Your Mother...

I loved this story: Your Mother

*****
Your mother hated being photographed. She had romantic notions of how perfect her body looked at certain angles and to have them crushed by the awkward reality of a still life was simply unbearable. So I learned to capture moments using words and silences.

On this day, she sat perched on the first floor balcony’s platformed railing. Our room overlooked the magnificent Bay of Bengal – swollen & angry. We’d mistimed our vacation and landed up at Chinnakalpet in the middle of the Tamil Nadu monsoon. Swimming in the choppy sea was out of the question & even when it wasn’t raining, the weather was spectacularly wild. Earlier in the afternoon I’d run my hands through her hair and lightly kissed her neck as we looked at the stunning view afforded us by the balcony. When I’d asked her if she wanted to walk along the beach with me, she’d pushed me out of the room – “We don’t have to do everything together, do we?” And she was right. I took off with my camera.

With every step, my feet sank deeper into the golden sand. The effort it took to take the next step reminded me of how we were both getting older and how my body was beginning to express its tiredness. We had tried, your mother & I, to have children over the past two years but two miscarriages later she decided we needed to stop. “I have run out of tears, Arun,” she said. Instead, we decided to get into our tiny car and head off anywhere the wind would take us (her words, not mine).

The wind had led me here and if I wasn’t careful, it would sweep me further into the Bay. “Hold on to your hat, man!” cried a man coming at me from the opposite side. Considering he was the one wearing the hat and not me, I found him amusing.
“Nice weather we’re having, aren’t we?” I joked.
“Absolute perfection. I hope you’re bracing yourself for Cyclone Leela!”
“What? No! I mean, I haven’t even heard about it. My wife & I here on vacation.”
“Vacation?!! That’s rich, dear chap! I’d turn my ship right round and head back for shore. Nigel Forman, by the way.”
“Arun Desai.”
“Pleasure to bump into you, Arun. You will not be soon forgotten. Good bye & good tidings!”

And off he went, striding strongly, pushing back against the strong winds. I stood and watched the strange old man as he climbed the slippery rocks leading into the ocean. When he reached the farthest rock he opened his arms out wide, embracing the elements: the violent spray of the sea, the full force of the wind & the unending sky before him. You might say he had a few screws loose but in that moment I envied him his freedom.

I walked further, clicking photographs along the way. Perfect little seashells, fishing boats making their way back to the beach and the odd little picture that our resort’s quaint cottages made on that stormy evening. I began to miss your mother and so I turned back.

I took the cobbled stone path to our room. Along the way, I came upon the family that was staying across the hall from us. They were out on the lawn taking advantage of the few rainless hours. Two little girls played in the dirt as their parents relaxed over a cup of coffee. The younger of the two was an independent spirit. Barely 3 or 4, she wandered off repeatedly on her own, digging holes in the ground en route. Her mother would call out for her at regular intervals, but she wouldn’t listen. She would carry on on her quest; now a flower to be dissected, now a butterfly to be chased. And then there was the matter of jumping into that puddle. Eventually, the mother caught up with her little imp and hoisted her over the shoulder. Both mother & daughter, laughing, disappeared into the bushes and then out of sight.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I looked up at that very instant and caught your mother looking right at me. There she was, seated cross-legged on our balcony’s platformed railing. She had wrapped a dupatta around herself, one end of which was flying unrestrained in the wind like her uncombed hair. She had never looked more beautiful. I instinctively lifted my camera to capture her breathtaking image. But in the very next instant, I changed my mind and there I was, running up the stairs as quickly as I could. The door was open, I rushed right through it and scooped her up in my embrace. We held each other so tight that not even the cyclonic winds churning up outside could have torn us apart.
The next morning, we admitted defeat in the face of Cylcone Leela, packed our backs and returned home. Not long after that your mother announced that she was pregnant with you.

From, Aquatic Static. Do visit the blog, one of my favourites.

*****
Stories like these make it so hard to come back to the real life, no? Sigh.

A Cheap & Easy Affair...

If tomorrow my kids ask me why I didn't marry that very rich and good-looking guy, I hope they'll understand when I tell them that he did not read. I hope they'll forgive.

The 7-Year Itch...

A friend recently broke up with his 7 year old gf, who's also my good friend. Two of my best friends are unsure about marriage, after being together for 7 years (You know who you are :)). Another couple I know split up after 7 years. I am sure there are many more such couples, who have decided not to tie the knot with their long term partners. I am trying hard not to be judgmental here, cause in all cases, the people involved are dear friends and I know they are smart and good-hearted people.


And yet, I don't understand the math here. If I was with a guy for 7 years, I'd be damn sure about wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. 7 years is just too much time wasted in deciding, too much invested with no returns. Let's accept it, a relationship demands a lot of you, emotionally, mentally, financially and physically. Quitting after 7 years, is like bad math to me.


I know H is assailed with guilt and remorse, he knows he has betrayed N, the girl who's now coping with no job and no love, but he still took the decision he did. Same with all of them.


I wanted to slap H and put some sense in his head. What has N not done for him? It was for anyone to see how much that girl loved him, and he is a fool to let go of someone who has put up with so much for him for the last 7 years. What's wrong with him I asked him. He said he's confused. That was like a joke to me. How can anyone be confused after 7 years of dating is beyond me. I don't understand it. I really don't.


It's not like they found someone else, it's not like they have suddenly changed, it's not even that they don't like each other any more...but still...baffles me.



At 27, our parents had built a fortune already, had a family with two kids, and were already saving up for their retirement.


What are we doing today?


Somewhere I think it is the "Hey, I can do better than this. I can get a better girl/guy", thinking that's causing these people to split up.


With the world becoming smaller each day, with easy access to grooming, with easy money, it is easy to find a mate. Or that's what these people think. I have done that and I can tell you that it is a very potent argument and it's not so easy to brush it off.


It's easy to imagine that perhaps your soul-mate is somewhere else, maybe sitting at that cafe, maybe you'll bump into him at your friend's birthday party, maybe you'll meet her in MBA school, or maybe just maybe, you think, your parents will be able to find you a better one. Perhaps a hotter girl or perhaps a richer guy. The unknown will always be desirable. After 7 years, the temptation to explore will be strong.


I don't know who is right and who is not. But all I have to say is this: You might find a hotter girl, you might find a richer guy, but finding good, honest-to-god love? It comes rarely. Don't let people who love you walk out of your life.

Blame It All On Oxytocin...

Love is indeed a many-splendored thing, but sometimes we all need to tie ourselves to the mast.

Whoa!!! Wait a minute, so according to this article, it is possible to fall in love with anyone with a help of a little squirt of Oxytocin? And it's also, therefore, possible to move on and not mope over a failed relationship, with the help of a drug that reverses the Oxytocin effect?

I am on the fence about the use of such a drug, ofcourse, cause it's not natural. Though, looks like, it won't be too far in the future when use of such drugs would be commonplace. What about all that romance and poetry then? Useless?

Link to the research quoted in the article above.

Also, interesting idea by Larry Young on why men love boobs. From Freudian, evolutionary, reproductive to now bonding eh? :)

Looks like, foreplay is the word :)

We Are Here For A Reason...And It's Not Fun...

Having the nephew for 1 whole month has been quite a revelation, to put it mildly. Now that that one month is coming to an end, I can pretty much boast of being semi-qualified as a mother.

For the one whole month sister was here, she was on vacation (meaning she got to sleep for 5 hours at a stretch, poor thing), so it was all left to Dad and me to take care of the nephew. Nephew didn't take to mum a lot, so he pretty much stuck to dad's side or then mine.


So my repertoire includes bathing an one year old, feeding him, clothing him, changing his diapers, keeping him entertained for hours and though it still requires monumental effort to control my shrieks every time I feel something warm running down my legs, I am now also okay with things like baby pee and baby poop without puking. What else? I can even sing lullabies and put a kid to bed. Nice? Eh? And all this without having ever touched or even looked at a kid before. Would it be bragging if I said I was awesome?

No, right? I know, honestly, I deserve a medal!

(Which was duly gifted by sister in the form of payals. And I love them! I almost want to grab the first guy I see on the street and show him how beautiful and feminine my feet look with those colourful anklets and then feel all happy)


Moving on, I am also fully qualified as a hostess. I must have entertained atleast 5 dozen guests in the last one month whilst taking care of the nephew(Clearly, we are not a very sociable family). How awesome can I get? They should like make a new award for women like me!


But I hated every minute of it. Like really, now I know why women want to marry only rich men. Cause rich men can employ two dozen servants at home for all this entertaining business. All the hostess has to do is dress up and sit nicely and smile prettily at the guests and say, "ramu, memsaheb ke liye woh sherbet lana, aur baby ke liye woh lichee ice cream lana", and afterwards, when the party is over, all she has to do is remove the heavy jewellery and remove the pins from her hair and sigh wearily at her husband, who's rich remember?, and tell him how tiring all of it was and Mrs. Snooty-ass definitely wore a prettier diamond necklace. Like really, there's no cooking and washing plates in her life. I want to be a memsaheb too!


No surprise then, I have just postponed marriage by another 5 years and don't plan to have a kid. Unless someone pays me a few hundred lakhs to have a kid (which ain't happening).

Err, yes.

I cried the first day the nephew was here. Now, I am a very private person. I need my "me" time. I need loads of alone time. Which was like zero when the nephew was here. Usually, frustration comes out in two forms: loud, peppered with swear words yelling or then muffled sobs. Since the loud yelling would have woken up the nephew, I had to settle with the sobs. The first day I had to deal with a kid, it freaked me. I am, even now, after one month, can-pee-in-my-pants scared.

Motherhood is not easy.

Let me say it again, motherhood, is not easy. 

I said semi-qualified, cause motherhood is more than bathing and feeding a kid. It requires a whole different sort of sacrifice. A whole lot of patience. All women with kids are not mothers, some are just child bearers. It takes something much more to be a mother. You need true whole genuine love in your heart to be a good mother. Every woman should be scared of being a mother, cause it's a tough job. No demand is exaggerated, no sacrifice too big. Motherhood is not all toys and rainbows. At times you'll want to hate your own kid, but you can not. You can not disown your kid, or give him away one day you're tired and frustrated and under-slept and underfed and on saline cause you're so weak or even dying the very next day. You have to count to10, take a deep breath and paste a smile on your face and tell your kid something funny.


Married couples, please please spend atleast minimum two years with each other. Do not, really, do not rush to have kids. Your whole life, as you know it, will change once you have a kid. It will never be the same again, ever. Even after they, your kids, graduate from high school.


Enjoy your precious independent days. Stop hankering after marriage, those who are single. You know how you plan your day without a single thought for anyone else? That? That is gold. That freedom. Treasure it. Love it. Respect it. You'll miss it so much once you have a kid, but it'll never come back no matter how many times you say you miss your single days.


Having a kid means timing your loo breaks, means forgetting the idea of a full meal, means thinking atleast 10 times before going downstairs even, means thanking your stars if you get to sleep for 3 hours at stretch one fine day, means celebrating with canned juice if your kid sleeps without crying for one whole hour first, having a kid means no time for exercise, no time for looking good, being cut from the entire world, means no alone time ever with your spouse, and definitely, forget anything about sex once you have a kid. For one, your bodies, women, will be your worst nightmare. But you'll accept it anyway, cause every time you want to curse having a kid, you'll look at your baby looking at you with eyes full of hope and innocence and then she'll/he'll flash you her/his best smile and you'll say, its okay, I don't mind it, it gave me you. But yes, any man who sleeps with you post baby, tie him to your bed and never let him go, ever. And two, if you ever get any time, even like 20 mins alone, sleep! You can never bet when you'll get 20 whole uninterrupted minutes to sleep again.

Sex? Forget it.

Alrighty, I am off to make some watermelon juice for the nephew then. 

Frisson...

"I thought if only I had a keen, shapely bone structure to my face or could discuss politics shrewdly or was a famous writer Constantin might find me interesting enough to sleep with.


And then I wondered if as soon as he came to like me he would sink into ordinariness, and if as soon as he came to love me I would find fault, the way I did with Buddy Willard and the boys before him.


I would catch sight of some flawless man off in the distance, but as soon as he moved closer I immediately saw he wouldn't do at all.


That's one of the reasons I never wanted to get married. The last thing I wanted was infinite security and to be the place an arrow shoots off from. I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket." 

—Sylvia Plath

Mango And A Jackfruit...

What do you say of a girl whose worst fear is that she would turn out to be like her mother?

In Praise Of Older Women...

Benjamin Franklin's advice to men: Marry or then date older women.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice: that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1,000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part. The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever, so that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections, none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly. They are so grateful!!

I do not know why, but this has greatly pissed me off. Why?

Pour Me Some Rum!

So Mommy dearest has been most anxious these days. "Get married! Get married!" She keeps saying. So dearest astrologer was consulted and as per her, I shall be shooed away by 2012. Mid of 2012 she says. That means I have 1 and 1/2 year to have some real fun!

Mom's Punjabi friend is most interested and suggested some Punjabi guys and as soon as sister heard, she was shouting over the phone,"No Punjabi men! No Punjabi men! They beat their wives!".

Like really :| Generalizations abound? In my family, most definitely.

Astrologer also says I would end up getting married to someone from my friend's circle. Someone I know. When mom heard this, she was like, "Yeah! I like that friend of yours. He looks good. Why don't you marry him?". Like it's as simple as buying soap from the supermarket. It's not of any concern ofcourse, that I think of him more in the brotherly sense. And so she kept talking about him all the time. Frustrated and angry I finally said, "Mom, he's sleeping with my best friend. Do you understand that? He's just a good friend!". That shut her up nice. Actually no. That shut her up nice about the friend, but then she started shouting, "You girls!" and went on to give me a lecture. Arghh, bad, bad move! I am a bad girl now.

Then, mom's best friend has suggested one guy from Umrica. Very rich and good family. Mom was floored. "He's tall and fair and so very handsome".

"What am I going to do with tall, fair and handsome Ma? Place him on the coffee table as a showpiece?!"

"I don't understand what you want".

"I agree", I said, "you don't".

It's been peaceful since then. Nice.

*****
The thing that freaks me out about marriage is that one day I'll end up posting my kid's pic on Facebook and my friends will comment, "How cute. New clothes for baby xyz?" And I will reply, "Yea. I bought new slacks for her/him." And someone will reply "how cute" and that will be the most exciting thing in my life!

Terrified. My-heart-can-pop-out-and-run-away-and-hide-and-my-brain-can-come-off-in-pieces-terrified.

A Lifetime Of Compromises...

The second thing that came to my mind, maybe "put into my mind" would be more appropriate, when I thought about arranged marriages was: Compromise.


And the more number of people I speak to, the more it appears that people have a really dim view of marriage, cause no matter who, everyone gives you only one suggestion: Compromise. And on a whole, it seems like a very depressing situation.


Compromises have to be made, I understand that. Which relationship does not include compromises? But why do you never hear your parents telling you, "beta, now that you will be going to college and making new friends, remember to compromise". You never hear that, do you? Why do friends never advice you to "compromise" in a relationship? For smallest of shortcomings, your gf's will tell you to leave the guy, but never compromise. Maybe cause in all other relationships, you have an exit. Not so in marriage. You're supposed to make it work, no matter what, compromise and stick around. Marriages are meant to be forever.



What I found really funny was that people enter marriage with a whole lot of pessimism. I can understand why everyone should be so scared. (It's funny we still go ahead and get married, humans I tell you!). There are so many bad examples around, that one can't help but think the worst. I know I am guilty of the same. So I can understand that, but what baffles me is that, even while thinking of a partner you choose to compromise with your wants and dreams.


I told M that I would really like to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves travelling (So we could both travel all the time). He looked at me as if I had gone mad, then laughed, then told me I was being silly. It's a stupid thing to look for in a marriage, said H. A didn't mock outright, she knew I was serious, but she looked at me, her hands gesturing her incredulity,  and calmly asked me, "do you think once you get busy in your married life, have kids and all, do you think you'll find time to travel at all? You'll be happy to even find a spare relaxing Sunday to chill at home, but travel?" And I actually wondered if I should look for aspects like a love for travelling and reading, something I feel are essential in my life partner. Were they really a "must-have"? Or was I being really short-sighted?


And then I remembered the times I was happy in 2010. The time when I actually touched clouds in Bhutan, not fog, clouds. When I climbed Tiger's Nest. It was a tiring journey, but one look at the view from the top was enough to melt away all tiredness like snow on a sunny afternoon...the view was just beyond words. And I was so happy to be there. I felt so lucky to be there. And at peace. Like anything was possible. Then how proud I was when I went all the way, alone, to Mysore, made new friends, walked my way to museums and palaces and Udipi Restaurants. How excited I was, travelling through Hyderabad in an auto rickshaw, to be discovering a new city. And how adventurous when I roamed the markets of Amritsar in a cycle auto rickshaw, so much fun eating parathans and lassis and haggling over phulkari dupattas, like generations of Punjabi women must have done -you see, a got to live a slice of someone else's life(and that too the good bits), a life I had only read and heard about -what could be more precious? And how lucky I felt to be sitting on the steps of the sacred pool and watching the Golden Temple transform into a mesmerizing beauty at 5am in the morning, with a gorgeous orange in the background, golden shimmery water everywhere and the sound of early morning bird song...I felt I was in heaven. And I realised, the only time I was happy in 2010 was when I was travelling...discovering new places, new people, new food, new language...a new world.


I remember growing up wanting to travel places. I remember telling myself as a child that if one day I come across a Genie and if I get to make one wish, I should first ask for 100 wishes, but if I am not allowed to, then I should ask for a chance to travel the world.


Do I still think it's a frivolous thing? I turned to books, cause I couldn't travel to Spain myself, and Egypt and England, but I could atleast read about them. I know what they wear and eat and sing in Italy and France and Scotland and Australia, not because I travelled there, but because I read about them, and in my head, atleast, I have seen all those places. Should I then compromise on something that makes me truly happy?


"Agreed", M said. "But then let's say, you get married to a travel writer and you're happy for the first couple of years and one day while rock climbing he falls down and breaks his leg. He's paralyzed forever. What would you do then?" I was just stumped for a moment. It's like saying, don't venture out on the streets cause people are dying! Why should you compromise even before you actually need to compromise?

I don't understand. Shouldn't we be compromising in short term relationships, cuase they anyway won't last a long time and you can always just walk away. And shouldn't we, when looking for a long term relationship, try to seek one where compromises, atleast not a plenty many, will not be needed?


And what will really happen if you compromise? You give up on things you want and settle for something else, something easily obtainable. But then what? Do dreams just die like that? I don't know, I think they might just hide, pull themselves back and hide in some corner and sulk and sulk and sulk. And the day you find a way to fulfil those wants and dreams, they're going to wake up and shake things up and your pretty little house is going to fall apart.


When I go to my local library, there's a whole section for romance novels, and at first I thought many teenage girls would be taking those books home. What I instead observed over the years, was that not teenagers, but married women read romance novels the most. Women, who have immersed themselves in the mundaneness of their lives, settled into domesticity,  they seek to live the dreams they gave up through these novels. That aunty who is now married with kids, who settled for a finance guy, she lives the life she wanted, through someone's else story, through someone else's life. Is she truly happy? I think she'll say yes. But deep down, she has squashed her dreams and prepared herself for the kind of life she has. She has learnt to live with compromises, with someone more suitable. But deep down, she wants something else, perhaps someone else, she knows she can never get. Some people don't see anything wrong with it. I do.


It's natural, that when you don't find what you're looking for in one place, you'll try to seek it somewhere else.  If you don't find everything that makes you happy in your spouse, it's very probable that you'll seek it in someone else. Unknowingly. Sometimes knowingly. Extra marital affairs anyone?


I have compromised too. And what I have realized is that compromises are tricky. You are happy compromising as long as things are going according to the plan. The minute they go awry, you start complaining how and how much you compromised. The bitterness creeps in, the dislike shows. The name-calling starts. And like help, compromises mean zilch, once you mention it. The minute you point out how many compromises you've made, that sandcastle you so painstakingly erected, gets washed away with the waves your words create.


So yea, maybe an ordinary girl like me can't expect to meet Mr.Perfect, but surely, I can hope to find Mr.Perfect-For-Me? And I promise, I'll compromise if I find him, but only if he promises to take me to ***Egypt first.



***I remember we were watching some travel show featuring Egypt and I sighed and oohed, and fascinated with it all, I said to my sister, "If I ever get to go back in time, I'll want to go back to the time of these Egyptian kings and queens." And my dearest sister said, "Do you think you'd go back to the era as a "queen" huh? You'd probably be one of those common Egyptian citizens, probably even a manual labourer and look, life for them was so hard, building all those pyramids and what not. I wouldn't want to be them!" Sigh, yes, she was always the more practical one. And I was always living in my head! :|

The Naked Soul...

Everyone wants that love marriage, where you meet "the one", your soul mate and then decide to get married cause you can not stay away from each other, no never, and so you tie the knot that will keep you together always, forever, la-la-la. And having found the love of one's life, one imagines oneself in a red Mercedes convertible driving into a brilliant sunset, with one's hair flying in the wind (and maybe one can surely add a flimsy Audrey Hepburn-esque scarf flying in the wind for added aesthetics.) How romantic and all that one thinks. On the other hand, no one desires an arranged marriage, for it is so cold, for that's how it appears, very cold and very businesslike. Where you meet random people, decide to get to know each other over a cup of chai/coffee and then talk over phone and if you're lucky meet in person to dissect the other's character and coldly weigh his/her "value" and if he/she fits the bill, get married. But something similar happens in love marriages. You meet a random person, maybe at a party, maybe in college, maybe at work and decide to talk and then maybe get to know each other over a cup of coffee and then blah blah...you know the deal. Yet, we look at arranged marriages with such trepidation, and love marriages with our rose-tinted glasses. I wonder why such unfair treatment?

Probably because in a love marriage, you know the person well enough(get to know in "biblical sense" too?) and you know for sure that this is what you want, this is who you want to be with. In an arranged marriage, how well can you really get to know the other person during the courtship period?

The first thing that went through my mind when I thought about arranged marriages was-sex. I can be all modest and choose to ignore it, but it's an important aspect of a romantic relationship and I have seen couples break up, after 2 years, cause the girl wasn't ready to commit fully or the guy was no good. Physical compatibility is as important as emotional and intellectual compatibility and while you can judge a person's emotional nature and find out if you both match intellectually by talking to them and spending time with them, there's no sure way of knowing if you'll click in the bedroom department as well, unless you actually give it a shot. Which surely can not happen in an arranged marriage (You can't be kissing every guy your parents/friends approve!). So essentially you enter into an arranged marriage with your fingers crossed, hoping that you both will be great together. Definitely loads of luck and some divine intervention I thought.


After talking to a lot of people, it seemed like, yes, it was one of the main drawbacks of an arranged marriage. A colleague from work is in the process of getting a divorce 'cause apparently the guy had some problem. Another one is getting a divorce after two years cause the guy still refuses to do it with her. A friend's friend has got a divorce 'cause the guy refused to even get near her. And when my best friend got married, I did wonder if she would be comfortable doing it on her first night. Wouldn't it be weird, I thought, to get intimate with someone with whom you've never been intimate, at all? And say if you do get intimate and find out that it was a total dud and then what? What a damper that would be! And you're stuck now, cause you're married! ***


And so I told H about my doubts. And what he said made much sense, atleast to me, though I think I have yet to fully figure this thing out. Physical attraction is a tricky thing. You can never know. A friend recently told me that she had the most awesome time with a fat guy, and she never ever even dreamt of going anywhere near a fat, sloppily dressed guy. Forget a fat guy, I feel zilch attraction toward even some of the good-looking, impeccably dressed guys. I was looking for some kind of pattern that I can trust to guide me. But can you really know? Can you ever guess who can take you on a ride in the clouds and who will leave you staring at the ceiling? What however, one has noticed is that physical attraction comes when you like the person, really like the person. Physical intimacy comes when there's emotional intimacy.

I remember a guy friend once told me, I loosely paraphrase, to seduce a woman touch not her skin, but her mind. When I look back, I realize, the guys I have strongly been attracted to, physically, I have most definitely been very very strongly attracted to their minds. I remember liking a guy, who, what shall I say, wasn't exactly James Dean in the looks department, but I loved him, cause I was so seduced by his mind. Which also explains why I just can not bring myself to like this another guy, who's is physically great looking and all that but I don't remember ever going "wow" while talking to him. "Yawn" most of the time.


So there, I am still confused, but maybe one doesn't need to worry all that much about the sparks and chemistry and getting to know your partner in the biblical sense before tying the knot. Our parents, after all, did have babies, no? I guess then, strong physical attraction will be there if you like that person and are emotionally and intellectually compatible.


***Same could hold true for other qualities as well. Really that girl who comes carrying the tray, all shy and coy and salwaar-clad, do you really think she's all shy and coy and wears salwar-kameez all the time? Or for that matter, I always wonder, what would be a right response to your husband's "Have you had sex before"? If you say no, you make him happy, and you hopefully live a happy romantic married life. If you say yes, brace yourself for a barrage of questions, loads of insecurity and a possibility that it might ruin your chances of a happy romantic married life. I always wonder what guys would prefer to hear. Would they prefer to hear a no, never knowing if she was lying or being truthful, believing the best and forgetting about it or would they be okay, truly okay with hearing the truth. I know most guys will say, "I would rather you be honest with me and tell me the truth", but I wonder, deep down, if they'll really be ever okay.

Uncle Scrooge...

Next time my bf and I are having a serious talk, I am going to use the following script:

Me: hum dono husband-wife hain kya?

BF: No

Me: Kyun? *confused hurt expression*

BF: Kyunki wives bahut demanding hoti hain. Mujhe yeh chahiye, mujhe woh chahiye. Jamta nahi hain!

Me: *Says in a soft hurt voice* Par mujhe toh sirf Malabar hill mein ek bungalow chahiye jiske garage mein ek BMW M model car khadi ho. *makes a itna-bhi-nahi-kar-sakte-mere-liye-jaanu face*

BF: Checking his wallet, aisa kya?

Me: *Nods innocently*

BF: Toh fir thik hain. Aaj hi mummy se baat karta ho.

And then we kiss and live happily ever after.

How nice, no? I clearly need to sleeeeeeeeeep! Sleep sleep sleep!

Shaddi Waddi, Hai Rabba!

So the next few posts are going to be dedicated to, you'll be greatly pleased to know, marriage. I am going to just dump my thoughts about marriage, and those of my friends, here. And lets see if I can make some sense out of it all.


So after Munira's wedding, M, this guy friend of ours has taken it upon himself to get me married next. And so we had lengthy discussions. And then H joined in and explained to me how my requirements are not necessities, but frivolous demands, almost luxuries that can never be met. And then it seemed PB's worried about me too. "A needs to find someone as crazy as she is, else...". Ofcourse, Mom's given up on me. Then my pyaari sakhi Munira forced me to register on the likes of shaddi.com. Another friend suggested I become friends with some other friend cause this friend runs a marriage bureau of sorts. You know, extra help? And so it would seem that the whole world wants to get rid of me. Fair enough, I am a pain like that. But I don't understand, why must all of us follow the herd mentality when looking for a spouse? Tall, handsome and rich? Fair, slim and docile?


So when I told my friends the kind of guy I want, much disappointment happened. When I read out the quote that described him perfectly to the T, much fun was made, of me, the quote and of the author. Many laughs at my expense were had. Infact, every time someone new joined our discussion, M would say, "hey did you read this quote?" And then someone would go on and read it out loud, and obviously, no one would get it and everyone would then laugh at how I wanted to marry a snake. So I said chuck the quote, and looking out of the window, I remarked how the sea looked liquid gold with the dipping sun in the background; I was immediately termed crazy. I was then advised, in a very serious manner, how I should be looking for a caring guy and not a poet, someone who would get me water and not someone who would think the water is golden and leave me to die of thirst. No stupid, it's just light reflecting off the water. Why, I never studied physics! :|


And sigh, when that didn't work, AC told me how one should never marry. MG said she would never marry. She knows someone who's 35 and single and hot and happy. And someone else who is also 35, not that hot, but single and happy. Everyone else joined in how marriage didn't make any sense and then told me stories of how everyone they know were getting divorced, young and old, love and arrange marriages both were f**ked.


And so here I am, obviously, pretttty confused. So I thought maybe I should write it down, it helps me. Or then maybe I should just go sleep. See video.



In this case though, I think, I need to do both :|

An Honest Word...

So much to think about, so much to talk about, so much to write about...so much!:)

But just one lesson: Don't be scared to expect the best.

*****
It hurts, I feel very very sad, but the truth is that you have left my world. And the one person with whom I could share my sadness has left me too.

*****
And no matter what happens, no matter what fucking happens, a woman never forgets that one guy she truly loved. She still weeps in the dark, sobs in the arms of her best friend and she still thinks about him, everyday. Everyday.

*****
Why do you want to get married he asked. We hated each other. But we were talking now and I would be lying if I said I did not like it much. He is against marriage. Never wants to get married. I looked at him, him trying really hard to sound confident and look all nonchalant. You know the "I am a stud and I can bang 50 chicks at even 40, why do I need marriage" look? He had one. And he looked good with it too.

Companionship I said. I want someone to share my life with. I am lonely.

He made some joke out of it and started digressing. Changed the topic, I let him. But just for one second, just for one second, before the shutters came down, I saw his vulnerable side. He was as lonely and as scared.

Somewhere, yes, it felt good.

*****
Don't ignore the one who has it, to make the one who does not have it feel good. The one who has it, probably needs some loving too.

A Plan...

I am going to opt for court marriage, if I get married. Really. All this commotion and confusion and planning and coordinating is enough to drive the sanest of them mad. I don't know how the bride and groom are holding up. I'd just run away and get married. I'd like that infact. A Quiet ceremony. Just the dearest friends in attendance and then a dinner somewhere nice. Perfect.

Caught In The Net...

So today was dedicated for Munira's wedding shopping and I bought two awesome sarees and I can't wait to flaunt them! :D Wheeeeeeeee! Okay so, one is baby pink and the other is in hot pink colour. Yes, I bought PINK sarees! :D Yay, yay, yay!


And like always I forgot about the details. Details like what you say? Well, I just realised that both the awesome sarees are made of net material, and well that's all fine. The real problem is that I have only 15 days left to get a liposuction. Or else everyone at Munira's wedding is going to get a full view of my awesome tummy. Yep. That's ofcourse, if she lets me enter the wedding hall in those sarees, in the first place.


Anyway, so when I told mom I am buying sarees for Munira's wedding instead of lengha's, she was more than happy. According to mothers, once a girl wears a saree, she's ready for marriage. I bought my first saree in 2004 for my sister's wedding. But my mom is still hopeful. What can I say?


You know it's only when you go to the markets, the real markets of India, do you realize how the not-so-well-off live and buy. Shopping in the malls has insulated us from the harsher realities that exist a few kilometers away from those malls. We buy in AC malls, with music and assistants to help you, and where you don't have to lug around heavy bags, you instead have carts or then bags with wheels that you can drag around.


But you buy from these markets and you realise, in that whole chaos which defines the Indian markets, how lucky you are.


And while we are on the topic of buying, I bought bananas on the way today. I mostly never bought any groceries (though I can bargain real well :D), dad or mom always did. I only bought the "gourmet" vegetables for the likes of pasta and pizza, that too from the gourmet shops, and so I went to the market like after a long time and good god! Bananas are 30 rupees a dozen? What the hell happened? Did all bananas go to heaven? And my favourite oranges? They're 100 rupees a dozen! Even a litre of petrol is cheaper! I remember buying them oranges at 40/- a dozen last winter. If someone like me finds 100 rupees a dozen for oranges costly, what do the poor eat?


And we girls really need to learn the art of saving from our mothers. I mean, look at us! We have regular incomes and good incomes for that matter and we never save anything. I don't know what happens to my money. It comes and goes. And I am like, erm, yes I have been working for 4 years now, what happened to all that money? I guess I need to open my wardrobe and look inside. Yes, I need to learn how to save from mother. Our stay-at-home moms never had regular incomes like we do, but still they managed to save so much, and we? We don't even know what happens to our money. Shameful.


And so it's decided. 2011 new year resolution is: Learn the art of saving. Yep. I'll be a rich woman someday.

A Marigold...

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

--Friedrich Nietzsche

Can We Have A Pillow Fight?

If I count all the weddings I need to attend this December, December 2010, the count would probably cross 20. Not a surprise really, we are 27 already. I don't squeal with happiness when a girlfriend tells me she's getting married or act surprised when a guy friend says he's hitched. Marriage is now a fact of life. And every time I look at their pictures, honeymoon pictures, Bangkok and Rajasthan and Kerala and Mauritius, a strange feeling takes over. That sunrise, those cocktail shrimps, those flowers, that white neatly tucked bed, those are not ordinary pictures. Those are once in a life moments. Moments they waited for all their life. We all do. And maybe it's the wait that renders them beautiful.


Sigh. It feels like it was only yesterday, when I was listening to yet another Bryan Adams "Everything I do" dedication at the school fête and giggling. And now, everyone I know is getting married. I try not to make a big deal out of it, but it is a big deal. We've come such a long long way.


I feel positively ancient today. And alone.

*****

Will you dance with me
Take my hands and lead me,
With all my faults
In the ballroom waltz
That we might have done
Had we ever been young

It'll end in tears
But not for years
If you dance with me

Will you dance with me,
Me, with two left feet
You'd be showing me how
I'm no dancer now

But soon you and I
Could step into the sky
We'll go down in flames,
Of course, but love remains
If you dance with me

I'll make only sunny weather for you
The sky will be blue forever
I'll make only sunny weather for you
To keep me and you together

And you'll dance with me
In the rain, maybe
But we won't really mind
In the end we'll find
It was just a dance
And our little romance
It'll fall to dust
But only just
If you dance with me
It'll fall to dust
But only just
If you dance with me

Fruity Vanilla...

If you're looking for a few laughs....

(keep the kids away...and parents)

Marriages Are Made in Heaven?

It took a lot of courage and many dialogues with my self to come to a stage where I thought marriage was not so bad after all. And I did not want my faith in marriage shaken. Not after I struggled to believe in it in the first place.

But I see failing marriages all around. Both, arranged and love marriages, and they have done what a jerk would do to a cookie perched on the corner of a high table. The cookie has fallen down and crumbled into particles, like my faith in this "great" institution has. Or perhaps, not in this institution as much as in people. And in their innate goodness. Goodness, what goodness? 

It wrenches your soul to watch a 55 year old woman cry for her only child's well-being. She is so heart broken, she does not even pray for her daughter's happiness anymore, she only prays that her daughter and her two granddaughters simply stay alive. Yes, where is God at such times I wonder. Where is justice? 

Today's men are simply literate. Not educated. They're not. 

Working in the US and studying in UK has not made them open-minded and/or understanding. They have travelled all over the world but they still live in their caves. They still treat their "better" halves as slaves, as maids. What has 21st century done for us women I wonder. When the husband locks his pregnant wife and denies her food while his son is growing inside her. When he treats her nothing more than a piece of furniture in the house. When he refuses to take her close or even talk to her for 5 years. Yes. That long. And yes, these men, they are from what one would say "good families". Families that have colonels and college professors as parents. Families that are respected in the society. Good families. I don't think so, if they raised such beasts as sons, I don't think so! What kind of children have you raised? I feel sorry for the women who raised such men! Sorry cause you not only failed as mothers but also as human beings. What a shoddy job you have done raising such imbeciles who do not realize how badly it affects his own children when he beats their mother because she spent an extra dollar on baby-food or didn't mow the lawn on time. Yes, six-year olds and 2-year olds can not say much, but they understand. And it's so sad that when even a little girl can understand, this grown man can not see that he is murdering his own happiness when he refuses his wife basic respect.

Yes, I am very bitter. I know all men aren't same, not as contemptible. All marriages are not quagmires, not made in hell. But what can I do? It's so difficult to see all these ruins and still hope that your house will be beautiful. It scares me. It scares me to know that we might be living in 2010, but women today are still treated as bad as they were back in 1700's. 

This pain is not what we dream of when we tie that black thread and leave our carefully built world to make a home with you. We don't raise your children to have them hit and hurt by you. We don't give you our heart, body and soul for you to butcher them with your bare hands. We dream of happiness too. And so, look into our eyes and tell us that we don't deserve to be happy.