A Short Guide To Being Pathetic

Caveat: Writing this at odd 2:30 am, expect a lot of ranting.

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It's funny how you can still feel lonely even with a house full of people.

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All right, if I am going to rant, let me get straight to it: I am not happy right now. Nothing more to say there. I don't know why things have to be so complicated, always, why can't for once there be no drama and life went on without any hiccups?

I hate fights. I am not like A, who can fight and then not speak for days with someone. I always had issues with not talking with loved ones. It just makes me feel...not complete. Not right. So while I sit in the living room, staring at the ceiling, I realised I am unhappy and bored of life. And I am hoping to spot a ghost or two today. That's the only way I can add some excitement back in my life.

What with the movie Talassh (which I found a huge letdown), I am hoping my unhappiness levels are high enough for a few good souls to drop by for a cuppa.

And then again, I have not felt this wrong or dissatisfied with my body ever. Not only have I gained considerable weight, just bordering on "fat", but also, I have been falling ill every week, without fail. Sometimes, it's your everyday flu, something it's Vertigo, sometimes it's gastroenteritis sometimes it's something else. It's like everything is crashing on my head and my body is crumbling under it.

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Matrimony, a topic that has never gone down well with me, is looming larger these days. A little comfort that some of best friends are also unmarried yet, helps, but still, I need to take that step, what with the 28th approaching in 9 days and all that.

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Sigh, so what do I need right now? A ghost or two maybe, but also some discipline in life. For a person like me who needs to have everything orderly around her, my life's in most disorderly state right now and I am not very pleased with myself. There are things that give me happiness and help me keep going, but still, I am tired of your same old.

I want to have experiences now. The other day we played Jenga at a friend's place and you know, after a long time I enjoyed something. I screamed and laughed and got excited about something, even if it was just removing a piece of wooden block from a stack, and a bit drunk too. But I did.

That made me realise that we, as a generation, have forgotten the good old ways of having fun. These days all people do is either go to malls and spend the entire day there, with kids and all. Or then go to same old clubs and drink and dance to vacuous music and get wasted. How else can we have fun? Why has life become suck a fucking bore? Or is it just me?

The other day the bored me was on the way to work and I passed a garden, shabbily kept garden, but anyone in Mumbai would appreciate that there is open space in the first place! Anyway, there were 13-14 year old kids playing blindman's  bluff(?), a sight I hadn't seen in years! Maybe as I am growing older I am regressing, but I want to have plain old fun. I used to be such a happy kid. What happened to that happy girl?

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So, I want to have fun again, I want to feel alive again, I want to have experiences. I want to explore, I want to experiment, I want to learn and grow and laugh and discover, exhilarate and be thrilled and be amazed, hear sounds again and feel the colours pop. I want to listen and not just hear and I want to notice the details. And I want to look forward to living. I almost felt the old temptation of playing with knife and your wrist. Call me a coward, but sometimes you just don't want a break from life.


But no, I am not giving up, I am going to have goals and not just spend day after day doing nothing. I am going to paint again. And cook. I used to take pride in my cooking and it used to bring me such joy, I realise I have not cooked in months, in fact, I have not cooked since I shifted to Mumbai. And I am going to go out and meet new people and be sassy and fun and not a wimp or a needy little girl. And I am going to put things in the right box, cause that makes me happy, that brings peace to my mind, knowing there's order in my life. It makes me, perhaps, feel like I have some control on the way things are in my life and right now, it feels like I am just flowing with where the current takes me.


Everyday I look in the mirror, I am saddened, this person I have become, this is not me. I was never like this. I was so proud of myself, now I am full of excuses. I am tired of begging for scraps. I am tired of chasing and wanting. And I am tired of being disappointed. Of myself.

So it's December, my favourite month of the year and I have a plan. And I am going to make sure this plan does not remain just a plan. And so, if not ghosts, will Santa please show up?

Barely There...

Yes yes I am alive. Old, but alive.

To Wish Or Not To Wish...

Dear God/Destiny/Universe,

It's fun getting things you want when you want them, not 1 year later, 2 years later or like in my case, 4 years later. Or is it my mistake? Should I be more specific in my prayers? Right. I'll remember to mention what I want and more importantly, when I want it, since you clearly dole out stuff as and when it pleases you:| Thank you nevertheless. I shall try to be happy.

Yours Grumpily

Bye 2010...

Goodbye 2010. See you in 2011 now :)

The Night You Saved My Soul...

I have a wish for 2011. I hope I can have enough courage to express my emotions. To say exactly what I want to, to do exactly what I feel like, in "real life". Too much happiness is already lost for I was too scared to let me be. I was too scared to let the real me out. I wish I can find courage to be vulnerable. Courage enough to laugh, cry, hate and love, without restraint.

Caught In The Net...

So today was dedicated for Munira's wedding shopping and I bought two awesome sarees and I can't wait to flaunt them! :D Wheeeeeeeee! Okay so, one is baby pink and the other is in hot pink colour. Yes, I bought PINK sarees! :D Yay, yay, yay!


And like always I forgot about the details. Details like what you say? Well, I just realised that both the awesome sarees are made of net material, and well that's all fine. The real problem is that I have only 15 days left to get a liposuction. Or else everyone at Munira's wedding is going to get a full view of my awesome tummy. Yep. That's ofcourse, if she lets me enter the wedding hall in those sarees, in the first place.


Anyway, so when I told mom I am buying sarees for Munira's wedding instead of lengha's, she was more than happy. According to mothers, once a girl wears a saree, she's ready for marriage. I bought my first saree in 2004 for my sister's wedding. But my mom is still hopeful. What can I say?


You know it's only when you go to the markets, the real markets of India, do you realize how the not-so-well-off live and buy. Shopping in the malls has insulated us from the harsher realities that exist a few kilometers away from those malls. We buy in AC malls, with music and assistants to help you, and where you don't have to lug around heavy bags, you instead have carts or then bags with wheels that you can drag around.


But you buy from these markets and you realise, in that whole chaos which defines the Indian markets, how lucky you are.


And while we are on the topic of buying, I bought bananas on the way today. I mostly never bought any groceries (though I can bargain real well :D), dad or mom always did. I only bought the "gourmet" vegetables for the likes of pasta and pizza, that too from the gourmet shops, and so I went to the market like after a long time and good god! Bananas are 30 rupees a dozen? What the hell happened? Did all bananas go to heaven? And my favourite oranges? They're 100 rupees a dozen! Even a litre of petrol is cheaper! I remember buying them oranges at 40/- a dozen last winter. If someone like me finds 100 rupees a dozen for oranges costly, what do the poor eat?


And we girls really need to learn the art of saving from our mothers. I mean, look at us! We have regular incomes and good incomes for that matter and we never save anything. I don't know what happens to my money. It comes and goes. And I am like, erm, yes I have been working for 4 years now, what happened to all that money? I guess I need to open my wardrobe and look inside. Yes, I need to learn how to save from mother. Our stay-at-home moms never had regular incomes like we do, but still they managed to save so much, and we? We don't even know what happens to our money. Shameful.


And so it's decided. 2011 new year resolution is: Learn the art of saving. Yep. I'll be a rich woman someday.

At Last...

This is an end of an era.

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Time to close the chapter, turn the page

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The seas have calmed down, the mist has lifted

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So Goodbye to the nightmare that was last year, and hello to the dream that awaits me.