There was a phase when I used to collect smart retorts or witty insults from all over the web. While it's true, that I can dish it out but can't take it, I'll make a concession if you manage to make the insult a witty one. Call me a bimbo, but say it in such a fashion that I'd be forced to laugh with you (and maybe even quote you). But such wit is ofcourse rare.
Though not entirely related, this article on Hollywood movie critics, The Poison Quill of Hollywood, reminded me of the "Greatest Retort" collection I had saved somewhere in my Gmail.
And isn't it sad that no one in Bollywood has the guts nor wit to write a good funny honest review? Sigh, and so we must suffer movies like Tees Maar Khan (where I literally cried).
Moving on, also found this in my archives:Hard Road To Travel. A brilliant read about Mumbai's autowalla's. Do read. One of the few essays I read without checking my Gmail/Facebook constantly.
I remember I was supposed to write an essay for some job I was applying to, and the essay question was: What Indian business do you think has the potential to go global?or Indian product...or an idea?
And I remember Parth had suggested I write about the TATA Nano.
Well, looks like a failed marketing strategy, a major roadblock (read: the manufacturing plant) and ofcourse not enough damage control (read the burning car incident) has reduced my essay to rubbish (which it anyway was). No Takers: Is the Tata Nano Running Out of Gas? A good read on how the Nano went wrong. Sigh, and so much potential it had too.
*****
(A few of my favourite retorts)
Truman Capote was fond of regaling people with an anecdote about one of his finer moments. At the height of his popularity, he was drinking one evening with friends in a crowded Key West bar. Nearby sat a couple, both inebriated. The woman recognized Capote, walked over to his table, and gushingly asked him to autograph a paper napkin. The woman's husband, angry at his wife's display of interest in another man, staggered over to Capote's table and assumed an intimidating position directly in front of the diminutive writer. He then proceeded to unzip his trousers and, in Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment." As he did this, he bellowed in a drunken slur, "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?" It was a tense moment, and a hush fell over the room. The silence was a blessing, for it allowed all those within earshot to hear Capote's soft, high-pitched voice deliver the perfect emasculating reply:
"I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."
***
After a long day of shooting a film in Hollywood, John Barrymore and some fellow actors stopped in at Lucey's, a popular watering hole near Paramount Studios. After one-too-many drinks, Barrymore excused himself to go to the bathroom. In his slightly inebriated condition, however, he inadvertently chose the ladies' room. As he was relieving himself, a woman entered and was shocked to see a man urinating into one of the toilets. "How dare you!" she exclaimed, "This is for ladies!" The actor turned toward the woman, organ in hand, and resonantly said in full actor's voice:
"And so, madam, is this."
***
Nancy Astor was an American socialite who married into an English branch of the wealthy Astor family (she holds the distinction of being the first woman to be seated in Parliament). At a 1912 dinner party in Blenheim Palace--the Churchill family estate--Lady Astor became annoyed at an inebriated Winston Churchill, who was pontificating on some topic. Unable to take any more, she finally blurted out, "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." Without missing a beat, Churchill replied:
"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
***
In a profession noted for windbags, the 30th U. S. President Calvin Coolidge was a politician of very few words, well deserving the nickname, "Silent Cal" (he once said, "I've never been hurt by something I didn't say"). Coolidge's taciturn style frustrated the many people around him who felt a man of his stature should be more talkative. At a White House dinner one evening, a female guest sidled up to the President and whispered in his ear, "You must talk to me, Mr. President. I made a bet today that I could get more than two words out of you." Coolidge whispered back:
"You lose."
***
Perhaps the most celebrated retort in the history of wit occurred in a famous exchange between two 18th century political rivals, John Montagu, also known as the Earl of Sandwich, and the reformist politician, John Wilkes. During a heated argument, Montagu scowled at Wilkes and said derisively, "Upon my soul, Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die upon the gallows, or of syphilis" (some versions of the story say "a vile disease" and others "the pox"). Unfazed, Wilkes came back with what many people regard as the greatest retort of all time:
"That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles, or your mistress."
Though not entirely related, this article on Hollywood movie critics, The Poison Quill of Hollywood, reminded me of the "Greatest Retort" collection I had saved somewhere in my Gmail.
And isn't it sad that no one in Bollywood has the guts nor wit to write a good funny honest review? Sigh, and so we must suffer movies like Tees Maar Khan (where I literally cried).
Moving on, also found this in my archives:Hard Road To Travel. A brilliant read about Mumbai's autowalla's. Do read. One of the few essays I read without checking my Gmail/Facebook constantly.
I remember I was supposed to write an essay for some job I was applying to, and the essay question was: What Indian business do you think has the potential to go global?or Indian product...or an idea?
And I remember Parth had suggested I write about the TATA Nano.
Well, looks like a failed marketing strategy, a major roadblock (read: the manufacturing plant) and ofcourse not enough damage control (read the burning car incident) has reduced my essay to rubbish (which it anyway was). No Takers: Is the Tata Nano Running Out of Gas? A good read on how the Nano went wrong. Sigh, and so much potential it had too.
*****
(A few of my favourite retorts)
Truman Capote was fond of regaling people with an anecdote about one of his finer moments. At the height of his popularity, he was drinking one evening with friends in a crowded Key West bar. Nearby sat a couple, both inebriated. The woman recognized Capote, walked over to his table, and gushingly asked him to autograph a paper napkin. The woman's husband, angry at his wife's display of interest in another man, staggered over to Capote's table and assumed an intimidating position directly in front of the diminutive writer. He then proceeded to unzip his trousers and, in Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment." As he did this, he bellowed in a drunken slur, "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?" It was a tense moment, and a hush fell over the room. The silence was a blessing, for it allowed all those within earshot to hear Capote's soft, high-pitched voice deliver the perfect emasculating reply:
"I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."
***
After a long day of shooting a film in Hollywood, John Barrymore and some fellow actors stopped in at Lucey's, a popular watering hole near Paramount Studios. After one-too-many drinks, Barrymore excused himself to go to the bathroom. In his slightly inebriated condition, however, he inadvertently chose the ladies' room. As he was relieving himself, a woman entered and was shocked to see a man urinating into one of the toilets. "How dare you!" she exclaimed, "This is for ladies!" The actor turned toward the woman, organ in hand, and resonantly said in full actor's voice:
"And so, madam, is this."
***
Nancy Astor was an American socialite who married into an English branch of the wealthy Astor family (she holds the distinction of being the first woman to be seated in Parliament). At a 1912 dinner party in Blenheim Palace--the Churchill family estate--Lady Astor became annoyed at an inebriated Winston Churchill, who was pontificating on some topic. Unable to take any more, she finally blurted out, "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." Without missing a beat, Churchill replied:
"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
***
In a profession noted for windbags, the 30th U. S. President Calvin Coolidge was a politician of very few words, well deserving the nickname, "Silent Cal" (he once said, "I've never been hurt by something I didn't say"). Coolidge's taciturn style frustrated the many people around him who felt a man of his stature should be more talkative. At a White House dinner one evening, a female guest sidled up to the President and whispered in his ear, "You must talk to me, Mr. President. I made a bet today that I could get more than two words out of you." Coolidge whispered back:
"You lose."
***
Perhaps the most celebrated retort in the history of wit occurred in a famous exchange between two 18th century political rivals, John Montagu, also known as the Earl of Sandwich, and the reformist politician, John Wilkes. During a heated argument, Montagu scowled at Wilkes and said derisively, "Upon my soul, Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die upon the gallows, or of syphilis" (some versions of the story say "a vile disease" and others "the pox"). Unfazed, Wilkes came back with what many people regard as the greatest retort of all time:
"That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles, or your mistress."
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