A Life Called Grace...

"We cannot transform our lives, unless we allow them to be transformed by that stroke of grace. It happens; or it does not happen. And certainly it does not happen if we try to force it upon ourselves, just as it shall not happen so long as we think, in our self-complacency, that we have no need of it.  

Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life. It strikes us when we feel that our separation is deeper than usual, because we have violated another life, a life which we loved, or from which we were estranged. It strikes us when our disgust for our own being, our indifference, our weakness, our hostility, and our lack of direction and composure have become intolerable to us. It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection of life does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage.

Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything; do not perform anything; do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted!" If that happens to us, we experience grace. After such an experience we may not be better than before, and we may not believe more than before. But everything is transformed. In that moment, grace conquers sin, and reconciliation bridges the gulf of estrangement. And nothing is demanded of this experience, no religious or moral or intellectual presupposition, nothing but acceptance."

From The Shaking of the Foundations by Paul Tillich

Waterbirds...

Still dreaming of the thicketed field
Salty marsh fed by the tidal stream
Look down the flush
Sleeping deep in the brush
The night brings the hush
I can hear the current
Hidden by the knees of the cyprus trees
The insects chirping underneath the leaves
When you kiss me, you really kiss me
Tell me how can you resist me
Did we ever reveal?
This is all that we need
Did we ever reveal?
This is all that we need

Dogfight...

Life, you are cruel. You toss me left and right and you call it my destiny. You take away things I hold dear, and you ask me to lose my fears. You take my loved ones, and you ask me to let go. You shatter my dreams and tell me to start again. You laugh at me and ask me to wipe my tears. You ask me to give in to my destiny, meekly. But you forgot what you made me. You made me a rebel. Have I ever done what you wanted me to do? Have I ever done what they wanted me to do? You take everything from me but you can't take this fight from me. So yea, I'll humour you this time too. I'll fight for what's mine. You take away my dreams and I'll take them back from you.

*****
The hardest thing in life is forgetting what you were, what you once had, how you once felt.

And starting again. With a new you.

After all, a new war requires a new strategy.

An Ode...

You might not be with me now, but I am not without you. I am always carrying you all with me. I am made up of all those I loved and all those who loved me-friends. The part of me that thinks twice before speaking now, that part belongs to you. The part of me that reminds me to try harder every time I hit a low, that belongs to you. The one that makes me yearn for love, ever-lasting happy love, that belongs to you. The part that makes me feel good about myself, that belongs to you. The part of me that's strong and confident, that belongs to you. The part of me that reminds me to be silly, that belongs to you. The one that makes me want to be my best, that belongs to you. The part of me that loves, that too, belongs to you. The part of me that's fun, that belong to you. The part of me that has learned to compromise, sacrifice, be unselfish, that belongs to you.


I am made up of all these you's, people who have come into my life, loved me and given me something I will always cherish:Friendship.They've become a part of me. And the best parts of me, they belong to them-Friends.

A Lost World...

I remember I must have been in the 6th grade and I was visiting my cousin brother, who was practising for that evening's concert. And like always, he sang for me and asked me how I liked it. Ofcourse, back then I never understood classical music (I don't understand it even now). I was more into the English boy-bands like all girls my age. But I liked listening to him, he did sing well. And I remember he paused after a stanza, smiled at me and told me, "When you hear classical Hindustani music, you move your head, you close your eyes and unbeknownst to you, your head sways. When you hear English music, you tap your feet." Do you see the difference? Classical music deserved the crown, while English pop music's place was at your feet.



And it's really sad that, we(today's generation) have neither the appreciation nor respect for our own music. And what music it is! If you see the stats for Pandit Bhimsen Joshi's Bangari Mori, you'll see it's popular with 34-64 year old males. That's bad now, isn't it? No 21 year old boys? No 26 year old girls? I feel it's left to us, our generation, to keep our music alive, to take it forward. To keep it alive by listening to it. But none of us have even heard of these maestros. And worse still, we don't have any inclination to listen to them. We instead listen to Justin Beibers and Lady Gaga( I am guilty of the same, not Beiber though!).

I wonder if our children will ever know of these maestros. I wonder if they'll ever hear Hindustani classical  music. I hope they do. And unlike us, I hope, they learn to appreciate it.

Perpetually Yours...

I remember a friend once asked me if I would ever like a guy who is a perfect and all, speaks excellent Hindi but speaks bad English. And I remember answering in negative.

Now I am no Chaucer's daughter, infact, I more often than not look up grammar rules online and my pronunciations can be terrible at times. So, I shouldn't be ideally pointing finger at other people and I tried liking someone other than Shakespeare. But no, really, I can not. I can not like a guy who says, "I was hurted last night by your comments." Or, "Still fired?". He meant, "Are you still mad at me".

And I can't even be friends, BFF kind of friend, with someone who says, "It's not hare, it's there." Or, "It didn't worked".

My answer remains the same. No.

Truth And Dare...

I have eaten enough grapes to make a barrel full of wine today and so I am going to use that as an excuse to totally write things I shouldn't be writing. But I do stupid things when drunk like drop cabbage in my dress and shout loudly, "There's cab in my tra, someone remove it". Or then refuse any assistance and go fall from the stairs and cry loudly much to the embarrassment of everyone. And nice friends console thinking I am crying over a guy, but in reality I am crying cause I have hurt my ass so bad, it's black-blue the next day, from the fall :|. Now that I have exhibited enough stupidity, let's play a game, shall we? Truth or Dare anyone? Oooooh, lookie! The bottle points at me! Awesome! Let's get started with it then. Without further ado, let me begin.

Are you ready then?

Okay. So it was a dark stormy night...and I was sitting by the window, my poor little window, and I wondered, like I always do. About what? What else do you think? About the only thing this blog has been hearing for the past 20 years or so (promise after this I will  write only about football, food, Laetitia Casta and maybe economics)

Anyway, heartbreaks and failed romantic relationships are a part of everyone's lives. And we always want things to work out but they don't and we are left to wonder why. If there's one word that has featured with unfailing regularity in my life, it is the word-Why (From the time I could speak, mum says, I always asked questions. Why this happens, why that happens, why I can't do that, why you can't do that, etc etc. (Yes, I have always been a pain). She had only one answer to my constant whys-I don't know. Smart her. And so, disappointed and angry I would decide to find the whys myself and I would find the answers too! Smart me too :)).


I am sure people spend much thought over why a certain friendship fails. A parent-child relationship? And I am sure many grey cells are used up pondering over why a romantic relationship failed. And I wondered too. And every time I thought, I blamed destiny. Maybe it wasn't meant to be I would say. Since we are playing truth or dare, the truth is that it isn't the truth. And I can't run away from the truth any longer. I need to face the truth and act on it. Trouble of being 26, you need to own upto things you don't want to. It's called growing up :| Anyway,  I can't be lying and cheating myself like this- by refusing to accept the truth and blaming destiny, blaming them, blaming my astrologer, blaming friends, blaming anything and everything, except myself-I need to put the blame where it belongs.


The truth is, I am scared of being in a relationship. I crave companionship and love and romance, as much as the next girl, but the minute I get close, I run away from it. I get claustrophobic. I go back and forth in my mind about wanting to be with this guy. Should I? Should I not? (Bloody nonsense!) The minute the guy shows any emotions (even supposed emotions), I freak out. Next course of action? I find flaws in him. I find reasons why things won't work. I find excuses to walk away. I look for anything that will give me a reason to run away. I just need one reason to walk away and I take it and I run with it. I walk away emotionally.


I have liked intelligent strong men. Who knew what they wanted, all along. Who were sure if they wanted to be with me, or not. It was me, who was never sure. It was me being indecisive. It was me, acting out and not wanting things and not appreciating when I had them and then crying when I didn't have them. It was me driving them to a point where they no longer were sure too.


Unnecessary drama and complication, friends will say. I agree, but at the root, it was fear acting out.


I remember heaving a sigh of relief when a certain relationship ended. And later I sat by the window and cried about it for days. Nay, months. I did the same with the next and okay, I am giving away the count now.


Thing about relationships is that it won't ever flourish, unless both people are ready to be honest with each other. Unless there's truth and trust. Unless there's transparency. I am ashamed to say, I have never been honest, in a way, that I have always kept myself aloof, hidden. I have never been vulnerable. I was too scared to be vulnerable. I don't think I ever did justice to any of those guys. Cause while they lay there bare, naked emotions and dreams, heart and mind, I heard and looked, but I hid myself cause I was so afraid.


I am not strong (unlike what friends think) or perfect (no one anyway thinks that) or even close to perfect (not even that). I am flawed, blemished and hurt and weak and sappy, extremely silly, confused, and really really scared. And I am a coward (And you'd never know it). Right now, being vulnerable is the hardest thing for me. But I need to be okay with being vulnerable. I need to be okay with being seen as flawed and imperfect. I need to stop being scared and evasive and, unemotional. Really! For the love of God, am I making this into a very trashy melodrama? Oh, who am I fooling! It's tougher than climbing the everest. Being Vulnerable. Cause I have never done it. Good lord!

But I guess, this is the first step toward me being vulnerable. It begins right here for me. I need to hit that publish button! :|

Alright, look, I don't like hogging all the limelight. Let's hear you talk now, okay starfruit? Humour me.


P.S: I am going to so regret eating grapes tomorrow morning.

P.S.S: Munira, I am so envious of you. You could always so easily be vulnerable.You always stood there fearless with your flaws, joked about them even, and you so easily shared your fears. You could so easily cry about your failures and I wouldn't shed one tear, lest I be seen weak. You could so easily talk about your shortcomings, about your imperfections, and that endeared you to me, to everyone I know. Even when you were so wrong, you never judged yourself. And I always envied you for that quality of yours. Never lose it.