RhythmBox...

Okay so I have a problem. The problem is that even at 26 I don't know how to behave with guys who like me but whom I do not like. It's a problem because more often than not they are friends. Friends I like. But then they start showing more than friendly affection and I just get the creeps and I start with my "weird" behaviour. What is my weird behavior? Well, I ignore them, I don't return their calls, I avoid looking at them, I stop hanging out with them, I stop finding them funny, I frown at them when I catch them staring at me, I especially hate it when they act all "nice" to me ( :| ), and if they still don't get the hints, I act rude. And I honestly hate it. And it's worse when he's a good friend and has a girlfriend who likes me and looks upto me. I feel bad cause only one thing happens, they start hating me eventually and I lose out on good guy friends. I don't know how to rebuff their affections in a way such that I don't hurt them and keep them as friends too. I usually make a mess out of the whole thing! 

I remember I once told a friend that I don't like anyone liking me or loving me without my consent. His reaction was pretty normal and expected: WTF. I know! I know! But my problem is that I do not want anyone buying me gifts, treating me "special", worrying after me unless I like him. And definitely not have him act like his my personal servant, irrespective of whether I like him or not. With other guy friends I want to be treated like one of the guys. I don't have problems accepting compliments, I just have a problem accepting it from guys who are firmly in the friends category! :| Oh I am such a nut! And such a weird contradiction! And such a bitch! Why can't I be like other girls and accept all that extra attention? And preen and bat my eyelids and giggle? if not all that, why can't I just graciously accept it and just be okay about it all? Why do I have to act all weird? Arghhh! I don't know what will become of me! I truly do not!

An Honest Word...

So much to think about, so much to talk about, so much to write about...so much!:)

But just one lesson: Don't be scared to expect the best.

*****
It hurts, I feel very very sad, but the truth is that you have left my world. And the one person with whom I could share my sadness has left me too.

*****
And no matter what happens, no matter what fucking happens, a woman never forgets that one guy she truly loved. She still weeps in the dark, sobs in the arms of her best friend and she still thinks about him, everyday. Everyday.

*****
Why do you want to get married he asked. We hated each other. But we were talking now and I would be lying if I said I did not like it much. He is against marriage. Never wants to get married. I looked at him, him trying really hard to sound confident and look all nonchalant. You know the "I am a stud and I can bang 50 chicks at even 40, why do I need marriage" look? He had one. And he looked good with it too.

Companionship I said. I want someone to share my life with. I am lonely.

He made some joke out of it and started digressing. Changed the topic, I let him. But just for one second, just for one second, before the shutters came down, I saw his vulnerable side. He was as lonely and as scared.

Somewhere, yes, it felt good.

*****
Don't ignore the one who has it, to make the one who does not have it feel good. The one who has it, probably needs some loving too.

Funny Tomatoes...

How you treat those who love(romantic) you but whom you don't is the real test of nice. And by that standard, I am a real horrible girl#ConfessionOfTheDay

Santa On Wheels...

It's when you can't control what your fingers type, that you know what you're heart really yearns for.

*****
I will not do what you expect me to do.

That will be my triumph and that will be the cause of my fall. That will be me.

*****
If misery was some sort of drug, I'd be snorting it everyday.

*****
If I would sell my dreams, I'd be rich. There'd be many buyers. There'd be an auction and the highest bidder would be the king of Neverland.

But I'll keep them, my dreams, and die poor.

*****
We will. One day. That's a promise. And I'll be wearing pink.

The Bridges Of Life...

Most people love with their heart. I want to love with my mind, soul and heart.

*****
I really want to go back to being 22 today. I don't think I have ever felt so desperate to bring the old days back. Ever.

*****
I have always gone after the wrong things, wrong people. I have wasted all these years, chasing all the wrong things.

And it crushes me to know that.

*****
I have always been a dreamer. I have always dreamt of another world that does not exist and I fear, never will.

Unsent Letters...

I think I fell a little in love with you when you read that story to me in the bus. No one has ever read to me. And you reading that story to me, in Hindi, it is without a doubt one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. And the memory of it still makes me smile.


(Inspired from this. Do read.)

A Morning...

An uncle in my building passed away today. He was not that old, maybe 50, but had suffered a bypass and had been keeping ill for sometime now. I never talked to uncle, I don't even really remember his face. I am not the social kinds, much to mum's chagrin. All mum's society friends think I am snobbish, but really, I just don't know what to say to them, and smiles don't come easy these days. It's sad, but that's how things stand.


So here I was dreaming away, sitting by my window, and I realized, downstairs they were taking away his body. It felt cruel to be dreaming, when a soul had passed away, when someone's daughter was crying, when someone's wife was desolate, a family was mourning.


You know, how you're always so sure you are going to have the people you have in our life all your life? Like you never think about it. Your family, your friends, you think they are there for you...forever. But what happens when they leave you? What happens when they leave when they are not supposed to leave? When their time is not done...not according to you atleast?


People have come and gone like breeze in my life. Always leaving me behind, they have gone after their dreams, their destinations, to their people. I am used to being left alone. I am used being left behind. There is shock and there's hurt and there's immense anger when they leave. Specially when they were not supposed to leave. Specially when you're not ready to let them go. Specially when you need them. But you are never given a choice.


I have learnt to spend every minute I have with them keeping in mind that they could go any time, with a notice or without one. That the time I have with them will never come back and that I might not get any more in the future too. They might give you enough time to reconcile with the fact that they will no longer be a part of your life, like an ill parent, you'll have enough time to prepare for the eventuality, or like a friend who decides he/she doesn't want to be a part of your life any more, just like that, they might go without a notice. But one day they all have to go. I have made peace with it.


It's a funny thing. Praveen used to say to me that I am a girl with many emotional needs. I have a rainbow of emotions. Which is why I always needed these people around me. Each one different from the other, each one special. Each one in my life had a purpose and a meaning. Each one meant something to me, each one provided in some way. But slowly they all left. And I am learning to fend for myself. My emotions. I am learning to take care of my own emotional needs all by myself. It's not easy, you'll feel lonely more often than you'd like to feel, even for an introvert, but that's how life is. It teaches you things you rather not learn.

*****
The first thing M says these days is "get married". That's how he starts his conversations with me. Maybe he can read what I refuse to acknowledge. And what he says makes sense. Then P and H and a whole bunch of friends have started counselling too. Before going on Caribbean holiday sister gave gyaan on how I should marry now and have kids before it's all too late. And look, ups and downs will be there, she says, but one must do what one must do. And then she said something very cruel, and I hated hearing it. But it's true. Like a wanderer, how long will I go from one guy to another? When will I make a home for myself?


The other day I was making breakfast and mum was sipping her chai, and then in a very unsure voice she says, "Do you like anyone? If you do, why don't you introduce him?" And I went all "huh? what hit you?" Mum has talked about marriage before, and every time she did, I cried like a 3 year old who did not want to be sent away to hostel. Yes, I cried, I bawled and I told her not to talk about such stuff to me. But this time I realised I needed to talk. So I told her I used to like someone and had thought I wanted to spend my whole life with him. But he did not. And so we had a big discussion, she sympathized, showed concern, advised and told me to think about marriage. And I told her I needed time but that I'll give it a thought. She seemed to be okay with it. I guess she was just happy I did not cry this time.


Was speaking to G yesterday. And what she said, much to my dread, made sense. Yes, compromises will have to be made. You have to make peace with things you do not like. He smokes? Too bad, you have to "accept" it. He does not take you out on romantic dinners, too bad, but atleast he offers to help you in the kitchen. Yes, no one is perfect. Like someone said on twitter,

There is no one soulmate. No one true love. No one perfect someone. Its all about you getting tired of chasing the perfection. And so any two people are perfect for each other given the right compromises, or disastrous together given the right circumstances.

They are people like you and me, all same, with just different shades. And it all comes down to, how much more longer are you willing to walk alone?