one to pick me up, I am sure Indian men would have been nicer :) It was a silly thing to cry over. I mean, I fall all the time, not a big thing, I never expect anyone to pick me up in India here, in fact I get embarrassed if anyone comes rushing to help. But in a new country...my aloneness was so amplified I realise I could cry even if I saw an Indian ad. I need a lot of "me" time, but I have realised I can't stay away from my people (whoever they are and however they are) and be happy. At home, I hardly spoke to parents, or spent time with them, I'd be always locked up in my room, doing my things, which is what I am doing here, locked up in my hotel room, with internet access, TV and books and food, but even if I was locked up in my room at home, I could always open the door and hear my mom speak to her friends on the phone or hear her cook in the kitchen or hear the blaring sound of TV and know that dad was watching news. I miss those sounds. Those were sounds of safety and family.




And what it making it more worse is this hot freaking weather. I am 100% sure I must have sweat atleast 3 buckets of sweat in the last 3 days. No kidding. I am surprised people even wear clothes here.




And the cherry on the cake? I move in and I all the people I know here have either left the city for good, or are away till god-knows-when. It's like I am cursed or something. Why god why? The only solace in my life right now is my (good-looking) broker, who's is in love with me, and who does his best to make me feel less lonely (Stop laughing Apeksha). But unfortunately, he found out that I am also talking to other brokers (Eh well, I am new to the broker-relationship thing), and he was quite heart-broken. So he calls me up at 10 in the night and after a lot of throat-clearing says,"madam, don't feel bad, but please don't talk to other brokers, I am putting so much heart and effort in looking for a flat for you, why do you need to talk to other brokers? I am there no, I'll find every available flat for you!"


(And he said it which such sincerity that I almost felt ashamed for a minute.)

And I feel loved.

And shame on you if you judged me just now, sitting there in your cozy homes with home cooked meals and cuddly doggies drooling at your feet and furry cats meowing at you.


But being the sweet soul that I am, I could forgive you if you come visit me and bring some hot potato-leek soup along (beer would also do).


And so here I am, supposedly my second day at the new workplace and I am instead sitting all wrapped up in the hotel room, talking to myself, and oh, ofcourse, waiting for my broker to call. What? He promised he'll call in an hour!


P.S: G, darling, I would eternally hate you now if you now ditched me.

P.P.S: I don't know anything about how to hunt for a place in a new city and you clearly didn't read the warning, your fault! 

Soup For the Chicken...

I am chickening out already. Now that it has sunk in, I can see myself cracking.

It's like, I have just learnt to walk and I am already endeavouring to climb the Everest.

What will become of me? I truly do not know!

And yes, a magic wand someone? Please?

The Argumentative...

"So, my darling Fred, I have tonight made a very serious decision."

(Pic courtesy)

Bleed Blue :)

India World Champions 2011 :D

Behind The Rocks...

I think the loneliest one can feel in Mumbai is perhaps at Marine Drive. When you see the whole stretch dotted with twos, each in the arms of a loved one, one can't help but feel a twinge.