I Never Feel Earthquakes...

Do you remember back in the 90's the biggest problem men had when it came to dating was that talking to women scared the daylights out of them men? I remembering coming across a dozen articles everyday where someone had a brilliant advice how to break the ice-which usually was go-fucking-TALK-to-them. These days those articles have disappeared. We don't need them anymore, we now have the Internet.

*****
When I think about AB, I always remember the curt reply he gave me when I asked him if the Microprocessor lecture was cancelled; "apparently", was all he said and walked away like I was some lowly creature and he some God. He acted like one. At least that is what we all thought and hated him for it. He was one of those college topper boys and had an air about him that made people feel awe or hatred about him. As for me, I found him weird. And when Apeksha lost a bet, I asked her to go ask AB out for some Pineapple Milk**. She did and he said a "No" that sounded more like "In your dreams woman". (Appppuu! I am gonna meet you soon!!!!Yay! :) Baby! And we'll dance to the Pungi song! Fun times await.  Unless I die in a plane crash first :| )

Okay back to AB, I ran to the classroom, the ever late me, and true enough, the lecture was cancelled. And that's all the interaction I ever had with AB back in engineering college. Apart from throwing paper planes at him in the class when we got really bored and mean.

We graduated and went our different ways. Then one day Orkut came with the chat feature. Everyone on your Orkut list was added to your chat list on Gtalk. And suddenly, AB and I were chatting.

Today, not only do we chat regularly(I know, sorry for being tardy lately) and I must feature in his very small "girl friends" list, but also, I have come to understand him for the person he is and AB, sorry for throwing paper plans at you back in college :( You've been a darling of a friend, and one who's been always so, so practical! He's my "give-practical-unbiased" advice guy.


The whole point of this exercise was to tell you that the WWW has been really awesome, in bringing people together. I know so many awesome people, people I have never met, but yet who feature daily in my life, thanks to the WWW.

When I told my friends I was travelling alone all the way to Mysore to attend a friend's wedding, a friend I had known only on the Internet, every one of my friends thought I was crazy. But anyone who's been on the blogger and twitter has such friends and knows it's anything but crazy.


**We had the Aarey milk factory close to college which used to be one of our usual hangouts and the pineapple milk....simply yum!

*****
But as always, we have taken a good thing and turned it into a bad thing. In spite of having 1000 friends on FB, a thousand followers on Twitter, we are lonely and bored.


Boredom and loneliness is a problem today cause we choose to hide. And the WWW has given us that too. We choose to be lazy. We have lowered our standards and we are happy with it, cause not hiding and actually going and talking to people in person takes efforts, it means you can't be something you're not, you stand a chance of exposing your true self and you have to be vulnerable. It means we can go on pretending to be super humans in the online world and the real world doesn't matter anymore, cause look how many friends I have on FB! You can tweet about having a good time on twitter and post pictures you clicked last night with Katrina Kaif, but how many know that you're lonely? The WWW has given us that, a chance to be what we're not.


But why should we want to be something that we're not? Why are we so afraid? What do we have to hide? We have our BB busy status and we have the notorious invisible status on Gtalk. We have learnt to hide behind our FB walls and code life in our sly tweets. In a country of 1.2 billion people if you're lonely and bored, then the problem should be in you, no?


All you have to do is look up from your screen and at the people around you. So many interesting people, so many wonderful conversations await you. So many wonderful memories wilt and die, tired of waiting. I have a friend who's always busy on his BB, while I sit playing with my soup. I wonder if he'll miss these times when I waited for him and he was busy talking to people on his BB. And I see that happening everywhere. People enter clubs and restaurant in packs and then spread out in corners busy on their BB's. What's the POINT people? Retards.


When there's a person in flesh sitting from across you and you choose to talk to a machine instead, what times sweet lord! This is how these machines will take over us and this will be written as the beginning of the end of the human race. No, wait, I am not being dramatic here. You'll see! If you survive the talking-robot attack, that is.


*****
I am so exhausted that even the thought that today is the first day of my vacation doesn't excite me. Well, I still have to finish loads of work and pack!

But sigh, first travel of the year. God! I want more of these!!! I want more friends! I want to travel MORE! Argghh.

And God, if I don't get it in this life, I'll die and crib so much to you in heaven that you'll be forced to send me back to earth with the most awesome bunch of friends and loads and loads of awesome travel! Choose!

*****
And I am tired, I give up. Once I meet her, I am going to prostrate in front of her and tell her it's all in her hands now. She has to decide whether to revive or kill it. I am, tired.

*****
I want you to come and fold me into you arms and just let me be. Hold me tight and make me forget everything else. I am waiting, waiting, waiting :| Dude!

*****
I dreamt about you yesterday. You had written to me and you were telling me you were having some problems but now things are getting back on the track and you seemed happy writing to me, like you were not mad at me anymore. How are you sweetheart? Are you really so mad at me that you won't even talk to me?

You seemed happy in the dream. I hope you're so in real life too. I miss you, my Tarot lady.

*****
Look up from that screen and you'll notice the bare hill in front of your window, the blanket of purple flowers has disappeared and the wild grass has now turned brown, that summer has arrived and that it's time to go out and make new friends.


And while we're at it, I want to dance to this song with my new friends.

And I want to lie on grass under the midnight sky and listen to this song.

Unseen...

You know, I never realised how awesome it was to have you around in the same office at T. Everytime there was something I needed to talk about, all I had to do was get up and walk over to your desk and you were there. I still sometimes get up from my desk here and imagine walking to your desk, the one next to the cafeteria. I see you wearing your white woolen jacket and your black-rimmed funky specs. I imagine you looking up from your laptop at me, and I imagine saying, "Munira, guess what happened". I miss you. So damn much. Why did you have to get married? :( They say you're happier when you stay close to your friends. I am unhappy. Call me to the US too. I'll come.

Jazbaat...

There will be that conversation you’ve been putting off for as long as you’ve known you’ve needed to have it. There will be those words that you’ve rehearsed over and over–in your car, in front of your mirror, in your bed in total darkness while staring at your ceiling–that tumble out of your mouth inelegantly, tripping over each other to make it out just so you can get this over with. There will be that ugly ball of thoughts that hangs in front of you, the thick, opaque cloud of words that formed in between you, through which you cannot breathe. There will be that moment where you try and scoot away, wanting to disown everything you’ve just said, ready to scream at the top of your lungs just to cut the silence.

And there will be that moment, that brutally delayed moment, where they respond with a shrug, a sigh, a casual dismissal of all that you just implied. They will demonstrate with unintentional precision just how uninvolved they are, how little they have emotionally invested, just how very little this has all mattered to them. There will be the moment you struggle to physically scoop up every humiliating statement you made and all their brutal implications and cram them, hurriedly, back in your mouth. You’ll fight back tears as your cheeks fill, blotchy and red, like a veteran alcoholic. You’ll linger on the cusp of wailing, of running in any direction until your lungs ache–but you won’t. You’ll shrug and vaguely shake your head, pitifully mumbling something along the lines of, “Oh, of course…right. No, no, that’s cool.”

But it will pass.

And everything else too...it always does.

A Woman Named Drown...

It was hot, as it always is in Mumbai, and we were all back at our hotel after watching No One Killed Jessica. I was in my room, everyone had gone back to theirs, getting ready for the evening. We were supposed to be at Munira's reception venue by 7pm and it was already 5pm. Anjali and I shared one room, Apeksha and Mandy were in the other room. I was sitting on one of the beds, and I could hear Anjali in the bathroom. I was done with my bath, and I should have been getting up and getting ready, we were already late, but I just sat there on the bed in my towel, listening to sound of running shower. Absorbing the sound, her presence. Just the fact that she was around. I felt good. I felt calm. I felt...safe, loved.

I am missing them all today, my people.

I wish I could fly. I wish I could go sit next to them, not talk, not do anything. Just sit next to them, absorb their energies, be around them, feel their presence. And once in a while, have them look up at me and smile. Just that. Not more. Just that.

The Girl With Smiles...

Divya,

I can't write beautiful poems like you do, but I just wanted to say this: You always wanted to help people, save someone, and you should know that you have already, atleast one, by way of your friendship. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for always being so strong and courageous and kind and in turn being an inspiration for me. Thank you, for just being.

Wish you love, happiness, success, good friendships, health, wealth and peace.

Happy birthday :)


Love,
A

The Hand That Feeds...

Today Apeksha pinged and asked me if I was okay with her talking to S.


Apeksha and I were talking about my moving and then we were laughing about the movie KKKG, and about my role as "pooh" in final year play, and out of the blue, this. For a moment, I felt dizzy.


I know it was not very mature on my part to forbid my best friends from talking to S. But I did it anyway.


Here's the thing. If I love you, I would not hesitate to even wash your feet and drink that water, but when you're out of my life, I take everything away. If it was possible, I would even want to erase every single memory of me from the minds of people I oust from my life. I am extreme in my love and hate.


My friends are my family. And I was hurt and I was not okay with them talking to someone who has hurt me.


And, yes, I knew by asking Apeksha not to keep in touch with S, I was in a way hurting him. I knew it would affect him.


I knew it was a wrong thing to do. And my sweet girlfriends, except G of course(Who is also a sweetheart, but just more practical to give into something like this), agreed without a single why. They understood they said. I do have sweet friends, no?


So Apeksha, I am okay. He was your friend too. He's been a good friend to you. Yes, I still want to keep you with me and not have you talk to S. But I don't have that right, even as your best friend, I do not.



Things happen, fuck ups happen, people you love don't always love you back, you get hurt and you don't always do the right thing.


But it's not too late for me to do the right thing. I am sorry I kept you away from a friend.

White...

U know whenever I think of u, I remember the 7th, when I was totally pissed n ignoring u, n u like a true friend still stuck to my side. I'm sorry :(  (though I still wish u guys wud hve been there for da ceremonies) but still...muaaahh 

Waise I dreamt of u yday .. it was like I was leaving n my mom tells u to meet her even after I'm gone, n u start crying n leave. :(  

Come here!

Love,
Munira

Miss you :(

Wrinkles...

Dear Friend,

I was very angry with you. But not anymore. I realise, the incidents that happened in the past few months, broke something between us. I never thought I would not feel hurt, or be ok with this loss. But, I guess, it must be the age. The thing is, after I realised we were no more the same, I did not have the energy and you didn't seem to have the time (maybe even the inclination) to repair things between us. I shouldn't be harsh on you. Perhaps, you never realised things between us are broken. But even so, I have in my heart let you go. I don't think about you anymore and what's happening in your life, and I don't find myself angry at you for not including me in your life anymore. At one time I would have called you and been very angry at you for being left out from your life like this. No updates? Don't call me ever again I would have yelled. But I do pray that  wherever you are, you are good and that whatever is happening in your life, it brings you happiness. I had hoped for great things for our friendship. I wanted to be a "forever" friend to you :) It's sad that it will not be so. And maybe one day if we meet, I am sure we shall be happy to see each other again, and we'll have hundred and one questions to ask each other and we'll look at each other fondly and wonder...what happened, all the while knowing what happened. And maybe even, if we don't speak for very long now, we might call each other and ask how we are doing. You have been a good friend to me, even when I did not really deserve your kindness. Thank you. It was really good knowing you.


Much love.

A Lemon Tree Grew Between Them...

Friendship is not about just lending an ear, but also, sharing your miseries and joys.

It's a two way street. You can't always just give, you have to also need the other person. 

Chaff & Grain...

"But Oh! The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearless on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."
— Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

An Ode...

You might not be with me now, but I am not without you. I am always carrying you all with me. I am made up of all those I loved and all those who loved me-friends. The part of me that thinks twice before speaking now, that part belongs to you. The part of me that reminds me to try harder every time I hit a low, that belongs to you. The one that makes me yearn for love, ever-lasting happy love, that belongs to you. The part that makes me feel good about myself, that belongs to you. The part of me that's strong and confident, that belongs to you. The part of me that reminds me to be silly, that belongs to you. The one that makes me want to be my best, that belongs to you. The part of me that loves, that too, belongs to you. The part of me that's fun, that belong to you. The part of me that has learned to compromise, sacrifice, be unselfish, that belongs to you.


I am made up of all these you's, people who have come into my life, loved me and given me something I will always cherish:Friendship.They've become a part of me. And the best parts of me, they belong to them-Friends.

Eyes Open...

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

*****
What if we forget the past and meet again? Do you think we will be friends again? Will we pass each other like strangers on the subway, never to meet again? Or do you think, we will still feel the connection, even for a second?

An Honest Word...

So much to think about, so much to talk about, so much to write about...so much!:)

But just one lesson: Don't be scared to expect the best.

*****
It hurts, I feel very very sad, but the truth is that you have left my world. And the one person with whom I could share my sadness has left me too.

*****
And no matter what happens, no matter what fucking happens, a woman never forgets that one guy she truly loved. She still weeps in the dark, sobs in the arms of her best friend and she still thinks about him, everyday. Everyday.

*****
Why do you want to get married he asked. We hated each other. But we were talking now and I would be lying if I said I did not like it much. He is against marriage. Never wants to get married. I looked at him, him trying really hard to sound confident and look all nonchalant. You know the "I am a stud and I can bang 50 chicks at even 40, why do I need marriage" look? He had one. And he looked good with it too.

Companionship I said. I want someone to share my life with. I am lonely.

He made some joke out of it and started digressing. Changed the topic, I let him. But just for one second, just for one second, before the shutters came down, I saw his vulnerable side. He was as lonely and as scared.

Somewhere, yes, it felt good.

*****
Don't ignore the one who has it, to make the one who does not have it feel good. The one who has it, probably needs some loving too.

Sealink...

They had changed so much, and yet they were just the same.

"The Yellow Sundress"

This just made my birthday special. Thank you Divya! :)
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To A, for her birthday, for 26 years of amazing existence and here is to more amazing moments in life! --Divya 

"The Yellow Sundress"

I met her through a common saint

we both know very well,

too small for 24 then, and still tiny for 26 now,

she spoke of wild roses and scottish highlands

and her love for shoes and men.

She writes the way she speaks

of imprinted emotions, engraved gestures,

strange ways of love and lovers,

the joy of flight, the struggle of fight

the chime of beautiful little dreams,

what I read was familiar,

what I felt was similar.

Is it possible that we might have

shared a common existence in

the yesteryears of fate and destiny?

Perhaps, tucked away in history’s archives,

we were friends, sisters, daughters or

deadly sins from the Holy Testament?

Our tales and battles

of heartbreak and struggles

of longing, lingering ambitions

Vulnerable children of heaven

Both strong, determined and women

of this century of modernity.

We’ve clashed like armies

in the battlefield of perspectives

yet I feel and I know you are the

sweetest product of serendipity

and if all words fail to describe

your essence and presence

in this world of utter chaos,

Your portrait in the museum of living will

be that of adorned tresses,

with lilies from the valley, a sweet scent

of frangipani emanating from the

nape of your neck, and I see you

immersed in your favourite book,

lost in the warmth of a cup of tea

and the stunning, brilliant vision of

sun rays entering your heart of hearts

and the whole wide world celebrating-You. 


For what you are and for what you will be.

And watching you- smile, radiantly,

with the the crown of joy

firmly on your head- in

what only you can wear best

- the yellow sundress.

An Ugly...

A part of me loved you because you made me feel like I was a good person. Something I have struggled with all my life. And you did it with such ease, reassure me. Few words, a smile, a look, that's all it took.


Just A Perfect Day,
Drink Sangria In The Park,
And Then Later, When It Gets Dark,
We Go Home.
Just A Perfect Day,
Feed Animals In The Zoo
Then Later, A Movie, Too,
And Then Home.

Oh It's Such A Perfect Day,
I'm Glad I Spent It With You.
Oh Such A Perfect Day,
You Just Keep Me Hanging On,
You Just Keep Me Hanging On.

Just A Perfect Day,
Problems All Left Alone,
Weekenders On Our Own.
It's Such Fun.
Just A Perfect Day,
You Made Me Forget Myself.
I Thought I Was Someone Else,
Someone Good.

Oh It's Such A Perfect Day,
I'm Glad I Spent It With You.
Oh Such A Perfect Day,
You Just Keep Me Hanging On,
You Just Keep Me Hanging On.

You're Going To Reap Just What You Sow,
You're Going To Reap Just What You Sow,
You're Going To Reap Just What You Sow,
You're Going To Reap Just What You Sow...

A Butterfly Heart...

Either our dreams come true or then we find reasons to be okay with them not coming true. I guess, it's a way of consoling oneself. But nevertheless, a very good way.



You and me will be lying side by side...
Forever, forever...
Underneath this adolescent sky...
Together, together...
And you will hold my heart inside your hand...
And you'll be the one, the one to tell me...

Oh, we've got a long, long way to go...
To get there, we'll get there...
But oh, if there's one thing that we know...
It's that we will not grow old...

I made you swear that our hearts will never die...
No never, no never...
Cause no one seems to believe that we can fly...
Forget them, forget them...
Oh, you told me...

Oh, we've got a long, long way to go...
To get there, yeah we'll get there...
But oh, if there's one thing that we know...
It's that we will not grow old...

We've got a long, long way to go...
To get there, we'll get there...
But oh, if there's one thing that we know...
It's that we will not grow old...

Oh, how could we know that day, it came with age...
That oh, the feeling would fade...

Oh, we've got a long, long way to go...
To get there, we'll get there...
But, oh, if there's one thing that we know...
It's that we will not grow old...

Oh, we've got a long, long way to go...
To get there, yeah we'll get there...
But, oh, if there's one thing that we know...
It's that we will not grow old...

No, we will not grow old...
We won't grow old...
No, no, we will not grow old...
No, we will not grow old...
We will not grow old...

A Marigold...

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

--Friedrich Nietzsche

Unsent Letters...

I think I fell a little in love with you when you read that story to me in the bus. No one has ever read to me. And you reading that story to me, in Hindi, it is without a doubt one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. And the memory of it still makes me smile.


(Inspired from this. Do read.)

A Message...

This broke my heart


and this.


Do check out One Hello World. What a wonderful idea!