The Deprived Goat...

And as I sat alone in my empty flat, away from home on a festive day, more to punish myself than anything else, I realised a couple of things about myself that I never knew. Sometimes I wonder if people, normal folks, go through this too. Discovering new things, new facets of their personality, as often as I do.


But anyway, coming back to the topic at hand, I grew up on a healthy dose of romance novels. I saw more romance movies than action movies (though I love action movies too). Come to think of it, I was always lost in the beautiful locales to notice what the heroine was saying to the hero in an oh-so whisper-y voice. And when M, exasperated, said, how can you not know? I was forced to take a good hard look at myself and accept that maybe, I am just not a romantic. That came as a shock to me. All my life I believed myself to be a romantic. Somewhere, I still think I am, but maybe I am a closet(whatever that means) romantic you know? Does that make me sad? It does. (No the closet bit, but not being able to weave poetry all the time and not knowing what to say and  more importantly, how to say it).


Women are supposed to be romantic, you know? They are supposed to be born with all tricks of the trade. Getting men to do their bidding is a cake walk for most women and I am always left with my jaw on the floor. How do they know what to say and how to say it? Like is there some class I missed as a teenager? I can flirt all right, but when it comes to the real thing, I am always left fumbling. I'll either say something entirely stupid and spoil the moment or just not know what to say and keep quiet.


So when someone says you have such beautiful eyes, I'll stare blankly at him and say okay. (I still don't what the correct response should be).


And although it does make me feel less like a woman, that's who I am. I am artless. I am stupid. And I am, most of the time, scared.


So, I give up. Maybe I really should go up in the Himalayas and learn how to chant and stuff.


P.S: Next time you want to get all romantic with me, get a list of responses you'd like in return. I am good at reading.

The Hand That Feeds...

Today Apeksha pinged and asked me if I was okay with her talking to S.


Apeksha and I were talking about my moving and then we were laughing about the movie KKKG, and about my role as "pooh" in final year play, and out of the blue, this. For a moment, I felt dizzy.


I know it was not very mature on my part to forbid my best friends from talking to S. But I did it anyway.


Here's the thing. If I love you, I would not hesitate to even wash your feet and drink that water, but when you're out of my life, I take everything away. If it was possible, I would even want to erase every single memory of me from the minds of people I oust from my life. I am extreme in my love and hate.


My friends are my family. And I was hurt and I was not okay with them talking to someone who has hurt me.


And, yes, I knew by asking Apeksha not to keep in touch with S, I was in a way hurting him. I knew it would affect him.


I knew it was a wrong thing to do. And my sweet girlfriends, except G of course(Who is also a sweetheart, but just more practical to give into something like this), agreed without a single why. They understood they said. I do have sweet friends, no?


So Apeksha, I am okay. He was your friend too. He's been a good friend to you. Yes, I still want to keep you with me and not have you talk to S. But I don't have that right, even as your best friend, I do not.



Things happen, fuck ups happen, people you love don't always love you back, you get hurt and you don't always do the right thing.


But it's not too late for me to do the right thing. I am sorry I kept you away from a friend.

The 7-Year Itch...

A friend recently broke up with his 7 year old gf, who's also my good friend. Two of my best friends are unsure about marriage, after being together for 7 years (You know who you are :)). Another couple I know split up after 7 years. I am sure there are many more such couples, who have decided not to tie the knot with their long term partners. I am trying hard not to be judgmental here, cause in all cases, the people involved are dear friends and I know they are smart and good-hearted people.


And yet, I don't understand the math here. If I was with a guy for 7 years, I'd be damn sure about wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. 7 years is just too much time wasted in deciding, too much invested with no returns. Let's accept it, a relationship demands a lot of you, emotionally, mentally, financially and physically. Quitting after 7 years, is like bad math to me.


I know H is assailed with guilt and remorse, he knows he has betrayed N, the girl who's now coping with no job and no love, but he still took the decision he did. Same with all of them.


I wanted to slap H and put some sense in his head. What has N not done for him? It was for anyone to see how much that girl loved him, and he is a fool to let go of someone who has put up with so much for him for the last 7 years. What's wrong with him I asked him. He said he's confused. That was like a joke to me. How can anyone be confused after 7 years of dating is beyond me. I don't understand it. I really don't.


It's not like they found someone else, it's not like they have suddenly changed, it's not even that they don't like each other any more...but still...baffles me.



At 27, our parents had built a fortune already, had a family with two kids, and were already saving up for their retirement.


What are we doing today?


Somewhere I think it is the "Hey, I can do better than this. I can get a better girl/guy", thinking that's causing these people to split up.


With the world becoming smaller each day, with easy access to grooming, with easy money, it is easy to find a mate. Or that's what these people think. I have done that and I can tell you that it is a very potent argument and it's not so easy to brush it off.


It's easy to imagine that perhaps your soul-mate is somewhere else, maybe sitting at that cafe, maybe you'll bump into him at your friend's birthday party, maybe you'll meet her in MBA school, or maybe just maybe, you think, your parents will be able to find you a better one. Perhaps a hotter girl or perhaps a richer guy. The unknown will always be desirable. After 7 years, the temptation to explore will be strong.


I don't know who is right and who is not. But all I have to say is this: You might find a hotter girl, you might find a richer guy, but finding good, honest-to-god love? It comes rarely. Don't let people who love you walk out of your life.

Snow Clad Mountains...

I find it confusing how men and women take months and years to say those three words to the woman/man they are in a relationship with. Like really, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and still no ata pata of "I love you"!


But you go have an arranged marriage, and lo! Your woman will confess how much she loves you, right on the first day of your honeymoon and your man will tell you he fell in love with you the very first day he saw you when you came through the kitchen with a tray of tea and biscuits in your hand.

Huh?


*****
A friend recently put up this status on Gtalk: "Sincerity is everything! If you learn to fake it...rest everything is easy".


And another one actually seems to be following the advice.


I wonder if it's really easy...I am sure happiness is not.


*****
Some days back I was travelling with two families, and one of the uncles asked us for names for their new dog. And everyone started with snowy, jenny, julie, tasha etc etc...you know the typical doggie names.


And I was about to suggest something on the similar lines and then I heard everyone and I stopped. Why do we always give Christian names to our pets?


I mean, most of them people treat their pets like their kids, so while we don't name our kids Freddie or George, or Patricia or Elizabeth, why our pets?


I think if I get a dog, I'll name him something Indian. Though I don't know what. Being the Anglophile that I am, I always thought I'd name my dog something like Shakespeare. But let's see, how does Chintu sound?


"Chintu come here!", "Chintu, jao newspaper leke aao!" and, "Chintu! Stop flirting with Betty!" Betty will obviously be the neighbour's dog who'll be eying my handsome dog.


Chintu sounds nice eh? I think till I find a new name, Chintu it is!


You know what, I think this naming business is quite fun! You should all send your dogs and kids to me for names. And I won't even charge you, promise!

Where Angels Fear To Tread...

I can never understand how a guy can hit on a girl who is very good friends with his girlfriend. How he can be hopeful even! Like, baffles me. Do guys think all women are stupid enough to put up with such crap or easy enough to have a little thing on the side, without any complaint, cheerfully? 

Few Seconds In The Light...

It's funny how we see a relationship in retrospect. How we see a relationship in terms of how it ended. How easily we forget the first impressions, the unsure start of a relationship, its beautiful journey to love, all the happy days, all the warm moments, its blossoming, how it was while it lasted.

Why do we always remember it in terms of how it ended? What do you remember of your loved ones?

How should one remember a relationship? I think that is a better question.

*****
I think silence, however golden, is sometimes overrated. There are times when keeping quiet will do you more harm. Sometimes, it's good to speak out, empty your heart of its buried emotions.

Miserable Letters...

Maybe all the signs, all the words, all the warnings...maybe it's all always there. Maybe when you're in love, you just build this mechanism, where you ignore anything the one you love says that would make you unhappy. Your brain just automatically filters out words that might hurt, and blindfolds you when actions that might trigger panic take place. Gestures that might alert you.'Cause you don't want it to end, you foolishly imagine that it would go away if you closed your eyes. And you go on about life, with love in your heart, in a non-thinking phase, floating through days, building your air castles. And then one day, crash.

And then your take on the role of a psychologist and analyse every small thing, every small detail and you exclaim, astonished, "But how did I not see all this?" And you realise, the signs, they were always there. All along. You were just too much in love to notice.

The Day The Words Weeped...

The wounds that last forever are not the ones caused by physical harm but by words uttered by a loved one.

Must remember henceforth to shut up when angry. 

Bless The Broken Road...

A failed relationship...a mistake...being shunned by someone you love...death of a friendship...that feeling of loss...of helplessness...powerlessness...of wanting to reach out to someone but not being able to...of not knowing what to do or feel...that desperate wish of wanting to turn back time...what would you not give for that? I could sell my soul for it, that bad.

It's worse than the Chinese water torture some say, being in a place where the only thing you can feel is your skin being peeled from your body, the only sound you can hear is your soul screaming.

It's like being caged and at the same time watching yourself being seared to death..slowly but painfully.

Is there anything you can do? Well, let me tell you there's no saviour. You can't cut the bars, you can fight the hurt and you definitely can not turn back time or fast forward to a happier time....you have to go through it.

You have to watch yourself die and only then, can you find your escape.


*****


I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

A Mouse, A Helmet And A Motorcycle...You Know What Else? A Camel!

Compulsive Confessor could not have put it better!

Rule number two, and one I’ve learnt the hard way. I’ve just come out of a pretty long, pretty serious relationship. Now, the problem with that is that you expect the next guy to pick up exactly where you and the old guy were when you broke up. Start at square one. Remember he’s not in love with you (yet). Remember he doesn’t know all your stories. Remember this is new territory, and you, even you, are a whole new person.

I have had more failure than successes and one of the main reason(Okay, fine, there were 200 main reasons!) has always been that I was stuck in the past. Well, one can't be entirely blamed. You are used to a certain person, a certain routine. You are so set in this life you have built, that it's hard to come out of it, harder even to see what you're doing-what you end up doing is essentially replace the old guy with a new guy, in the same old world.


I always thought I was same with everyone. I am not. With certain people, I feel safe enough to be myself, with a few, I am fake, with others I am guarded and controlled, but genuine. With a certain few, I am toned down and sobered down, essentially, not genuine not even fake (You get the worse deal rabbit). With a few, very few, I am weird and nuts and totally uninhibited (I think you'll love me like this, I like myself like this too).


You are a different person with each friend/colleague/acquaintance in your life. And if you think back, you were a different person with every guy you were with (or girl). Each love was different. You can not expect the same love! You have to let the new world unfold in its own time and in its own unique way. But you get into a new relationship, and you end up expecting same answers for your questions, you expect same gestures, same emotional responses, heck, you behave and talk the same way too! It's really stupid, but I believe it is something quite natural. You expect your new world to be the exact copy of the previous one. Cause you don't know anything else any more, you have forgotten any other way.


I think the solution to this is that you take time off. Don't get into a new relationship unless you have given yourself enough time to recover. "Enough" can vary from person to person, I normally take atleast a year(Yea I know!), a friend I know takes 2 months (How cool!). But never rush! You are going to end up hurting yourself and worse, the new person, who doesn't deserve the burden of your baggage. No one does. Not even you.


This is for a friend who wants to move on. Take time off. With love, you'll find old memories at every corner if you want to and aren't they just so painful? And what you end up doing is look for a band-aid. D, you're young and beautiful and smart and funny. And you deserve so much more! Take time off. Go see new places, meet new people, talk to strangers, read, cook new food, dance, sing...laugh. Do all that till you forget how your old world looked like. Then go out and make a new life.


Now if only someone had told me all this 5 years ago! :| 

Rooted...

Her incapability to deal with more than one relationship at a time was something I never understood. It was like she could entertain only one person at a time, all her energies focussed only on that one person, irrespective of how it affected other relationships in her life. Her Biggest failure was perhaps this.


In the days I spent living with her, I realised, there were many lessons to be learnt. The biggest perhaps was knowing how to deal with others.


Her second failure, which made things much worse for her, was her further inability to prioritize relationships. She was never able to judge which were more important and which not. Should one jeopardize one's close relationships for the inferior ones? Yes, sometimes it was okay to let a distant friend be upset if it meant keeping the important ones happy. Sometimes, it was okay to overlook the important one's mistake, sometimes it was okay to take sides even if the close one was in the wrong.


It was only after studying her that I completely understood the difference between what "one should do" and what "one must do". Right was after all an abstract concept. In relationships, atleast. She taught me, in failing to understand herself, that "appropriate" was right.


It was sad how she went about life with a relationship blindfold, with a rigid view of what was right and wrong, no matter who got hurt in the end. And this was why she was so unhappy.

Truth And Dare...

I have eaten enough grapes to make a barrel full of wine today and so I am going to use that as an excuse to totally write things I shouldn't be writing. But I do stupid things when drunk like drop cabbage in my dress and shout loudly, "There's cab in my tra, someone remove it". Or then refuse any assistance and go fall from the stairs and cry loudly much to the embarrassment of everyone. And nice friends console thinking I am crying over a guy, but in reality I am crying cause I have hurt my ass so bad, it's black-blue the next day, from the fall :|. Now that I have exhibited enough stupidity, let's play a game, shall we? Truth or Dare anyone? Oooooh, lookie! The bottle points at me! Awesome! Let's get started with it then. Without further ado, let me begin.

Are you ready then?

Okay. So it was a dark stormy night...and I was sitting by the window, my poor little window, and I wondered, like I always do. About what? What else do you think? About the only thing this blog has been hearing for the past 20 years or so (promise after this I will  write only about football, food, Laetitia Casta and maybe economics)

Anyway, heartbreaks and failed romantic relationships are a part of everyone's lives. And we always want things to work out but they don't and we are left to wonder why. If there's one word that has featured with unfailing regularity in my life, it is the word-Why (From the time I could speak, mum says, I always asked questions. Why this happens, why that happens, why I can't do that, why you can't do that, etc etc. (Yes, I have always been a pain). She had only one answer to my constant whys-I don't know. Smart her. And so, disappointed and angry I would decide to find the whys myself and I would find the answers too! Smart me too :)).


I am sure people spend much thought over why a certain friendship fails. A parent-child relationship? And I am sure many grey cells are used up pondering over why a romantic relationship failed. And I wondered too. And every time I thought, I blamed destiny. Maybe it wasn't meant to be I would say. Since we are playing truth or dare, the truth is that it isn't the truth. And I can't run away from the truth any longer. I need to face the truth and act on it. Trouble of being 26, you need to own upto things you don't want to. It's called growing up :| Anyway,  I can't be lying and cheating myself like this- by refusing to accept the truth and blaming destiny, blaming them, blaming my astrologer, blaming friends, blaming anything and everything, except myself-I need to put the blame where it belongs.


The truth is, I am scared of being in a relationship. I crave companionship and love and romance, as much as the next girl, but the minute I get close, I run away from it. I get claustrophobic. I go back and forth in my mind about wanting to be with this guy. Should I? Should I not? (Bloody nonsense!) The minute the guy shows any emotions (even supposed emotions), I freak out. Next course of action? I find flaws in him. I find reasons why things won't work. I find excuses to walk away. I look for anything that will give me a reason to run away. I just need one reason to walk away and I take it and I run with it. I walk away emotionally.


I have liked intelligent strong men. Who knew what they wanted, all along. Who were sure if they wanted to be with me, or not. It was me, who was never sure. It was me being indecisive. It was me, acting out and not wanting things and not appreciating when I had them and then crying when I didn't have them. It was me driving them to a point where they no longer were sure too.


Unnecessary drama and complication, friends will say. I agree, but at the root, it was fear acting out.


I remember heaving a sigh of relief when a certain relationship ended. And later I sat by the window and cried about it for days. Nay, months. I did the same with the next and okay, I am giving away the count now.


Thing about relationships is that it won't ever flourish, unless both people are ready to be honest with each other. Unless there's truth and trust. Unless there's transparency. I am ashamed to say, I have never been honest, in a way, that I have always kept myself aloof, hidden. I have never been vulnerable. I was too scared to be vulnerable. I don't think I ever did justice to any of those guys. Cause while they lay there bare, naked emotions and dreams, heart and mind, I heard and looked, but I hid myself cause I was so afraid.


I am not strong (unlike what friends think) or perfect (no one anyway thinks that) or even close to perfect (not even that). I am flawed, blemished and hurt and weak and sappy, extremely silly, confused, and really really scared. And I am a coward (And you'd never know it). Right now, being vulnerable is the hardest thing for me. But I need to be okay with being vulnerable. I need to be okay with being seen as flawed and imperfect. I need to stop being scared and evasive and, unemotional. Really! For the love of God, am I making this into a very trashy melodrama? Oh, who am I fooling! It's tougher than climbing the everest. Being Vulnerable. Cause I have never done it. Good lord!

But I guess, this is the first step toward me being vulnerable. It begins right here for me. I need to hit that publish button! :|

Alright, look, I don't like hogging all the limelight. Let's hear you talk now, okay starfruit? Humour me.


P.S: I am going to so regret eating grapes tomorrow morning.

P.S.S: Munira, I am so envious of you. You could always so easily be vulnerable.You always stood there fearless with your flaws, joked about them even, and you so easily shared your fears. You could so easily cry about your failures and I wouldn't shed one tear, lest I be seen weak. You could so easily talk about your shortcomings, about your imperfections, and that endeared you to me, to everyone I know. Even when you were so wrong, you never judged yourself. And I always envied you for that quality of yours. Never lose it. 

Eyes Open...

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

*****
What if we forget the past and meet again? Do you think we will be friends again? Will we pass each other like strangers on the subway, never to meet again? Or do you think, we will still feel the connection, even for a second?

A Lifetime Of Compromises...

The second thing that came to my mind, maybe "put into my mind" would be more appropriate, when I thought about arranged marriages was: Compromise.


And the more number of people I speak to, the more it appears that people have a really dim view of marriage, cause no matter who, everyone gives you only one suggestion: Compromise. And on a whole, it seems like a very depressing situation.


Compromises have to be made, I understand that. Which relationship does not include compromises? But why do you never hear your parents telling you, "beta, now that you will be going to college and making new friends, remember to compromise". You never hear that, do you? Why do friends never advice you to "compromise" in a relationship? For smallest of shortcomings, your gf's will tell you to leave the guy, but never compromise. Maybe cause in all other relationships, you have an exit. Not so in marriage. You're supposed to make it work, no matter what, compromise and stick around. Marriages are meant to be forever.



What I found really funny was that people enter marriage with a whole lot of pessimism. I can understand why everyone should be so scared. (It's funny we still go ahead and get married, humans I tell you!). There are so many bad examples around, that one can't help but think the worst. I know I am guilty of the same. So I can understand that, but what baffles me is that, even while thinking of a partner you choose to compromise with your wants and dreams.


I told M that I would really like to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves travelling (So we could both travel all the time). He looked at me as if I had gone mad, then laughed, then told me I was being silly. It's a stupid thing to look for in a marriage, said H. A didn't mock outright, she knew I was serious, but she looked at me, her hands gesturing her incredulity,  and calmly asked me, "do you think once you get busy in your married life, have kids and all, do you think you'll find time to travel at all? You'll be happy to even find a spare relaxing Sunday to chill at home, but travel?" And I actually wondered if I should look for aspects like a love for travelling and reading, something I feel are essential in my life partner. Were they really a "must-have"? Or was I being really short-sighted?


And then I remembered the times I was happy in 2010. The time when I actually touched clouds in Bhutan, not fog, clouds. When I climbed Tiger's Nest. It was a tiring journey, but one look at the view from the top was enough to melt away all tiredness like snow on a sunny afternoon...the view was just beyond words. And I was so happy to be there. I felt so lucky to be there. And at peace. Like anything was possible. Then how proud I was when I went all the way, alone, to Mysore, made new friends, walked my way to museums and palaces and Udipi Restaurants. How excited I was, travelling through Hyderabad in an auto rickshaw, to be discovering a new city. And how adventurous when I roamed the markets of Amritsar in a cycle auto rickshaw, so much fun eating parathans and lassis and haggling over phulkari dupattas, like generations of Punjabi women must have done -you see, a got to live a slice of someone else's life(and that too the good bits), a life I had only read and heard about -what could be more precious? And how lucky I felt to be sitting on the steps of the sacred pool and watching the Golden Temple transform into a mesmerizing beauty at 5am in the morning, with a gorgeous orange in the background, golden shimmery water everywhere and the sound of early morning bird song...I felt I was in heaven. And I realised, the only time I was happy in 2010 was when I was travelling...discovering new places, new people, new food, new language...a new world.


I remember growing up wanting to travel places. I remember telling myself as a child that if one day I come across a Genie and if I get to make one wish, I should first ask for 100 wishes, but if I am not allowed to, then I should ask for a chance to travel the world.


Do I still think it's a frivolous thing? I turned to books, cause I couldn't travel to Spain myself, and Egypt and England, but I could atleast read about them. I know what they wear and eat and sing in Italy and France and Scotland and Australia, not because I travelled there, but because I read about them, and in my head, atleast, I have seen all those places. Should I then compromise on something that makes me truly happy?


"Agreed", M said. "But then let's say, you get married to a travel writer and you're happy for the first couple of years and one day while rock climbing he falls down and breaks his leg. He's paralyzed forever. What would you do then?" I was just stumped for a moment. It's like saying, don't venture out on the streets cause people are dying! Why should you compromise even before you actually need to compromise?

I don't understand. Shouldn't we be compromising in short term relationships, cuase they anyway won't last a long time and you can always just walk away. And shouldn't we, when looking for a long term relationship, try to seek one where compromises, atleast not a plenty many, will not be needed?


And what will really happen if you compromise? You give up on things you want and settle for something else, something easily obtainable. But then what? Do dreams just die like that? I don't know, I think they might just hide, pull themselves back and hide in some corner and sulk and sulk and sulk. And the day you find a way to fulfil those wants and dreams, they're going to wake up and shake things up and your pretty little house is going to fall apart.


When I go to my local library, there's a whole section for romance novels, and at first I thought many teenage girls would be taking those books home. What I instead observed over the years, was that not teenagers, but married women read romance novels the most. Women, who have immersed themselves in the mundaneness of their lives, settled into domesticity,  they seek to live the dreams they gave up through these novels. That aunty who is now married with kids, who settled for a finance guy, she lives the life she wanted, through someone's else story, through someone else's life. Is she truly happy? I think she'll say yes. But deep down, she has squashed her dreams and prepared herself for the kind of life she has. She has learnt to live with compromises, with someone more suitable. But deep down, she wants something else, perhaps someone else, she knows she can never get. Some people don't see anything wrong with it. I do.


It's natural, that when you don't find what you're looking for in one place, you'll try to seek it somewhere else.  If you don't find everything that makes you happy in your spouse, it's very probable that you'll seek it in someone else. Unknowingly. Sometimes knowingly. Extra marital affairs anyone?


I have compromised too. And what I have realized is that compromises are tricky. You are happy compromising as long as things are going according to the plan. The minute they go awry, you start complaining how and how much you compromised. The bitterness creeps in, the dislike shows. The name-calling starts. And like help, compromises mean zilch, once you mention it. The minute you point out how many compromises you've made, that sandcastle you so painstakingly erected, gets washed away with the waves your words create.


So yea, maybe an ordinary girl like me can't expect to meet Mr.Perfect, but surely, I can hope to find Mr.Perfect-For-Me? And I promise, I'll compromise if I find him, but only if he promises to take me to ***Egypt first.



***I remember we were watching some travel show featuring Egypt and I sighed and oohed, and fascinated with it all, I said to my sister, "If I ever get to go back in time, I'll want to go back to the time of these Egyptian kings and queens." And my dearest sister said, "Do you think you'd go back to the era as a "queen" huh? You'd probably be one of those common Egyptian citizens, probably even a manual labourer and look, life for them was so hard, building all those pyramids and what not. I wouldn't want to be them!" Sigh, yes, she was always the more practical one. And I was always living in my head! :|

The Naked Soul...

Everyone wants that love marriage, where you meet "the one", your soul mate and then decide to get married cause you can not stay away from each other, no never, and so you tie the knot that will keep you together always, forever, la-la-la. And having found the love of one's life, one imagines oneself in a red Mercedes convertible driving into a brilliant sunset, with one's hair flying in the wind (and maybe one can surely add a flimsy Audrey Hepburn-esque scarf flying in the wind for added aesthetics.) How romantic and all that one thinks. On the other hand, no one desires an arranged marriage, for it is so cold, for that's how it appears, very cold and very businesslike. Where you meet random people, decide to get to know each other over a cup of chai/coffee and then talk over phone and if you're lucky meet in person to dissect the other's character and coldly weigh his/her "value" and if he/she fits the bill, get married. But something similar happens in love marriages. You meet a random person, maybe at a party, maybe in college, maybe at work and decide to talk and then maybe get to know each other over a cup of coffee and then blah blah...you know the deal. Yet, we look at arranged marriages with such trepidation, and love marriages with our rose-tinted glasses. I wonder why such unfair treatment?

Probably because in a love marriage, you know the person well enough(get to know in "biblical sense" too?) and you know for sure that this is what you want, this is who you want to be with. In an arranged marriage, how well can you really get to know the other person during the courtship period?

The first thing that went through my mind when I thought about arranged marriages was-sex. I can be all modest and choose to ignore it, but it's an important aspect of a romantic relationship and I have seen couples break up, after 2 years, cause the girl wasn't ready to commit fully or the guy was no good. Physical compatibility is as important as emotional and intellectual compatibility and while you can judge a person's emotional nature and find out if you both match intellectually by talking to them and spending time with them, there's no sure way of knowing if you'll click in the bedroom department as well, unless you actually give it a shot. Which surely can not happen in an arranged marriage (You can't be kissing every guy your parents/friends approve!). So essentially you enter into an arranged marriage with your fingers crossed, hoping that you both will be great together. Definitely loads of luck and some divine intervention I thought.


After talking to a lot of people, it seemed like, yes, it was one of the main drawbacks of an arranged marriage. A colleague from work is in the process of getting a divorce 'cause apparently the guy had some problem. Another one is getting a divorce after two years cause the guy still refuses to do it with her. A friend's friend has got a divorce 'cause the guy refused to even get near her. And when my best friend got married, I did wonder if she would be comfortable doing it on her first night. Wouldn't it be weird, I thought, to get intimate with someone with whom you've never been intimate, at all? And say if you do get intimate and find out that it was a total dud and then what? What a damper that would be! And you're stuck now, cause you're married! ***


And so I told H about my doubts. And what he said made much sense, atleast to me, though I think I have yet to fully figure this thing out. Physical attraction is a tricky thing. You can never know. A friend recently told me that she had the most awesome time with a fat guy, and she never ever even dreamt of going anywhere near a fat, sloppily dressed guy. Forget a fat guy, I feel zilch attraction toward even some of the good-looking, impeccably dressed guys. I was looking for some kind of pattern that I can trust to guide me. But can you really know? Can you ever guess who can take you on a ride in the clouds and who will leave you staring at the ceiling? What however, one has noticed is that physical attraction comes when you like the person, really like the person. Physical intimacy comes when there's emotional intimacy.

I remember a guy friend once told me, I loosely paraphrase, to seduce a woman touch not her skin, but her mind. When I look back, I realize, the guys I have strongly been attracted to, physically, I have most definitely been very very strongly attracted to their minds. I remember liking a guy, who, what shall I say, wasn't exactly James Dean in the looks department, but I loved him, cause I was so seduced by his mind. Which also explains why I just can not bring myself to like this another guy, who's is physically great looking and all that but I don't remember ever going "wow" while talking to him. "Yawn" most of the time.


So there, I am still confused, but maybe one doesn't need to worry all that much about the sparks and chemistry and getting to know your partner in the biblical sense before tying the knot. Our parents, after all, did have babies, no? I guess then, strong physical attraction will be there if you like that person and are emotionally and intellectually compatible.


***Same could hold true for other qualities as well. Really that girl who comes carrying the tray, all shy and coy and salwaar-clad, do you really think she's all shy and coy and wears salwar-kameez all the time? Or for that matter, I always wonder, what would be a right response to your husband's "Have you had sex before"? If you say no, you make him happy, and you hopefully live a happy romantic married life. If you say yes, brace yourself for a barrage of questions, loads of insecurity and a possibility that it might ruin your chances of a happy romantic married life. I always wonder what guys would prefer to hear. Would they prefer to hear a no, never knowing if she was lying or being truthful, believing the best and forgetting about it or would they be okay, truly okay with hearing the truth. I know most guys will say, "I would rather you be honest with me and tell me the truth", but I wonder, deep down, if they'll really be ever okay.

An Honest Word...

So much to think about, so much to talk about, so much to write about...so much!:)

But just one lesson: Don't be scared to expect the best.

*****
It hurts, I feel very very sad, but the truth is that you have left my world. And the one person with whom I could share my sadness has left me too.

*****
And no matter what happens, no matter what fucking happens, a woman never forgets that one guy she truly loved. She still weeps in the dark, sobs in the arms of her best friend and she still thinks about him, everyday. Everyday.

*****
Why do you want to get married he asked. We hated each other. But we were talking now and I would be lying if I said I did not like it much. He is against marriage. Never wants to get married. I looked at him, him trying really hard to sound confident and look all nonchalant. You know the "I am a stud and I can bang 50 chicks at even 40, why do I need marriage" look? He had one. And he looked good with it too.

Companionship I said. I want someone to share my life with. I am lonely.

He made some joke out of it and started digressing. Changed the topic, I let him. But just for one second, just for one second, before the shutters came down, I saw his vulnerable side. He was as lonely and as scared.

Somewhere, yes, it felt good.

*****
Don't ignore the one who has it, to make the one who does not have it feel good. The one who has it, probably needs some loving too.

An Ugly...

A part of me loved you because you made me feel like I was a good person. Something I have struggled with all my life. And you did it with such ease, reassure me. Few words, a smile, a look, that's all it took.


Just A Perfect Day,
Drink Sangria In The Park,
And Then Later, When It Gets Dark,
We Go Home.
Just A Perfect Day,
Feed Animals In The Zoo
Then Later, A Movie, Too,
And Then Home.

Oh It's Such A Perfect Day,
I'm Glad I Spent It With You.
Oh Such A Perfect Day,
You Just Keep Me Hanging On,
You Just Keep Me Hanging On.

Just A Perfect Day,
Problems All Left Alone,
Weekenders On Our Own.
It's Such Fun.
Just A Perfect Day,
You Made Me Forget Myself.
I Thought I Was Someone Else,
Someone Good.

Oh It's Such A Perfect Day,
I'm Glad I Spent It With You.
Oh Such A Perfect Day,
You Just Keep Me Hanging On,
You Just Keep Me Hanging On.

You're Going To Reap Just What You Sow,
You're Going To Reap Just What You Sow,
You're Going To Reap Just What You Sow,
You're Going To Reap Just What You Sow...

A Butterfly Heart...

Either our dreams come true or then we find reasons to be okay with them not coming true. I guess, it's a way of consoling oneself. But nevertheless, a very good way.



You and me will be lying side by side...
Forever, forever...
Underneath this adolescent sky...
Together, together...
And you will hold my heart inside your hand...
And you'll be the one, the one to tell me...

Oh, we've got a long, long way to go...
To get there, we'll get there...
But oh, if there's one thing that we know...
It's that we will not grow old...

I made you swear that our hearts will never die...
No never, no never...
Cause no one seems to believe that we can fly...
Forget them, forget them...
Oh, you told me...

Oh, we've got a long, long way to go...
To get there, yeah we'll get there...
But oh, if there's one thing that we know...
It's that we will not grow old...

We've got a long, long way to go...
To get there, we'll get there...
But oh, if there's one thing that we know...
It's that we will not grow old...

Oh, how could we know that day, it came with age...
That oh, the feeling would fade...

Oh, we've got a long, long way to go...
To get there, we'll get there...
But, oh, if there's one thing that we know...
It's that we will not grow old...

Oh, we've got a long, long way to go...
To get there, yeah we'll get there...
But, oh, if there's one thing that we know...
It's that we will not grow old...

No, we will not grow old...
We won't grow old...
No, no, we will not grow old...
No, we will not grow old...
We will not grow old...

Tik-Tok...

I oscillate between hope and despair like...like the way only I can.

*****
And I should totally write a book now-"How not to screw up at 26". I think there will be many takers, no?

*****
Everybody telling me to get married because I am 26 now and time is slipping by, quit it. Cause I am not quitting on my dreams, however irrational they may be.

And if nothing, I can always be the favourite aunt your kids would visit during their summer holidays. I could read to them and tell them all sorts of wonderful stories, and I could bake the best chocolate cake for them and I could teach the girls to garden and knit and play the piano and I could teach the boys how to impress the ladies. See? Your kids will love me.

Erm, alright, maybe not.

*****
There's no place harsher for a woman than women's loo. From the second she enters the loo, till the time she leaves, she is put under the microscope. Right from her hair to the colour of her toenail paint, everything is judged. She has no respite from the overcritical and unrelenting appraisal and the opinions that follow. Nothing is verbally said, not oh-so-loud atleast, but opinions are conveyed none the less.


I don't think two women staring into the same mirror can ever be friends. They'll smile at each other and chat about the latest mascara in the market, but as soon as one turns her back, the other will snigger. Ah, it is a bad bad place to be.


Funny then, that women should spend so much time in the loo.

*****
And I find it funnier that men all the world will miss their breakfast or skip lunch and the woman will find herself forcing him to eat. "You didn't eat lunch?!" *gasp* "You must eat something now! Why can't you ever take care of your health! blah-blah-blah! You always skip your breakfast as well! some more blah-blah-blah". And the guy will simply say, "I didn't feel like eating/I didn't get time, was busy/ I picked up a coke on the way/Stop fussing", and then the woman will get furious and further insist he eat.


Yours truly has done it. Sometimes I cringe and sometimes I feel it's justified. And I find it hypocritical of me that although I, myself, have missed meals several times, on several occasions, the woman in me just can not see anyone else hungry.


But *sigh*, I need to stop mothering. If you don't want to eat, well, stay hungry, let's talk about sex instead.

The Red Bell...

Was talking to M the other day, about marriage and stuff and he told me, "Make two lists. What you absolutely want in your partner and what you absolutely do not want."

It took me all these years to realize that when it comes to friends, we look for what "perfections" they have. Here  perfections is not one whole state, but little things that we like, can relate to, can understand. They have the attributes that are "perfect" for you, in your mind. But when it comes to a partner, a spouse, a lover, we see not the perfections, but stress more on the imperfections. What are the imperfections I can live with? It is somehow more important that the person I intend to spend the rest of my life has the imperfections I can tolerate, no matter how many other perfections he has.

Even if he has all the qualities in my "Want list", if he has more than 3 qualities from my "Do not want" list, I guess he's gets a strike against his name.


I find this amusing. Either we are really stupid or very smart. I don't know which.