Everyone wants that love marriage, where you meet "the one", your soul mate and then decide to get married cause you can not stay away from each other, no never, and so you tie the knot that will keep you together always, forever, la-la-la. And having found the love of one's life, one imagines oneself in a red Mercedes convertible driving into a brilliant sunset, with one's hair flying in the wind (and maybe one can surely add a flimsy Audrey Hepburn-esque scarf flying in the wind for added aesthetics.) How romantic and all that one thinks. On the other hand, no one desires an arranged marriage, for it is so cold, for that's how it appears, very cold and very businesslike. Where you meet random people, decide to get to know each other over a cup of chai/coffee and then talk over phone and if you're lucky meet in person to dissect the other's character and coldly weigh his/her "value" and if he/she fits the bill, get married. But something similar happens in love marriages. You meet a random person, maybe at a party, maybe in college, maybe at work and decide to talk and then maybe get to know each other over a cup of coffee and then blah blah...you know the deal. Yet, we look at arranged marriages with such trepidation, and love marriages with our rose-tinted glasses. I wonder why such unfair treatment?
Probably because in a love marriage, you know the person well enough(get to know in "biblical sense" too?) and you know for sure that this is what you want, this is who you want to be with. In an arranged marriage, how well can you really get to know the other person during the courtship period?
The first thing that went through my mind when I thought about arranged marriages was-sex. I can be all modest and choose to ignore it, but it's an important aspect of a romantic relationship and I have seen couples break up, after 2 years, cause the girl wasn't ready to commit fully or the guy was no good. Physical compatibility is as important as emotional and intellectual compatibility and while you can judge a person's emotional nature and find out if you both match intellectually by talking to them and spending time with them, there's no sure way of knowing if you'll click in the bedroom department as well, unless you actually give it a shot. Which surely can not happen in an arranged marriage (You can't be kissing every guy your parents/friends approve!). So essentially you enter into an arranged marriage with your fingers crossed, hoping that you both will be great together. Definitely loads of luck and some divine intervention I thought.
After talking to a lot of people, it seemed like, yes, it was one of the main drawbacks of an arranged marriage. A colleague from work is in the process of getting a divorce 'cause apparently the guy had some problem. Another one is getting a divorce after two years cause the guy still refuses to do it with her. A friend's friend has got a divorce 'cause the guy refused to even get near her. And when my best friend got married, I did wonder if she would be comfortable doing it on her first night. Wouldn't it be weird, I thought, to get intimate with someone with whom you've never been intimate, at all? And say if you do get intimate and find out that it was a total dud and then what? What a damper that would be! And you're stuck now, cause you're married! ***
And so I told H about my doubts. And what he said made much sense, atleast to me, though I think I have yet to fully figure this thing out. Physical attraction is a tricky thing. You can never know. A friend recently told me that she had the most awesome time with a fat guy, and she never ever even dreamt of going anywhere near a fat, sloppily dressed guy. Forget a fat guy, I feel zilch attraction toward even some of the good-looking, impeccably dressed guys. I was looking for some kind of pattern that I can trust to guide me. But can you really know? Can you ever guess who can take you on a ride in the clouds and who will leave you staring at the ceiling? What however, one has noticed is that physical attraction comes when you like the person, really like the person. Physical intimacy comes when there's emotional intimacy.
I remember a guy friend once told me, I loosely paraphrase, to seduce a woman touch not her skin, but her mind. When I look back, I realize, the guys I have strongly been attracted to, physically, I have most definitely been very very strongly attracted to their minds. I remember liking a guy, who, what shall I say, wasn't exactly James Dean in the looks department, but I loved him, cause I was so seduced by his mind. Which also explains why I just can not bring myself to like this another guy, who's is physically great looking and all that but I don't remember ever going "wow" while talking to him. "Yawn" most of the time.
So there, I am still confused, but maybe one doesn't need to worry all that much about the sparks and chemistry and getting to know your partner in the biblical sense before tying the knot. Our parents, after all, did have babies, no? I guess then, strong physical attraction will be there if you like that person and are emotionally and intellectually compatible.
***Same could hold true for other qualities as well. Really that girl who comes carrying the tray, all shy and coy and salwaar-clad, do you really think she's all shy and coy and wears salwar-kameez all the time? Or for that matter, I always wonder, what would be a right response to your husband's "Have you had sex before"? If you say no, you make him happy, and you hopefully live a happy romantic married life. If you say yes, brace yourself for a barrage of questions, loads of insecurity and a possibility that it might ruin your chances of a happy romantic married life. I always wonder what guys would prefer to hear. Would they prefer to hear a no, never knowing if she was lying or being truthful, believing the best and forgetting about it or would they be okay, truly okay with hearing the truth. I know most guys will say, "I would rather you be honest with me and tell me the truth", but I wonder, deep down, if they'll really be ever okay.