Truth And Dare...

I have eaten enough grapes to make a barrel full of wine today and so I am going to use that as an excuse to totally write things I shouldn't be writing. But I do stupid things when drunk like drop cabbage in my dress and shout loudly, "There's cab in my tra, someone remove it". Or then refuse any assistance and go fall from the stairs and cry loudly much to the embarrassment of everyone. And nice friends console thinking I am crying over a guy, but in reality I am crying cause I have hurt my ass so bad, it's black-blue the next day, from the fall :|. Now that I have exhibited enough stupidity, let's play a game, shall we? Truth or Dare anyone? Oooooh, lookie! The bottle points at me! Awesome! Let's get started with it then. Without further ado, let me begin.

Are you ready then?

Okay. So it was a dark stormy night...and I was sitting by the window, my poor little window, and I wondered, like I always do. About what? What else do you think? About the only thing this blog has been hearing for the past 20 years or so (promise after this I will  write only about football, food, Laetitia Casta and maybe economics)

Anyway, heartbreaks and failed romantic relationships are a part of everyone's lives. And we always want things to work out but they don't and we are left to wonder why. If there's one word that has featured with unfailing regularity in my life, it is the word-Why (From the time I could speak, mum says, I always asked questions. Why this happens, why that happens, why I can't do that, why you can't do that, etc etc. (Yes, I have always been a pain). She had only one answer to my constant whys-I don't know. Smart her. And so, disappointed and angry I would decide to find the whys myself and I would find the answers too! Smart me too :)).


I am sure people spend much thought over why a certain friendship fails. A parent-child relationship? And I am sure many grey cells are used up pondering over why a romantic relationship failed. And I wondered too. And every time I thought, I blamed destiny. Maybe it wasn't meant to be I would say. Since we are playing truth or dare, the truth is that it isn't the truth. And I can't run away from the truth any longer. I need to face the truth and act on it. Trouble of being 26, you need to own upto things you don't want to. It's called growing up :| Anyway,  I can't be lying and cheating myself like this- by refusing to accept the truth and blaming destiny, blaming them, blaming my astrologer, blaming friends, blaming anything and everything, except myself-I need to put the blame where it belongs.


The truth is, I am scared of being in a relationship. I crave companionship and love and romance, as much as the next girl, but the minute I get close, I run away from it. I get claustrophobic. I go back and forth in my mind about wanting to be with this guy. Should I? Should I not? (Bloody nonsense!) The minute the guy shows any emotions (even supposed emotions), I freak out. Next course of action? I find flaws in him. I find reasons why things won't work. I find excuses to walk away. I look for anything that will give me a reason to run away. I just need one reason to walk away and I take it and I run with it. I walk away emotionally.


I have liked intelligent strong men. Who knew what they wanted, all along. Who were sure if they wanted to be with me, or not. It was me, who was never sure. It was me being indecisive. It was me, acting out and not wanting things and not appreciating when I had them and then crying when I didn't have them. It was me driving them to a point where they no longer were sure too.


Unnecessary drama and complication, friends will say. I agree, but at the root, it was fear acting out.


I remember heaving a sigh of relief when a certain relationship ended. And later I sat by the window and cried about it for days. Nay, months. I did the same with the next and okay, I am giving away the count now.


Thing about relationships is that it won't ever flourish, unless both people are ready to be honest with each other. Unless there's truth and trust. Unless there's transparency. I am ashamed to say, I have never been honest, in a way, that I have always kept myself aloof, hidden. I have never been vulnerable. I was too scared to be vulnerable. I don't think I ever did justice to any of those guys. Cause while they lay there bare, naked emotions and dreams, heart and mind, I heard and looked, but I hid myself cause I was so afraid.


I am not strong (unlike what friends think) or perfect (no one anyway thinks that) or even close to perfect (not even that). I am flawed, blemished and hurt and weak and sappy, extremely silly, confused, and really really scared. And I am a coward (And you'd never know it). Right now, being vulnerable is the hardest thing for me. But I need to be okay with being vulnerable. I need to be okay with being seen as flawed and imperfect. I need to stop being scared and evasive and, unemotional. Really! For the love of God, am I making this into a very trashy melodrama? Oh, who am I fooling! It's tougher than climbing the everest. Being Vulnerable. Cause I have never done it. Good lord!

But I guess, this is the first step toward me being vulnerable. It begins right here for me. I need to hit that publish button! :|

Alright, look, I don't like hogging all the limelight. Let's hear you talk now, okay starfruit? Humour me.


P.S: I am going to so regret eating grapes tomorrow morning.

P.S.S: Munira, I am so envious of you. You could always so easily be vulnerable.You always stood there fearless with your flaws, joked about them even, and you so easily shared your fears. You could so easily cry about your failures and I wouldn't shed one tear, lest I be seen weak. You could so easily talk about your shortcomings, about your imperfections, and that endeared you to me, to everyone I know. Even when you were so wrong, you never judged yourself. And I always envied you for that quality of yours. Never lose it. 

The Naked Soul...

Everyone wants that love marriage, where you meet "the one", your soul mate and then decide to get married cause you can not stay away from each other, no never, and so you tie the knot that will keep you together always, forever, la-la-la. And having found the love of one's life, one imagines oneself in a red Mercedes convertible driving into a brilliant sunset, with one's hair flying in the wind (and maybe one can surely add a flimsy Audrey Hepburn-esque scarf flying in the wind for added aesthetics.) How romantic and all that one thinks. On the other hand, no one desires an arranged marriage, for it is so cold, for that's how it appears, very cold and very businesslike. Where you meet random people, decide to get to know each other over a cup of chai/coffee and then talk over phone and if you're lucky meet in person to dissect the other's character and coldly weigh his/her "value" and if he/she fits the bill, get married. But something similar happens in love marriages. You meet a random person, maybe at a party, maybe in college, maybe at work and decide to talk and then maybe get to know each other over a cup of coffee and then blah blah...you know the deal. Yet, we look at arranged marriages with such trepidation, and love marriages with our rose-tinted glasses. I wonder why such unfair treatment?

Probably because in a love marriage, you know the person well enough(get to know in "biblical sense" too?) and you know for sure that this is what you want, this is who you want to be with. In an arranged marriage, how well can you really get to know the other person during the courtship period?

The first thing that went through my mind when I thought about arranged marriages was-sex. I can be all modest and choose to ignore it, but it's an important aspect of a romantic relationship and I have seen couples break up, after 2 years, cause the girl wasn't ready to commit fully or the guy was no good. Physical compatibility is as important as emotional and intellectual compatibility and while you can judge a person's emotional nature and find out if you both match intellectually by talking to them and spending time with them, there's no sure way of knowing if you'll click in the bedroom department as well, unless you actually give it a shot. Which surely can not happen in an arranged marriage (You can't be kissing every guy your parents/friends approve!). So essentially you enter into an arranged marriage with your fingers crossed, hoping that you both will be great together. Definitely loads of luck and some divine intervention I thought.


After talking to a lot of people, it seemed like, yes, it was one of the main drawbacks of an arranged marriage. A colleague from work is in the process of getting a divorce 'cause apparently the guy had some problem. Another one is getting a divorce after two years cause the guy still refuses to do it with her. A friend's friend has got a divorce 'cause the guy refused to even get near her. And when my best friend got married, I did wonder if she would be comfortable doing it on her first night. Wouldn't it be weird, I thought, to get intimate with someone with whom you've never been intimate, at all? And say if you do get intimate and find out that it was a total dud and then what? What a damper that would be! And you're stuck now, cause you're married! ***


And so I told H about my doubts. And what he said made much sense, atleast to me, though I think I have yet to fully figure this thing out. Physical attraction is a tricky thing. You can never know. A friend recently told me that she had the most awesome time with a fat guy, and she never ever even dreamt of going anywhere near a fat, sloppily dressed guy. Forget a fat guy, I feel zilch attraction toward even some of the good-looking, impeccably dressed guys. I was looking for some kind of pattern that I can trust to guide me. But can you really know? Can you ever guess who can take you on a ride in the clouds and who will leave you staring at the ceiling? What however, one has noticed is that physical attraction comes when you like the person, really like the person. Physical intimacy comes when there's emotional intimacy.

I remember a guy friend once told me, I loosely paraphrase, to seduce a woman touch not her skin, but her mind. When I look back, I realize, the guys I have strongly been attracted to, physically, I have most definitely been very very strongly attracted to their minds. I remember liking a guy, who, what shall I say, wasn't exactly James Dean in the looks department, but I loved him, cause I was so seduced by his mind. Which also explains why I just can not bring myself to like this another guy, who's is physically great looking and all that but I don't remember ever going "wow" while talking to him. "Yawn" most of the time.


So there, I am still confused, but maybe one doesn't need to worry all that much about the sparks and chemistry and getting to know your partner in the biblical sense before tying the knot. Our parents, after all, did have babies, no? I guess then, strong physical attraction will be there if you like that person and are emotionally and intellectually compatible.


***Same could hold true for other qualities as well. Really that girl who comes carrying the tray, all shy and coy and salwaar-clad, do you really think she's all shy and coy and wears salwar-kameez all the time? Or for that matter, I always wonder, what would be a right response to your husband's "Have you had sex before"? If you say no, you make him happy, and you hopefully live a happy romantic married life. If you say yes, brace yourself for a barrage of questions, loads of insecurity and a possibility that it might ruin your chances of a happy romantic married life. I always wonder what guys would prefer to hear. Would they prefer to hear a no, never knowing if she was lying or being truthful, believing the best and forgetting about it or would they be okay, truly okay with hearing the truth. I know most guys will say, "I would rather you be honest with me and tell me the truth", but I wonder, deep down, if they'll really be ever okay.

The Art Of Losing...

2010 was a cruel teacher. It taught me lessons I didn't want to learn, made me face truths I scarcely imagine existed, it made me look deep inside me, it showed me my ugly side but worst of all and funnily, maybe even the best, was when it pushed me into that deep dark well on whose edge I have always stood, trembling knees, shivering body and a breath stuck in my throat, 2010 finally pushed me into that well. I fell down, splintered into pieces, my happy world splattered on the walls of the well, I lay bleeding and just when I was about to breathe my last, it offered me its hand and told me to stand up again. And in all that, it gave me a precious thing: It taught me how to lose. To cope with loss. How to be completely alone, without even those who gave me birth.

*****
I remember it was summer holidays and Priya and I were loitering around in her society when we found out Pinky's mother had died. I was only in my 5th grade. I had never heard of death before. I had never seen a dead body before. I knew something like death existed, I wasn't that naive, but by all means, it was an alien concept to me.

Pinky's mom's story spread like wildfire through the town. She was in love with another man; she knew she could not marry him. Pinky's family was one of the well known families in the town and her mother's love affair had become the talk of the town. There were constant fights at home, and finally it all had led Pinky's mum to commit suicide.

I remember standing a few days later at the same spot, with Priya, where Pinky's mother had apparently lain while waiting for the morning fast train, and wondering, "Will it be my mom next?". And if so, will dad bring another mom home? Will she be like Pinky's step mother? I was afraid even before I fully understood what it meant to be afraid.

I remember sitting by the window at 2am in the night praying to god to please send Dad back home. I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving us, his threats indigestible.What would happen to us? I knew mom couldn't work. What will I tell my school friends if I had to drop out of school? I could never grapple with it.

Looking back, I realise, I have lived my entire life being afraid. Afraid that someone I love, someone I care about, someone whom I am dependent on will leave me and then what will become of me? I have lived in constant fear; fear that first parents would leave, then friends, then the men in my life.

And I never realised it, but this fear was all pervasive, under the covers, invisible, but always present. Subconsciously affecting everything I did. I loved people more than I loved myself. Not because I am noble, but because I was selfish. I loved them, 'cause I was scared they would leave me. So I loved them. So I could keep them with me, close to me. And I never learnt to cope with loss. My losing mechanism permanently damaged, broken.

That acquaintance I don't give a rat's ass about? Let him stop talking to me and see how I go in my panic mode. I can't handle it. I can't see anyone walking out of my life. Why do I care so much about what others think of me? 'Cause I can't afford to have them think bad about me. Cause wouldn't that mean they would just leave me? I ran after people who didn't matter, after fake friendships, after hollow relationships, 'cause though they didn't matter, and somewhere I knew they didn't matter, I could never be okay with losing anyone. I hoarded relationships, people, like an ant would hoard food, saving it for a cold wintry evening.


So much energy lost in preserving friendships that didn't matter. So much love lost. So much time spent in mending broken relationships that weren't ever meant to be. So much lost, in this quest for not losing.


And then one day you realise you anyway have lost it all. You anyway have lost them all. You don't have them after all that running around, after all that begging, pleading, loving. And you sit dumbfounded and you realise how truly alone you are. And that's how everyone is. And that, it's okay.

And that's what you learn, when you learn to fend for yourself, you understand that nothing bad can ever happen.You can still survive.

*****
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.


--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
--Elizabeth Bishop

An Honest Word...

So much to think about, so much to talk about, so much to write about...so much!:)

But just one lesson: Don't be scared to expect the best.

*****
It hurts, I feel very very sad, but the truth is that you have left my world. And the one person with whom I could share my sadness has left me too.

*****
And no matter what happens, no matter what fucking happens, a woman never forgets that one guy she truly loved. She still weeps in the dark, sobs in the arms of her best friend and she still thinks about him, everyday. Everyday.

*****
Why do you want to get married he asked. We hated each other. But we were talking now and I would be lying if I said I did not like it much. He is against marriage. Never wants to get married. I looked at him, him trying really hard to sound confident and look all nonchalant. You know the "I am a stud and I can bang 50 chicks at even 40, why do I need marriage" look? He had one. And he looked good with it too.

Companionship I said. I want someone to share my life with. I am lonely.

He made some joke out of it and started digressing. Changed the topic, I let him. But just for one second, just for one second, before the shutters came down, I saw his vulnerable side. He was as lonely and as scared.

Somewhere, yes, it felt good.

*****
Don't ignore the one who has it, to make the one who does not have it feel good. The one who has it, probably needs some loving too.

Eryngium...

"Pretty is something you're born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective."

*****
People hate me when they meet me for the first time (and sometimes they continue to do so ever after, well, who's stopping them anyway?). And I realise it's because I am always challenging the world. To prove to me that their worthy enough.


I realise it's mighty arrogant of me to do so. I believe both my respect and love are precious and I certainly am not going to dole it out to any tom, dick or harry.


But all these past months, as I sat there with pieces of me, trying to glue me back, I realised, I wanted them to be nice to me too. Give me another chance. A second chance. A third chance. A fourth even.


I wanted them to understand me. To say, "It's alright. You're okay. I am not going to judge you." To accept me.


I guess I am never going to judge anyone so quickly and as harshly ever again. You really can not know anyone. You really can not know where they are coming from. Why they behave the way they do. Their eccentricities, their fetishes, their interests, their likes, their dislikes, their anger, their love. No, not as quickly. Not so superficially, you can not look and know. You'll never know why they made the decisions they did. Why they made the choices they did. You'll never know what choices they had in front of them. If they had a choice at all.


You'll never know unless you stop judging them.


Give someone another chance today. Maybe to the one you think does not deserve it. Maybe he's the one who really needs it.