A Short Guide To Being Pathetic

Caveat: Writing this at odd 2:30 am, expect a lot of ranting.

*****
It's funny how you can still feel lonely even with a house full of people.

*****
All right, if I am going to rant, let me get straight to it: I am not happy right now. Nothing more to say there. I don't know why things have to be so complicated, always, why can't for once there be no drama and life went on without any hiccups?

I hate fights. I am not like A, who can fight and then not speak for days with someone. I always had issues with not talking with loved ones. It just makes me feel...not complete. Not right. So while I sit in the living room, staring at the ceiling, I realised I am unhappy and bored of life. And I am hoping to spot a ghost or two today. That's the only way I can add some excitement back in my life.

What with the movie Talassh (which I found a huge letdown), I am hoping my unhappiness levels are high enough for a few good souls to drop by for a cuppa.

And then again, I have not felt this wrong or dissatisfied with my body ever. Not only have I gained considerable weight, just bordering on "fat", but also, I have been falling ill every week, without fail. Sometimes, it's your everyday flu, something it's Vertigo, sometimes it's gastroenteritis sometimes it's something else. It's like everything is crashing on my head and my body is crumbling under it.

*****

Matrimony, a topic that has never gone down well with me, is looming larger these days. A little comfort that some of best friends are also unmarried yet, helps, but still, I need to take that step, what with the 28th approaching in 9 days and all that.

******

Sigh, so what do I need right now? A ghost or two maybe, but also some discipline in life. For a person like me who needs to have everything orderly around her, my life's in most disorderly state right now and I am not very pleased with myself. There are things that give me happiness and help me keep going, but still, I am tired of your same old.

I want to have experiences now. The other day we played Jenga at a friend's place and you know, after a long time I enjoyed something. I screamed and laughed and got excited about something, even if it was just removing a piece of wooden block from a stack, and a bit drunk too. But I did.

That made me realise that we, as a generation, have forgotten the good old ways of having fun. These days all people do is either go to malls and spend the entire day there, with kids and all. Or then go to same old clubs and drink and dance to vacuous music and get wasted. How else can we have fun? Why has life become suck a fucking bore? Or is it just me?

The other day the bored me was on the way to work and I passed a garden, shabbily kept garden, but anyone in Mumbai would appreciate that there is open space in the first place! Anyway, there were 13-14 year old kids playing blindman's  bluff(?), a sight I hadn't seen in years! Maybe as I am growing older I am regressing, but I want to have plain old fun. I used to be such a happy kid. What happened to that happy girl?

*****
So, I want to have fun again, I want to feel alive again, I want to have experiences. I want to explore, I want to experiment, I want to learn and grow and laugh and discover, exhilarate and be thrilled and be amazed, hear sounds again and feel the colours pop. I want to listen and not just hear and I want to notice the details. And I want to look forward to living. I almost felt the old temptation of playing with knife and your wrist. Call me a coward, but sometimes you just don't want a break from life.


But no, I am not giving up, I am going to have goals and not just spend day after day doing nothing. I am going to paint again. And cook. I used to take pride in my cooking and it used to bring me such joy, I realise I have not cooked in months, in fact, I have not cooked since I shifted to Mumbai. And I am going to go out and meet new people and be sassy and fun and not a wimp or a needy little girl. And I am going to put things in the right box, cause that makes me happy, that brings peace to my mind, knowing there's order in my life. It makes me, perhaps, feel like I have some control on the way things are in my life and right now, it feels like I am just flowing with where the current takes me.


Everyday I look in the mirror, I am saddened, this person I have become, this is not me. I was never like this. I was so proud of myself, now I am full of excuses. I am tired of begging for scraps. I am tired of chasing and wanting. And I am tired of being disappointed. Of myself.

So it's December, my favourite month of the year and I have a plan. And I am going to make sure this plan does not remain just a plan. And so, if not ghosts, will Santa please show up?

I Never Feel Earthquakes...

Do you remember back in the 90's the biggest problem men had when it came to dating was that talking to women scared the daylights out of them men? I remembering coming across a dozen articles everyday where someone had a brilliant advice how to break the ice-which usually was go-fucking-TALK-to-them. These days those articles have disappeared. We don't need them anymore, we now have the Internet.

*****
When I think about AB, I always remember the curt reply he gave me when I asked him if the Microprocessor lecture was cancelled; "apparently", was all he said and walked away like I was some lowly creature and he some God. He acted like one. At least that is what we all thought and hated him for it. He was one of those college topper boys and had an air about him that made people feel awe or hatred about him. As for me, I found him weird. And when Apeksha lost a bet, I asked her to go ask AB out for some Pineapple Milk**. She did and he said a "No" that sounded more like "In your dreams woman". (Appppuu! I am gonna meet you soon!!!!Yay! :) Baby! And we'll dance to the Pungi song! Fun times await.  Unless I die in a plane crash first :| )

Okay back to AB, I ran to the classroom, the ever late me, and true enough, the lecture was cancelled. And that's all the interaction I ever had with AB back in engineering college. Apart from throwing paper planes at him in the class when we got really bored and mean.

We graduated and went our different ways. Then one day Orkut came with the chat feature. Everyone on your Orkut list was added to your chat list on Gtalk. And suddenly, AB and I were chatting.

Today, not only do we chat regularly(I know, sorry for being tardy lately) and I must feature in his very small "girl friends" list, but also, I have come to understand him for the person he is and AB, sorry for throwing paper plans at you back in college :( You've been a darling of a friend, and one who's been always so, so practical! He's my "give-practical-unbiased" advice guy.


The whole point of this exercise was to tell you that the WWW has been really awesome, in bringing people together. I know so many awesome people, people I have never met, but yet who feature daily in my life, thanks to the WWW.

When I told my friends I was travelling alone all the way to Mysore to attend a friend's wedding, a friend I had known only on the Internet, every one of my friends thought I was crazy. But anyone who's been on the blogger and twitter has such friends and knows it's anything but crazy.


**We had the Aarey milk factory close to college which used to be one of our usual hangouts and the pineapple milk....simply yum!

*****
But as always, we have taken a good thing and turned it into a bad thing. In spite of having 1000 friends on FB, a thousand followers on Twitter, we are lonely and bored.


Boredom and loneliness is a problem today cause we choose to hide. And the WWW has given us that too. We choose to be lazy. We have lowered our standards and we are happy with it, cause not hiding and actually going and talking to people in person takes efforts, it means you can't be something you're not, you stand a chance of exposing your true self and you have to be vulnerable. It means we can go on pretending to be super humans in the online world and the real world doesn't matter anymore, cause look how many friends I have on FB! You can tweet about having a good time on twitter and post pictures you clicked last night with Katrina Kaif, but how many know that you're lonely? The WWW has given us that, a chance to be what we're not.


But why should we want to be something that we're not? Why are we so afraid? What do we have to hide? We have our BB busy status and we have the notorious invisible status on Gtalk. We have learnt to hide behind our FB walls and code life in our sly tweets. In a country of 1.2 billion people if you're lonely and bored, then the problem should be in you, no?


All you have to do is look up from your screen and at the people around you. So many interesting people, so many wonderful conversations await you. So many wonderful memories wilt and die, tired of waiting. I have a friend who's always busy on his BB, while I sit playing with my soup. I wonder if he'll miss these times when I waited for him and he was busy talking to people on his BB. And I see that happening everywhere. People enter clubs and restaurant in packs and then spread out in corners busy on their BB's. What's the POINT people? Retards.


When there's a person in flesh sitting from across you and you choose to talk to a machine instead, what times sweet lord! This is how these machines will take over us and this will be written as the beginning of the end of the human race. No, wait, I am not being dramatic here. You'll see! If you survive the talking-robot attack, that is.


*****
I am so exhausted that even the thought that today is the first day of my vacation doesn't excite me. Well, I still have to finish loads of work and pack!

But sigh, first travel of the year. God! I want more of these!!! I want more friends! I want to travel MORE! Argghh.

And God, if I don't get it in this life, I'll die and crib so much to you in heaven that you'll be forced to send me back to earth with the most awesome bunch of friends and loads and loads of awesome travel! Choose!

*****
And I am tired, I give up. Once I meet her, I am going to prostrate in front of her and tell her it's all in her hands now. She has to decide whether to revive or kill it. I am, tired.

*****
I want you to come and fold me into you arms and just let me be. Hold me tight and make me forget everything else. I am waiting, waiting, waiting :| Dude!

*****
I dreamt about you yesterday. You had written to me and you were telling me you were having some problems but now things are getting back on the track and you seemed happy writing to me, like you were not mad at me anymore. How are you sweetheart? Are you really so mad at me that you won't even talk to me?

You seemed happy in the dream. I hope you're so in real life too. I miss you, my Tarot lady.

*****
Look up from that screen and you'll notice the bare hill in front of your window, the blanket of purple flowers has disappeared and the wild grass has now turned brown, that summer has arrived and that it's time to go out and make new friends.


And while we're at it, I want to dance to this song with my new friends.

And I want to lie on grass under the midnight sky and listen to this song.

Where's My Gaurdian Angel?

You want a job, a vacation, heath insurance, validation, a back rub, a scalp massage at the place where you get your haircut, people who are jealous of you, an ex who won’t stop texting you when they’re drunk, Twitter followers, happiness maybe sorta, someone to buy you lunch at a fancy restaurant, a mentor who can tell you what the hell to do with your life, a reliable internet connection, a reliable human connection, a gift card to the grocery store, dinner parties with friends where everyone will pretend to have their crap together for just one night, a nice flirty text message to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life, for everyone to like you even if you don’t like anyone, and one of those nights that doesn’t end till 9 AM and reminds you what it feels like to be young and alive. Oh, and $$$. That’s all. Think you can get that for me?

From ThoughtCatalog: What 20-somethings want.


And this is what the ones approaching 30 want:

You want a career that makes you feel like you're doing something good with your life, not just some job that pays your bills, something really meaningful. You want a great mentor who'll guide you how to make more money while having that mythical work-life balance. You want to come home to loved ones. You want a happy family, lots of cousins, aunts and uncles, nephews and nieces. You want a happy marriage. You want to stay close to your parents and be closer to your in-laws. You want a partner who accepts and understands you and loves you. You want friends to stay closer to you, or atleast one plane-hop away. You want vacations. And you want travel. You want time to read important books and cook your favourite meals and you want time to do nothing. You want to learn something new every month if not every week. You want to be able to save handsomely for your retirement. You want a healthy body, a clear mind, soft skin and a head full of glossy hair. You want drunken nights out with friends and you want get-togethers where conversations go on till 9AM. You want reliable human connection and someone who'll make you laugh. You want a pet. You want to have your act together and not need any validation from outside. You want lots of energy to do all those things, to keep everyone around you happy and work towards your own happiness. You want to feel that the past was good, but the future is going to be better.

That’s all. Think you can get that for me?

Unseen...

You know, I never realised how awesome it was to have you around in the same office at T. Everytime there was something I needed to talk about, all I had to do was get up and walk over to your desk and you were there. I still sometimes get up from my desk here and imagine walking to your desk, the one next to the cafeteria. I see you wearing your white woolen jacket and your black-rimmed funky specs. I imagine you looking up from your laptop at me, and I imagine saying, "Munira, guess what happened". I miss you. So damn much. Why did you have to get married? :( They say you're happier when you stay close to your friends. I am unhappy. Call me to the US too. I'll come.

Save The Carrots For The Horses...

At times when you are faced with an uncontrollable desire to be close to someone else's skin, like when mine seems to forget how to breathe on its own from time to time, one will sit by oneself and often wonder, what can one do? At such times I have found a couple of things to help. These are after my own experiments and one must try, if they so choose to, at their own peril. Try this to begin with at first: Sit quietly in your closed room, and let the noise of the creaking fan drown your every thought, better than chanting om's, I assure you. But if you don't happen to be fortunate enough to have such an entertaining equipment at your immediate disposal, try reading. Politics, I have come to realise, helps immensely. And at times like the present, you will agree there be no dearth of reading material. But if you are not so inclined to reading politics, you might want to try astrophysics or interviews of famous personalities. But do not ever venture anywhere close to poetry or romantic literature. That-will-not-help. You will find yourself howling into the book even before you reach the third paragraph and who, honestly, wants to soil a pretty book of poems? No sir, you don't want to do that. Now, if you're no so much of a reading person, you might want to listen to music. Choose rock, heavy metal, and if you can stomach death metal, I'd suggest that too. Again, no jazz, no romantic music. But if in spite of chastising yourself a dozen times, you still gravitate toward those soft romantic numbers, another solution in the form of Orange Blossom could be tried. And while that fragrant amber liquid warms you inside out, you could gently nudge your mind into doing complex arithmetic. You might want to check how many sachets of Orange Blossom remain in the tin. Only 10?! Bad news, you must now ration out missing the person.


Oh wait, we are backing to missing then? Alright, try watching a funny video, a movie, maybe call a friend? And if all else fails, plumpling, pick up that damned phone and call that person who's causing so much misery. Do it. And then hear that person talk to you in the rudest fashion ever and as you struggle to get over the shock of those coarse words, ask yourself, do I still miss this person? I guarantee the answer will be a big fat NO.


Now, calm yourself down and make sure you don't leave any evidence behind. Gloves. And oh, you might want to double-check the carpets if any.


But if I were you, honeybunch, I wouldn't bother in the first place. 

The Deprived Goat...

And as I sat alone in my empty flat, away from home on a festive day, more to punish myself than anything else, I realised a couple of things about myself that I never knew. Sometimes I wonder if people, normal folks, go through this too. Discovering new things, new facets of their personality, as often as I do.


But anyway, coming back to the topic at hand, I grew up on a healthy dose of romance novels. I saw more romance movies than action movies (though I love action movies too). Come to think of it, I was always lost in the beautiful locales to notice what the heroine was saying to the hero in an oh-so whisper-y voice. And when M, exasperated, said, how can you not know? I was forced to take a good hard look at myself and accept that maybe, I am just not a romantic. That came as a shock to me. All my life I believed myself to be a romantic. Somewhere, I still think I am, but maybe I am a closet(whatever that means) romantic you know? Does that make me sad? It does. (No the closet bit, but not being able to weave poetry all the time and not knowing what to say and  more importantly, how to say it).


Women are supposed to be romantic, you know? They are supposed to be born with all tricks of the trade. Getting men to do their bidding is a cake walk for most women and I am always left with my jaw on the floor. How do they know what to say and how to say it? Like is there some class I missed as a teenager? I can flirt all right, but when it comes to the real thing, I am always left fumbling. I'll either say something entirely stupid and spoil the moment or just not know what to say and keep quiet.


So when someone says you have such beautiful eyes, I'll stare blankly at him and say okay. (I still don't what the correct response should be).


And although it does make me feel less like a woman, that's who I am. I am artless. I am stupid. And I am, most of the time, scared.


So, I give up. Maybe I really should go up in the Himalayas and learn how to chant and stuff.


P.S: Next time you want to get all romantic with me, get a list of responses you'd like in return. I am good at reading.

Oohs and Moos...

Saturday was spent watching two alien movies-Smurfs and Cowboys & Aliens. Although the friend liked both, I liked neither, only because guys possess this awesome ability not to over-think, whereas I? I obsess about things that no one obsesses about. Like, why were smurfs so much like humans? Oh yea, so they had four fingers instead of five, yes, very wow, very original (clap clap)! Or then why did the aliens from some arbitrary planet look so much like humans? Only a grotesquer version. Watch these alien movies and you realise how unimaginative we humans really are. How shallow our creative abilities. How obsessed we are with our own image. How we have never really learnt to look beyond us, how we still think inside the box. I mean, seriously, if we can't even come up with decent monsters, what does that say about us? Our monsters and aliens drive the same machines, they desire the same things-gold, really? and they look pretty much like us humans-hands and feet and eyes and a brain and all that. Pfft!

Sorry for being such a nitpicker, but I am going to save my wow's for the real aliens.

P.S: If you must watch Cowboys & Aliens, watch it only for Daniel Craig. And then come back and tell me where I can find such a man. Not much fun being a woman these days I tell you. Deep sighs and a tub of icecream.

Unbuttoned & Attentive Red Lips...

Throughout history, women have been depicted in great works of art. There’s the Venus de Milo, Mona Lisa, Virgin Mary and even the Statue of Liberty. One thing they had in common: They were all the vision of perfection through the eyes of a man. “Society has a problem with female nudity when it is not . . . ”—Badu pauses to get her words together; she wants this point to be very clear—“. . . when it is not packaged for the consumption of male entertainment. Then it becomes confusing.”

(Source)

True enough, womanly beauty has always been depicted and painted and poetised and talked about in terms that would appeal to men. You'll argue that beauty's whole purpose is to appeal to and attract the opposite sex, for a whole lot of evolutionary reasons. And fine, I understand the whole science behind "attraction". But we have been so brainwashed by what "men" find attractive in women, that we, women, have forgotten what we find attractive in us. We have come to see woman's beauty only through the male perspective. We don't understand beauty any way else. And everything from hair shampoo to foot crack cream is sold with a promise that it would make us women beautiful to men.


Ask me and I would talk about a woman's slender neck. Those delicate shoulders, those striking collarbones, the hollows at the base of her throat, the foot arch. I love curvy feet or then shapely calves or even a beautiful navel.


Why aren't there any women artists, women poets, women writers, women sculptors showing us what feminine beauty means to them? Has no one ever found it necessary to find out what women find beautiful about themselves?


Is a woman beautiful only if men find her beautiful?

Chicken Wings and Pig's Feet...

My five top most regrets right now.

1) I wish I could sing. I even recorded my own voice once, and I was confident I mustn't sound THAT bad, ofcourse people were exaggerating and teasing me for fun, but I heard myself sing for 30 seconds and I knew I had many apologies to make.


2) I wish I could write. I want to write, like really write. I want to produce something beautiful, with words. Why? Cause what else is there to living? You need to make something beautiful(and no, babies are not allowed), that'll be the only way you can redeem yourself.


3) I wish I could paint. I know I try my hands at colours at times, and I doodle and stuff, but that's on the same level as a little boy pretending to shave his baby non-hair because he's so fascinated with his dad shaving every morning, and wants to be all manly and cool himself.


4) I wish I could bake. I want to bake. I want to bake. I want to bake. I want to eat cakes and feed people cakes. People who can bake, I kiss your feet. Teach me how to bake now. Thank you.


5) I wish I could stop thinking. No really. It's true. I think too much.

"There were silences in my head. I could abandon myself completely to the pleasure of multiple relationships, to the beauty of the day, to the joys of the day. It was as if a cancer in me had ceased gnawing me. The cancer of introspection."
— Anaïs Nin

How does it feel not to constantly think? Tell me.

Right, and I wish I could not regret at all. I think that is the answer to all my problems. Don't you agree?

A French Mistress...

What I thought was a bold move, I realise in the morning, was infact extreme cowardice.

I complain that destiny does not give me a choices. Now I do. And now I must choose.

And now I hate it.

Foibles...

Dear lord, when will all this end?! Can someone please invent a time machine? Please?

Opinionated...

Where did all my opinions go?

Wilting Ears...

Dear Universe,

Why is it so bloody(forgive me!) difficult to find a decent man who is also a thrilling conversationalist?! Why? WHY WHY WHY? Answer me this dear Universe!

Why can't I meet a guy who can talk about geography, literature, history, economics, finance, science, politics and any and every topic under the sky and above it? When I can, why can't I find another one like me? Find me a man with whom I can talk till our ears bleed and jaws hurt and till we pass out from sheer exhaustion of talking. Send me a man with whom my conversations are so unbelievably awesome and interesting that even unbelievable good sex is the last thing on our minds.

If such a man does exist, parcel him right away dear Universe, and I shall forever be indebted to you.


Yours (most) loquaciously,
A

We Are Here For A Reason...And It's Not Fun...

Having the nephew for 1 whole month has been quite a revelation, to put it mildly. Now that that one month is coming to an end, I can pretty much boast of being semi-qualified as a mother.

For the one whole month sister was here, she was on vacation (meaning she got to sleep for 5 hours at a stretch, poor thing), so it was all left to Dad and me to take care of the nephew. Nephew didn't take to mum a lot, so he pretty much stuck to dad's side or then mine.


So my repertoire includes bathing an one year old, feeding him, clothing him, changing his diapers, keeping him entertained for hours and though it still requires monumental effort to control my shrieks every time I feel something warm running down my legs, I am now also okay with things like baby pee and baby poop without puking. What else? I can even sing lullabies and put a kid to bed. Nice? Eh? And all this without having ever touched or even looked at a kid before. Would it be bragging if I said I was awesome?

No, right? I know, honestly, I deserve a medal!

(Which was duly gifted by sister in the form of payals. And I love them! I almost want to grab the first guy I see on the street and show him how beautiful and feminine my feet look with those colourful anklets and then feel all happy)


Moving on, I am also fully qualified as a hostess. I must have entertained atleast 5 dozen guests in the last one month whilst taking care of the nephew(Clearly, we are not a very sociable family). How awesome can I get? They should like make a new award for women like me!


But I hated every minute of it. Like really, now I know why women want to marry only rich men. Cause rich men can employ two dozen servants at home for all this entertaining business. All the hostess has to do is dress up and sit nicely and smile prettily at the guests and say, "ramu, memsaheb ke liye woh sherbet lana, aur baby ke liye woh lichee ice cream lana", and afterwards, when the party is over, all she has to do is remove the heavy jewellery and remove the pins from her hair and sigh wearily at her husband, who's rich remember?, and tell him how tiring all of it was and Mrs. Snooty-ass definitely wore a prettier diamond necklace. Like really, there's no cooking and washing plates in her life. I want to be a memsaheb too!


No surprise then, I have just postponed marriage by another 5 years and don't plan to have a kid. Unless someone pays me a few hundred lakhs to have a kid (which ain't happening).

Err, yes.

I cried the first day the nephew was here. Now, I am a very private person. I need my "me" time. I need loads of alone time. Which was like zero when the nephew was here. Usually, frustration comes out in two forms: loud, peppered with swear words yelling or then muffled sobs. Since the loud yelling would have woken up the nephew, I had to settle with the sobs. The first day I had to deal with a kid, it freaked me. I am, even now, after one month, can-pee-in-my-pants scared.

Motherhood is not easy.

Let me say it again, motherhood, is not easy. 

I said semi-qualified, cause motherhood is more than bathing and feeding a kid. It requires a whole different sort of sacrifice. A whole lot of patience. All women with kids are not mothers, some are just child bearers. It takes something much more to be a mother. You need true whole genuine love in your heart to be a good mother. Every woman should be scared of being a mother, cause it's a tough job. No demand is exaggerated, no sacrifice too big. Motherhood is not all toys and rainbows. At times you'll want to hate your own kid, but you can not. You can not disown your kid, or give him away one day you're tired and frustrated and under-slept and underfed and on saline cause you're so weak or even dying the very next day. You have to count to10, take a deep breath and paste a smile on your face and tell your kid something funny.


Married couples, please please spend atleast minimum two years with each other. Do not, really, do not rush to have kids. Your whole life, as you know it, will change once you have a kid. It will never be the same again, ever. Even after they, your kids, graduate from high school.


Enjoy your precious independent days. Stop hankering after marriage, those who are single. You know how you plan your day without a single thought for anyone else? That? That is gold. That freedom. Treasure it. Love it. Respect it. You'll miss it so much once you have a kid, but it'll never come back no matter how many times you say you miss your single days.


Having a kid means timing your loo breaks, means forgetting the idea of a full meal, means thinking atleast 10 times before going downstairs even, means thanking your stars if you get to sleep for 3 hours at stretch one fine day, means celebrating with canned juice if your kid sleeps without crying for one whole hour first, having a kid means no time for exercise, no time for looking good, being cut from the entire world, means no alone time ever with your spouse, and definitely, forget anything about sex once you have a kid. For one, your bodies, women, will be your worst nightmare. But you'll accept it anyway, cause every time you want to curse having a kid, you'll look at your baby looking at you with eyes full of hope and innocence and then she'll/he'll flash you her/his best smile and you'll say, its okay, I don't mind it, it gave me you. But yes, any man who sleeps with you post baby, tie him to your bed and never let him go, ever. And two, if you ever get any time, even like 20 mins alone, sleep! You can never bet when you'll get 20 whole uninterrupted minutes to sleep again.

Sex? Forget it.

Alrighty, I am off to make some watermelon juice for the nephew then. 

To Wish Or Not To Wish...

Dear God/Destiny/Universe,

It's fun getting things you want when you want them, not 1 year later, 2 years later or like in my case, 4 years later. Or is it my mistake? Should I be more specific in my prayers? Right. I'll remember to mention what I want and more importantly, when I want it, since you clearly dole out stuff as and when it pleases you:| Thank you nevertheless. I shall try to be happy.

Yours Grumpily

Where Angels Fear To Tread...

I can never understand how a guy can hit on a girl who is very good friends with his girlfriend. How he can be hopeful even! Like, baffles me. Do guys think all women are stupid enough to put up with such crap or easy enough to have a little thing on the side, without any complaint, cheerfully? 

Why I Hate Shahrukh Khan...

I officially hate you Shahrukh Khan! I hope KKR loses every single match in IPL4! Every single match! :|

We won't forget you Saurav Ganguly, never :( 

CherryBottoms...

As I stare at my image in the mirror, I look at my trim thighs and I realise how fleeting youth is.

And I must remember what I silently, in my mind, told the little fat girl jogging in the gym the other day. I must remember my words and often repeat them: "Run fatty run".

Another reason why I am scared of getting married. #StuffNightmaresAreMadeOf

*****
My maid's daughter, Sindhu, came home the other day and asked for some work. She washed the bathrooms and windows and took home 150 rupees. This work was apart from the "regular" work she does. So here's the thing: She wanted to go shopping with her friends. Asked her mother for some money. Mother refused. So she told her, "don't give me money. I'll go earn it." Very nice. She wanted to go to the market to buy junk jewellery with her friends. I realise, at her age(16), I had spent a cool 40K on shopping, in just 1 month, from the account dad had opened for me as a gift for passing the 10th boards. Which was, I agree, quite shameful of me. So I should not be condemning her behaviour, unlike me at her age, she is atleast earning the money she's spending. However, I do find her behaviour, somewhat worrisome.

Financial freedom comes with its set of dangers. And I fear, this easy money might go to her head. She is after all just 16 and illiterate.

Or am I being judgemental?

*****
I realise, I am at a historical point in my life. Years later, this is the moment I will look back at and wonder about the what ifs; what if I had taken the other road instead. For, I am at such a point, where the decision I take, and I must make one, will alter everything. Will influence the person I become. It will change my life, forever. This is an important time.

And you honeypuddle, you, you will remain unsaid.

*****
I often fear that I might just throw my mobile or ipod or whatever expensive thing out of the window. Like there's this strong impulse, and I need to quickly mentally reprimand myself for even thinking such a thing. What a ridiculous thing! Does it happen to anyone else? Or is it just me? 

Trees Are Tall...

Went for a walk the other day and came home with a nice ego massage. (For a moment I did feel that I had left my pants home or something.)

An aside, "Stay fit without being stared at", gymns could definitely use it as one of their marketing slogans!

Also, on my way back bought some almond oil and a couple of earrings from Fabindia. "Go jogging and come back shopping, typical chhokri", a guy friend said. Heh! Yes, typical chhokri indeed. So I have decided I won't be carrying my wallet after all.

*****
I have stopped fretting over my pics now. Really, it's useless. I mean, what the bloody hell! I stay fit and eat well and sleep on time and sleep all 8 hours that too, just for Munira's wedding! And then when the D-day comes, I am sleep-deprived, terribly hungover, extremely tired and then I have to pose for pics too! Arghhhh! It's not fair God, not fair!

And if the pics are so bad, one can only imagine the dance video! I actually danced for Munira's sangeet! Can anyone believe that?(Vodka is awesome!) Yes sir, like proper steps-walla dance, I did! That too on the stage! I did dance-dance to "Zor Ka Jhatka" from Action Replay. And from what I heard, I refuse to watch the video, I look quite adorable dancing and specially when I forget the dance steps and even more adorable when I trip! :|  Adorable is not an adjective any one can associate with me, no really, I am not being modest, so only thing is possible: they're laughing at me! Liars!


*****
I have realised I am a "phases" person. I have these no-fixed-length phases I go through from time to time. There are phases when I am extremely nice to people, phases when I am actually stupid (no, really!), phases when I am all witty and sassy and funny, phases when I am really depressed, phases when I hate the world ( this happens quite often), phases when I want to paint the town red, phases when I just want to sit at home and read or something, phases when I am all "Indian", phases when I am constantly talking and behaving like a phirang . And now I think my favourite phase is coming back, the one where I am mean and bitchy!

So yea, I don't owe you an explanation!

*****
But I am terribly bored of myself. I need some stupid people to make fun of! Hello Life, where are you hiding them?

*****
I miss my friends. It's always so much fun bitching with them :( Even when they're bitching about me.

*****
Fabindia's newest "dew plum" lip butter...not as yummy as the plum passion, but they could definitely use "Eat a smile" today tagline. I would totally buy it!

Erm, maybe marketing is not for me after all.

*****
This is by far the crappiest post I have written. But I have no regrets.

I am also trying my hand at fiction, practicing for a short story competition. Lalalala, hey! One can definitely dream! :|

And ooh, I have been looking at trees from my window(s) for so long now, that I forgot how tall trees can grow. As tall as a building. Or taller. Really.

Frog Pyjamas Are Exciting...

It seems that everyone is bored. Bored of what? Bored of many things. Bored of same things. Bored of life. Bored of waking up everyday, going through the same routine. Bored of being bored. Bored of being sad. Everyone's sad around. Everyone's looking. Everyone's bored of looking too. Looking for what? Looking for life.  Something that'll save them. Some think it's love that'll save them. Some think it's a new job, a new fuck, a new city, a new adventure, new friends, a new kitchen, a new waist, a new identity. It seems like everyone's stuck...in a rut...motherfucking rut. Trapped from all side. Everyone's smoking their own stale frustrated breath. Even if it takes a jump from the 18th floor of the office building that'll bring change...well...there are people ready to even do that. It seems the universe is angry with humankind...humans are never kind, sorry, human being...but they have stopped being too. They are just sleepwalking through life...waking up and sleeping back into darkness that resembles their waking hours. We are being punished for something. I don't know what. But we are being punished. And there's nothing left except this painful wait.