A Short Guide To Being Pathetic

Caveat: Writing this at odd 2:30 am, expect a lot of ranting.

*****
It's funny how you can still feel lonely even with a house full of people.

*****
All right, if I am going to rant, let me get straight to it: I am not happy right now. Nothing more to say there. I don't know why things have to be so complicated, always, why can't for once there be no drama and life went on without any hiccups?

I hate fights. I am not like A, who can fight and then not speak for days with someone. I always had issues with not talking with loved ones. It just makes me feel...not complete. Not right. So while I sit in the living room, staring at the ceiling, I realised I am unhappy and bored of life. And I am hoping to spot a ghost or two today. That's the only way I can add some excitement back in my life.

What with the movie Talassh (which I found a huge letdown), I am hoping my unhappiness levels are high enough for a few good souls to drop by for a cuppa.

And then again, I have not felt this wrong or dissatisfied with my body ever. Not only have I gained considerable weight, just bordering on "fat", but also, I have been falling ill every week, without fail. Sometimes, it's your everyday flu, something it's Vertigo, sometimes it's gastroenteritis sometimes it's something else. It's like everything is crashing on my head and my body is crumbling under it.

*****

Matrimony, a topic that has never gone down well with me, is looming larger these days. A little comfort that some of best friends are also unmarried yet, helps, but still, I need to take that step, what with the 28th approaching in 9 days and all that.

******

Sigh, so what do I need right now? A ghost or two maybe, but also some discipline in life. For a person like me who needs to have everything orderly around her, my life's in most disorderly state right now and I am not very pleased with myself. There are things that give me happiness and help me keep going, but still, I am tired of your same old.

I want to have experiences now. The other day we played Jenga at a friend's place and you know, after a long time I enjoyed something. I screamed and laughed and got excited about something, even if it was just removing a piece of wooden block from a stack, and a bit drunk too. But I did.

That made me realise that we, as a generation, have forgotten the good old ways of having fun. These days all people do is either go to malls and spend the entire day there, with kids and all. Or then go to same old clubs and drink and dance to vacuous music and get wasted. How else can we have fun? Why has life become suck a fucking bore? Or is it just me?

The other day the bored me was on the way to work and I passed a garden, shabbily kept garden, but anyone in Mumbai would appreciate that there is open space in the first place! Anyway, there were 13-14 year old kids playing blindman's  bluff(?), a sight I hadn't seen in years! Maybe as I am growing older I am regressing, but I want to have plain old fun. I used to be such a happy kid. What happened to that happy girl?

*****
So, I want to have fun again, I want to feel alive again, I want to have experiences. I want to explore, I want to experiment, I want to learn and grow and laugh and discover, exhilarate and be thrilled and be amazed, hear sounds again and feel the colours pop. I want to listen and not just hear and I want to notice the details. And I want to look forward to living. I almost felt the old temptation of playing with knife and your wrist. Call me a coward, but sometimes you just don't want a break from life.


But no, I am not giving up, I am going to have goals and not just spend day after day doing nothing. I am going to paint again. And cook. I used to take pride in my cooking and it used to bring me such joy, I realise I have not cooked in months, in fact, I have not cooked since I shifted to Mumbai. And I am going to go out and meet new people and be sassy and fun and not a wimp or a needy little girl. And I am going to put things in the right box, cause that makes me happy, that brings peace to my mind, knowing there's order in my life. It makes me, perhaps, feel like I have some control on the way things are in my life and right now, it feels like I am just flowing with where the current takes me.


Everyday I look in the mirror, I am saddened, this person I have become, this is not me. I was never like this. I was so proud of myself, now I am full of excuses. I am tired of begging for scraps. I am tired of chasing and wanting. And I am tired of being disappointed. Of myself.

So it's December, my favourite month of the year and I have a plan. And I am going to make sure this plan does not remain just a plan. And so, if not ghosts, will Santa please show up?

Where's My Gaurdian Angel?

You want a job, a vacation, heath insurance, validation, a back rub, a scalp massage at the place where you get your haircut, people who are jealous of you, an ex who won’t stop texting you when they’re drunk, Twitter followers, happiness maybe sorta, someone to buy you lunch at a fancy restaurant, a mentor who can tell you what the hell to do with your life, a reliable internet connection, a reliable human connection, a gift card to the grocery store, dinner parties with friends where everyone will pretend to have their crap together for just one night, a nice flirty text message to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life, for everyone to like you even if you don’t like anyone, and one of those nights that doesn’t end till 9 AM and reminds you what it feels like to be young and alive. Oh, and $$$. That’s all. Think you can get that for me?

From ThoughtCatalog: What 20-somethings want.


And this is what the ones approaching 30 want:

You want a career that makes you feel like you're doing something good with your life, not just some job that pays your bills, something really meaningful. You want a great mentor who'll guide you how to make more money while having that mythical work-life balance. You want to come home to loved ones. You want a happy family, lots of cousins, aunts and uncles, nephews and nieces. You want a happy marriage. You want to stay close to your parents and be closer to your in-laws. You want a partner who accepts and understands you and loves you. You want friends to stay closer to you, or atleast one plane-hop away. You want vacations. And you want travel. You want time to read important books and cook your favourite meals and you want time to do nothing. You want to learn something new every month if not every week. You want to be able to save handsomely for your retirement. You want a healthy body, a clear mind, soft skin and a head full of glossy hair. You want drunken nights out with friends and you want get-togethers where conversations go on till 9AM. You want reliable human connection and someone who'll make you laugh. You want a pet. You want to have your act together and not need any validation from outside. You want lots of energy to do all those things, to keep everyone around you happy and work towards your own happiness. You want to feel that the past was good, but the future is going to be better.

That’s all. Think you can get that for me?

Underpants For Miss Sussie...

I now realise why I have always loved the sea, why I always felt this pull.

'Cause it always listens. You don't need to say a word...all you need to do is just sit there, just be...and the sea takes in all your sorrows, your pain, and worries and drowns them in its vast blueness...it just accepts everything you throw in. No wonder then, every time I am close to the sea, I want to drown.

*****
Thanks to the mid-night conversation with a dear friend, I have decided I won't crib henceforth...a BIG resolution. It's going to be a little difficult sticking to this one...but I'mma gonna try (So many people around me are going to be happy! Heh).

And while I am at it, I am gonna throw in "Don't sweat about smaller stuff" too.

You can tell me how awesome I am already.

*****
I am now singing this.

If you watched the video too, thanks :) I feel much better now.

Where Did That Word Disappear?

Go on, I dare you. I can see you looking at me the way you are, just like that. What are you going to do with it then? Yes I’m challenging you; look at me standing here, I’m not budging, it’s your move. I’m an elven Liv Tyler steeling against a wraith—if you want me, you can come and claim me. I’m not even packing Hobbit over here, I’m just waiting casually for you to cross whatever obstacle you see in your path. See, I’m tired of touching your thigh just this way, or placing my hand over yours just so; I want you to romance me.

Now you know I’m not one for gender stereotypes, I’ve asked guys out in the past and I’ll do it again. I’ve paid for their drinks and their dinners and I don’t care. I’ve changed their light globes. I’ve been strong for them when they’ve been emotional. I don’t like it when people say women are so-and-so or men are so-and-so, but goddamn it I am tired of this realism. I don’t want to be politically correct any more, I just want you to romance me. I am empowered, educated, and aware, and now, just for a moment, I want to be the princess you think is worth slaying dragons over.

I want you, once you’re done awkwardly avoiding catching my eye, once you’re done pretending you don’t notice me, once you’re done with insecurely waiting for me to make the first move, to ask me out. I don’t want you to text me or email me. I want you to say it to my face. I want you say it in a moment that will catch me completely off guard, and I want you to stumble over your words and I want you to blush, and I want to do the exact same as I accept.

Or you could just skip all the formalities and just kiss me. When we’re laughing the way we do, you should just kiss me. It doesn’t need to be in the rain or with fireworks exploding in the background. It can be at the bar or in a crowded street or anywhere, I don’t care—just kiss me you fool. And let’s both be gleefully embarrassed afterwards and hold hands in silence for a moment while we both digest the euphoria of our first kiss.

I want you to not let anything stand in your way. I want you to come for me, to sweep me off my feet with a simple look. I want you to want me in this grand, clichéd way, but without doing any of those grand cliché things. We can just watch a movie and drink some wine, as long as you let me snuggle into your side while we do it. And then, because you listen to me when we’re talking and you’re getting to know me so well, I want you to let me have the last slice of pizza, or the last bite of cake (but I’ll insist that we share it anyway, because I’ll know you are romancing me).

You should be impulsive when you’re romancing me. You shouldn’t wait the requisite 3 days to call or text me, you should just do it when it hits you. When your desire for me, to see me, to smell me, to hear my voice is so compelling there’s nothing else for you to do. I want you to be constantly thinking about me, and to do innocuous little things that to me, are loaded with meaning because they reflect the ways in which you are learning me. I want you to be reckless and passionate and I want you to let me be reckless and passionate too. I want you to disengage your baggage for me, and I want you to romance me like you’ve never romanced before.

And when you’re romancing me, I want you to challenge me and argue with me about my opinions. I want you to romance me in this dangerous haphazard way which screams of imperfection—which makes everything all the more romantic, because it’s so wildly flawed, and present and LOUD. I want you to look at me like the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen when I’m at my worst, and I want you to embrace all the sides of me as you get to know them, as part of some ineffable creature you can’t untangle. I want you to romance me because when you think about it, you really can’t see any other way.

From, Thought Catalog.

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower...

"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time." — Stephen Chbosky

P.S: These were taken on the way to Dunnottar castle, Stonehaven, Scotland. I rarely, if ever, take photographs, but these, I love and treasure.

Crazy Stupid Love...

*Oh Goddddddddddddddd*

Can I say the word? On a public blog? No need right?

Ryan Gosling, sweetheart, will you please please please be my slave? I swear on the G-spot I will treat you with love and utmost (non)kindness and lots of chocolate and whipped cream.

Promise.

And oh no baby, it's not bothering me at all. Nope. Not one bit.

Yours Lustfully,
A

A Dying Girl...

There's no electricity at home. Didn't go to work. I am sitting on my bed, in an airless room, with Latika's theme playing on my laptop. Inverter gave up. But it's not so hot in here. But everything seems still. Even the breath I exhale seems to hang in the air much like the heavy gold-beige curtains in my room. I've shut the windows, essentially, to keep the heat out. But the dark, reflective film covered window panes cut out light and noise both. I feel alone and cut off from the world. And then suddenly, I am transported back to 2009. My train journey from London to Glasgow and then Glasgow to Aberdeen. I find myself by the window, in an A/C car, in a foreign country, and fields after green fields pass by me. Then a salty, frothy cold sea. Grey clouds. Sheep. Little houses.

I feel again the feeling of independence. A sense of achievement brings a smile. The feeling of being burdened drowns in the sea. All my worries melt. The feeling of being in love bobs on the sea of memories. I feel a bit sad now. I wonder if I'll ever feel love again.

That. That time. Those precious hours. That was pure unadulterated happiness I realise.

Every time I think of happiness, I think of a happy green grassy field. A huge field with a beautiful sky above. And I see myself running in the field (not the DDLJ type). But I am not a grown up in this picture. I am a girl dressed in a red frock. Sometimes it's a white long dress. With ribbons in my hair. And I am free. Unrestrained. That's my definition of happiness.

I think that image must say a lot about me. But I don't know what.

I am craving monsoons. Rains, I am missing you. Come.

Right at this minute, I feel age slip by. Time. It will never be back. It's an intense feeling. I wish I was a writer enough to put it in right words. It's a hard realisation. I want to run away from it, but I let it weigh down on me like a lover instead, I feel its every cell and every pore, so I can memorize its every detail. I am scared that I will not have more of those happy moments. The happiness I felt in that train. I can see life slip from my hands, much like sand in an hour glass. It's an desperate feeling. But I can't do much. It's an helpless feeling.

I want to run in that green grassy field with ribbons in my hair.

I want to feel raindrops slide down my cheeks.

I am craving happiness.

But at the same time, there's this feeling that something is about to happen. Something big. Something important.

I wait.

But does fate care enough?

I have an email in my inbox.

Bless The Broken Road...

A failed relationship...a mistake...being shunned by someone you love...death of a friendship...that feeling of loss...of helplessness...powerlessness...of wanting to reach out to someone but not being able to...of not knowing what to do or feel...that desperate wish of wanting to turn back time...what would you not give for that? I could sell my soul for it, that bad.

It's worse than the Chinese water torture some say, being in a place where the only thing you can feel is your skin being peeled from your body, the only sound you can hear is your soul screaming.

It's like being caged and at the same time watching yourself being seared to death..slowly but painfully.

Is there anything you can do? Well, let me tell you there's no saviour. You can't cut the bars, you can fight the hurt and you definitely can not turn back time or fast forward to a happier time....you have to go through it.

You have to watch yourself die and only then, can you find your escape.


*****


I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

26 Going On 30...

I am not a list person, I never in my life made a list. Impulsive people don't make lists!:) However, I realise, I have so many thoughts running inside my head, so many things I want to do and learn and know and achieve, it's difficult to keep a tab on everything.

So here's a list: 30 things I want to do before I turn 30.

Some are overlapping, some interlinked, but mostly, all are possible and achievable targets. Let me hang this up on a wall now.


1)Be at peace
2)Stop running, stop hiding, stop waiting, stop looking back(regret), stop hurting
3)Forgive
4)Meet people I would want to be like
5)Understand myself; and then love myself
6)Keep learning; do not stagnate
7)Stop seeking validation
8)Be surrounded by interesting, intelligent people
9)Have more interesting conversations
10)Learn how to write
11)Relearn words and emotions
12)Learn how to argue well
13)Bungee jumping & sky diving
14)Love and be open to love
15)Travel, travel and travel some more
16)Cook more, read more often, paint and make things
17)Have my own house with a garden
18)Have a career that makes me feel happy and fulfilled
19)Be self-sufficient
20)Have a healthy body, mind and heart
21)Understand finance
22)Reach a stage where I am not confused; be sure
23)Learn a new language (mostly French)
24)Learn to be calm; think before speak
25)Have a pet
26)Exercise daily
27)Laugh everyday
28)Stop getting angry; learn to be patient
29)Stop wanting
30)Stop thinking of dying


I reread the list and I realise, it's not about 'things' I want before I turn 30. The things list, I guess, would contain points like, "Own something from Audrey Hepburn's wardrobe". The above list is more of a "state" list. I want to reach a state, where I am happy to be at and hopefully, all those 30 things should help me reach there.

Eyes Open...

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

*****
What if we forget the past and meet again? Do you think we will be friends again? Will we pass each other like strangers on the subway, never to meet again? Or do you think, we will still feel the connection, even for a second?

Nine Cats...

What if I had many lives?

I'd be a writer in one life, sitting in the courtyard under the shade of a neem tree, I'd sip sweet tea and pen stories of you and me, of life. I would be a traveller in another. So many wonderful places I would see. Israel, Morocco and Canada. I'd travel to Mexico, Japan and Srilanka and Peru. I'd send you postcards from South Africa and Egypt, Brazil, Turkey, Cambodia and Jordan. And in another life I would be a farmer in Spain, and grow oranges and grapefruits and limes and lemons or even a farmer in Italy, and grow tomatoes and olives and nuts and peaches. In another, I would teach creative writing to the kids in Bhutan and I'd have a small but cozy house on the river bank. I would climb the mountains to touch the clouds often and Tiger's Nest would be my favourite hangout. In another life, I would be a wife of a good man and live in a white picket fence house with rambling roses and bougainvillea and I would pack lunch for my two kids and take the dogs for a walk in the evenings. I would be an artist in another. I would spend my days surrounded by colours and ideas and nights immersed in beauty. In another I would be running a company, sitting in my corner office with a glass view of the NewYork city, I would clinch another deal, another victory. In another, I would run my own beach-side restaurant and during the off season, I would swim in the blue seas and read under the coconut tree(not a good idea). In yet another, I would be a monk in Tibet, and find answers to my many questions. I would be a daddy's girl in another, shopping and eating and partying and coming back home at 4 in the morning and partying again in the evening.

And in each one, I would try to do a little good, to even out all the bad I did in another life.

But I don't have many lives. And so I endeavour to live all those many lives in this one life.

The Night You Saved My Soul...

I have a wish for 2011. I hope I can have enough courage to express my emotions. To say exactly what I want to, to do exactly what I feel like, in "real life". Too much happiness is already lost for I was too scared to let me be. I was too scared to let the real me out. I wish I can find courage to be vulnerable. Courage enough to laugh, cry, hate and love, without restraint.

From An Old Little Read Book...

How do I begin this? 44 years back I would not hesitate. Words would flow freely and emotions would tumble out readily. They were uncontrollable infact. But these days, emotions peek out from their closet first, look around and if they find everything to their liking, they make an appearance, otherwise, they lie in the darkness, dormant.


I am old now. My white hair will tell you that. I am proud of them infact. At my age, having a head full of hair is indeed a lucky thing. I feel lucky to be writing this too. But yes, I am old now. I never thought I would be writing this one day. Today.


She called today. I spoke to her after ages. We talked about the old times, the young times, the uncertain times, the times of much anticipation and possibility. The times when we were standing on the threshold, waiting but impatient, eager, wanting to jump over, run, move to the next phase of our lives. There was such excitement and mystery in those days. There were fears too, but there was also this immense hope that things will turn out okay 20, 30, 40 years later. We talked about all those hopes we had. All those dreams we had weaved. She's moving closer to me. I am happy. We will talk about old times and feel close again. We will have our lunches in the sun and watch our grandchildren play in front of us and we will feel blessed.


You know, looking back, we didn't realise what we had. We had our youth. We were young and restless. We wanted the world for us. Everything was possible. 'Cause we had nothing, we could have everything.


We are here she said. Yes, I told her. Did you dream about this day? No, I did not, I said.


No one dreams of being old you know. At 26, you dream of different things. Being old is not one of them. Old age seemed so far away at 26. Like a whole another world. 26 seems like a whole another world to me now. I look back at those young days and feel an immense sense of loss. An immense sense of sadness for the young girl that I was. I don't know why. Maybe it's the thing we all feel at this point in life. Maybe.


As a 26 year old woman I once wondered what old people dream about. At 26, she had her whole life ahead of her, her dreams could be bold, anything was possible for her. She was young.


Dreams are ever-evolving; this is what I have realised over the years. They are constantly changing. As a little girl I dreamed of having a fabulous career, as a woman my dreams were of having a wonderful family. A loving life-partner, smart happy kids, good friends, a good life. As an old woman, my dreams are different. I don't dream of conquering the world anymore. I dream of conquering the staircase now. So yes, I do dream too. But my dreams are bolder. And yes, I do hope for magical things, for anything to be possible. The quality of dreams doesn't change, just the content. At my age, I dream of seeing my children happy. I dream of sitting on the porch with him in the evenings and having our conversations, our never-ending conversations, for many many years to come. I dream of walking to my granddaughter's graduation ceremony. Of seeing her glow with youth and happiness. I dream of seeing her dreaming. I dream of telling her to dream her biggest, most impossible dreams and I dream of seeing her most audacious dreams come true. I dream of meeting my dear friends and having a good laugh about the old times. I dream of cooking my favourite food and having a house full of happy people, sharing their lives over a good meal. I dream of warm winters and cozy monsoons and bright summers. I dream of seeing a colourful garden in the backyard and feeling the same sense of possibility I felt 40 years back when I stood on top of one of the highest mountains on earth. I dream of living a few more years. That's bold now. Isn't it?


I know what you want to ask me. Did I get everything I wanted? Did I see all my dreams come true? The ones I dreamt 20, 30, 40 years back? Did I compromise?


What I will instead tell you, is that I found what I was looking for, looking all my life. I found it. And some more.


Mmmm...I love this time of year. There slight chill in the air and the aroma of a nice baked cake. And looks like someone's put on a kettle of my favourite tea. We humans don't satisfy easily, do we? But that's what keeps us going. I think I am going to dream of having that chocolate cake now. Oh yes, a chocolate cake! How does a lady celebrate her 70th birthday after all?

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas...

And, a multi-coloured bra. A yellow dress. A flatter stomach. A big bag of gold biscuits and erm, a 2-bedroom flat with a balcony in Andheri please.

Not Running Away...But Coming Closer

I want to go on a road-trip. Badly, badly, very badly. And this time I want it for a longer duration. I want to just roam around places, sights, drink in the local culture, observe daily life in a new place, talk to new people, people I don't normally interact with, listen to new sounds, breathe different air, walk new grounds and learn new lessons. And like last time, I won't be stupid enough to lug a heavy bag around (or make nice boys do it for me :( I feel quite terrible now), just a backpack. Lip-balm, a good suncreen, a pair of shorts/loose pajamas, two t-shirts and ofcourse good shades. And wind in my hair.



Bhagwan, please suno lo!

Feathers...

Alright, let's see what happens when I don't give a damn.


*****


I so badly*** want to do that! Take the car and just drive away to unknown places. And for company, I don't even want a Ranbir lookalike. Just smart and funny.

***I'll even cut my hair short. That bad!