New Year Resolution...

With new year you itch make drastic life-changing changes in your life. Eating healthy, dating only good guys, going to the gym are on everyone's list, but my biggest change is moving to Tumblr! :)

I guess I just got bored of Blogger and needed something new to get me to start writing again. And although I haven't blogged in years, I am going to make an effort to post something atleast once a week! And no sad, cry-baby posts! Promise! Visit me at: http://limesandoranges.tumblr.com/

Evaporate...

And one day it will resurface. One day, the chains will break and it will rise up again. Floating gently. Laughing mercilessly. Making you run for cover.


But where will you hide?


The sound of a fast train. The smallness of the room. The not-so-broken bones.


It's everywhere.


You can't hide a dead body forever, even in the wide blue ocean. It will rise up.

Up.


Up.


Up.

Pillow Talk...

Love does a lot of things - good and bad. But what most people will not tell you is that love makes you forget who you are.


You're not a couple. You're an individual loving another individual.

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Melody...

It astounds me, it shouldn't, but every time it happens, it still does. We're still such animals. We talk about being the most intelligent living being on this planet and still - we don't know better. We can't control ourselves. We use big words and lofty arguments instead of pacifying the hurt with a gentle touch, a warm hug, an understanding smile, with love. We think we are so evolved. But what is intelligent about anger? What is noble about yelling? Why do we not listen? Why do we drown their voice, with ours, louder, harsher, meaner. Listen.



I am not proud of you. 

Sugar Baby...

It's that time again - fever and that itch to write again - anything. Just something.

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I am quite irked btw. Why is that we find it so difficult to accept that we're not always, 100% right? Why does being wrong fluster us so much. I mean you can be an intelligent man but not know everything. You can be a well read, smart girl but not have all the answers. What's wrong with not knowing everything? Why have we burdened ourselves with such high expectations? We must excel at everything, know the answers to every goddamn question. And we get so flustered when we don't know the answers. It's OK. No one can and should know all the answers.

I think I find it far more sexy when a man, shrugs his shoulders and says coolly, that yes, he does not have all the answers. And listens.

There is something cool and sexy about knowing and being comfortable with this knowing that you could be wrong, that you don't know everything, that you're still learning. There's something incredibly charming when one smiles and says, fine, what's the correct answer. Something incredibly attractive when one can still maintain their cool when proved wrong and still be open to listening, and not clamor to prove themselves right.

But that's just me, I could be wrong.

The Girl With The Half Teacup...

It's been such a long time since I have come here, that I don't know how or where to start...

And in fact, I started forming thoughts in my head and then went ahead and listened to "Somewhere Over The Mountains" and felt happy that I decided why rant? But then why not? :P

Anyway, I have realised something about life that should have been obvious to me -  but somehow, I never quite got it. And it's that in life, you have to ask for things you want. And that no one will give them to you unless you ask. Even though you very well deserve it. Even though everyone knows you deserve it. It's not going to come till you ask.

You want a promotion - ask for it. You want your partner to give you gifts - ask for it. You want more love, more appreciation - ask for it. You want more from your colleagues - ask for it. You want more from life - ASK for it!

It's funny now that I think of it that I have been always giving but never asking. P would come and tell me he's unhappy with me, that he's not getting anything from this relationship and I'd be oh, let me give more. But wait, why did I never turn around and ask for things I deserved and needed and was never getting? Why was I always just saying, yes, sorry, I need to put in more. Why did I never ask for more love? Why was I ever okay with scraps? Why?


And then, why should I feel bad when I don't get promoted? So I go about putting all those extra hours, working like a dog, loyal to the boot, doing all that good smart work but do I ever say - give me something in return? No. I don't. And so I shouldn't feel bad. Why should I when I never asked for that promotion just expected it? I just assume that the other person would realise all the good work I have done and reward me. But that seldom happens - no one cares that much. You have to ask.


When I see all my girl friends gushing over all the pretty gifts they get - from friends, family, lovers, colleagues, employers - I wonder - why do I never get gifts? I have got some gifts, sure - but never have I been overwhelmed with gifts - they always trickle in. And wait, whom have I to blame but me? Who tells people it's okay not to get anything for me? Who tells poeple it's okay not to get a gift? Who tells people, "Oh no, I can't take this, it is too expensive!". Who but me? What a stupid idiot! I love gifts - give me more gifts is what I should be saying - but I don't. I just smile and feel sad and wonder why does no one ever gift me?

I am not saying I want to turn into one of those kinds who are always expecting people to pay for them, load them with gifts and in turn give back nothing. No. But I think I see the problem now. What does a gift symbolise to you? To me it symbolises confidence. And I want to reach that point where I feel confident and deserving of all love and appreciation. Right now, I think I feel less deserving of all those gifts.


And I think I never ask - cause somewhere in my head - I think I am not special enough to warrant  a gift - somewhere I think I don't deserve it - I don't deserve to be treated special, treated with extra attention and care and love. I feel that I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, nice enough for people to spend their money, time, love, effort in making me feel happy. That I am doing nothing great at work to get that promotion. That I am not loving enough to get love back in return.


I used to think I am such a cool gf, such a cool wife, such a cool friend, employee - that I never burden you with expectations. I never demand gifts, that I am cool with not getting anything on my birthday - not even a cake - not even flowers - I love flowers and ask and ask and ask - and no one ever gets me flowers - somewhere I pretend to be this chilled out person. But who am I kidding? I am not. I just lack self-confidence.

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I also think that the person giving the gift gets more pleasure - if given willingly - than the person receiving it. I think we "allow" people to give us gifts. I think when we left people give us a gift - it says two things, one, that you're special and that you can give me a gift and I'll accept it and two, that I think I am special enough to receive a gift. Sounds strange I know. But when we receive that gift - with so much joy and yay's and thank you's - and you're so awesome - I love this - I think we give them more than we get.

We're Like This Only...

I hate how vegetarians try to make non-vegetarians feel guilty for order/earing non-veg food. No one's asking you to pay for my meal, how dare you lecture me on what I should eat or not eat? I don't tell you what you should eat, why then do you think it;'s okay to tell me what to do? Like who the fuck are you to tell me what to do anyway?

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We just don't understand the concept of "private", do we? We ask people the most private and personal of things without batting an eyelid...we have no manners and no qualms in making the other person feel any sort of discomfort and worst of all - we fucking don't want to learn! When told that it's extremely rude to ask people personal questions - they will simply say - please, ussmein kya hain - we're in not in the US of A. Arghh!

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The way people drive/ride these days? Crazy mofos will end up dying and killing someone! But no one gives a fuck - cause no one cares!

I think I know why people don't care about driving safely, don't care about following rules etc - cause in India - we put money before lives. No one gives a fuck if 1-2 people die in our overpopulated country - but money? We lose 100 rupees and you'll see the strongest of men crying over it. So we don't care if we come under the car thanks to the rash/blind driving - or even kill someone - 'cause you just run away from the scene - you get a couple of bruises but you don't shell out any money. Worst case scenario - you bribe the hawaldar. There, life's sorted for you.

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I so want a traffic god - who would suddenly appear from the skies - larger than life - huge monster like figure - and slap the shit out of these people on the road and ask them, why the fuck did you jump the signal? Why can't you follow lane discipline, why pray god why can you stop the honking?

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I don't need to say it, I don't like Indians a lot. Yeah yeah, we're warm and nice and look we live alongside Muslims and Christians and yada yada - but we live like pigs. Like animals. Like creatures from down under the stone. We have no pride. We have no respect for life. We don't care about others. We have no sensitivity towards others - we infact don't even care about our own selves! We live inferior lives and still boast that we might not live in the best of the countries in the world but we live like kings and queens in our own. Ya right. We live like kings & queens in a frog pond. And that's where we will always stay if we don't aspire to become better - to accept that we are wrong - to want to learn, to improve.


And don't give me population is the root of all evil again. That's just not acceptable to me. You don't have to go through all this pain, this daily humiliation, this daily torture - you just choose to!.

The thing with pain is that you can't stop it unless you have had enough of it - unless you reach your saturation point and realise that's it, you can't take it no more - that point sadly for us is not yet come. Till then, we will live in denial - like kings & queens - in our frogland. 

Pots & Pans...

You know what, wtf! It's 1:15am and I feel like I have let myself go - like you know - I have tamed myself. Started sugarcoating things, smiling at people I dislike and doing things I don't want to, generally became one lazy sloth who doesn't give a fuck about herself and her life. Why why why! I ask myself at 1:15am and all my mind says,"16 mins before you get another life" (on Candy Crush) - or then window shopping for clothes I can't afford and probably will never wear!

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Anyway, did I tell you I am getting married? No? Well, looks like I am.

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I always thought being married will be a big deal - as in it is a very big deal - but I always thought I would write like a 2 page essay on "How I feel now that I am getting married". But well - I don't feel like writing the essay. Maybe cause it has not yet sunk in.

Actually it has. I am super scared. You know in most marriages, it's the guy who's all scared and commitment phobic and all? I think in my case, the guy's pretty okay - atleast seems so - it's the girl, that's me!, who's all scared and jittery - not about the guy - but just about the whole "marriage" thing. At the same time I feel a little bit married already.

I think I am more scared of losing my freedom than the guy is - though he's promised I can get up any minute and go to Himalaya's if that's what I want to - so that's cool. Yes, that's why I am getting married to him, cause he's cool like that.

So one big confused scared excited happy mess I am right now.

Wait - got life. Be back.

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Also, I need to start reading again! I feel like a fake these days. Every time I see a book - I get scared of saying "I love books" - cause although I do still love them - I have been cheating on them with everything from candy crush to mindless pinterest to internet shopping to negative thoughts.

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I need to stop getting scared of marriage. Like stop being paranoid. The fear is robbing me of the joy of "getting married". The excitement of being with that one person you love and want to spend the entire life with. All that fluttery feeling, the counting of days, the day dreaming!

And some very essential beauty sleep!

Douse...

The weight of crushed dreams will crush you, yes, but the pain of being stripped naked of your dignity, that...that will kill you.

Into The Sunset...

Sorry to have wasted your time, he said, and walked away without any ceremony, without a backward glance at her, without a loving word.

She stood there, where she has always been. Alone.

Mountains Of Molehills...

When have I ever got things easily? Never. Always, it's been me struggling, fighting, putting in tears and sweat and they still won't happen. Which is when, I give up, I get tired of wanting and not having. I walk away. 

After getting punched in the face so many times, one day, you sit down after that bad blow and wonder, what, what have you been doing so wrong? You've been wanting something really bad. That's what. Finally through the tears you realize  that if it's meant to happen, it will. What does wanting something change? Nothing. Will or not. There's nothing left for you to do but make peace with it.

Now Or Never...

Even if the house at the end of the road is beautiful...I don't want it...if the road that took me there hurt me, I don't want to live there...

A Short Guide To Being Pathetic

Caveat: Writing this at odd 2:30 am, expect a lot of ranting.

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It's funny how you can still feel lonely even with a house full of people.

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All right, if I am going to rant, let me get straight to it: I am not happy right now. Nothing more to say there. I don't know why things have to be so complicated, always, why can't for once there be no drama and life went on without any hiccups?

I hate fights. I am not like A, who can fight and then not speak for days with someone. I always had issues with not talking with loved ones. It just makes me feel...not complete. Not right. So while I sit in the living room, staring at the ceiling, I realised I am unhappy and bored of life. And I am hoping to spot a ghost or two today. That's the only way I can add some excitement back in my life.

What with the movie Talassh (which I found a huge letdown), I am hoping my unhappiness levels are high enough for a few good souls to drop by for a cuppa.

And then again, I have not felt this wrong or dissatisfied with my body ever. Not only have I gained considerable weight, just bordering on "fat", but also, I have been falling ill every week, without fail. Sometimes, it's your everyday flu, something it's Vertigo, sometimes it's gastroenteritis sometimes it's something else. It's like everything is crashing on my head and my body is crumbling under it.

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Matrimony, a topic that has never gone down well with me, is looming larger these days. A little comfort that some of best friends are also unmarried yet, helps, but still, I need to take that step, what with the 28th approaching in 9 days and all that.

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Sigh, so what do I need right now? A ghost or two maybe, but also some discipline in life. For a person like me who needs to have everything orderly around her, my life's in most disorderly state right now and I am not very pleased with myself. There are things that give me happiness and help me keep going, but still, I am tired of your same old.

I want to have experiences now. The other day we played Jenga at a friend's place and you know, after a long time I enjoyed something. I screamed and laughed and got excited about something, even if it was just removing a piece of wooden block from a stack, and a bit drunk too. But I did.

That made me realise that we, as a generation, have forgotten the good old ways of having fun. These days all people do is either go to malls and spend the entire day there, with kids and all. Or then go to same old clubs and drink and dance to vacuous music and get wasted. How else can we have fun? Why has life become suck a fucking bore? Or is it just me?

The other day the bored me was on the way to work and I passed a garden, shabbily kept garden, but anyone in Mumbai would appreciate that there is open space in the first place! Anyway, there were 13-14 year old kids playing blindman's  bluff(?), a sight I hadn't seen in years! Maybe as I am growing older I am regressing, but I want to have plain old fun. I used to be such a happy kid. What happened to that happy girl?

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So, I want to have fun again, I want to feel alive again, I want to have experiences. I want to explore, I want to experiment, I want to learn and grow and laugh and discover, exhilarate and be thrilled and be amazed, hear sounds again and feel the colours pop. I want to listen and not just hear and I want to notice the details. And I want to look forward to living. I almost felt the old temptation of playing with knife and your wrist. Call me a coward, but sometimes you just don't want a break from life.


But no, I am not giving up, I am going to have goals and not just spend day after day doing nothing. I am going to paint again. And cook. I used to take pride in my cooking and it used to bring me such joy, I realise I have not cooked in months, in fact, I have not cooked since I shifted to Mumbai. And I am going to go out and meet new people and be sassy and fun and not a wimp or a needy little girl. And I am going to put things in the right box, cause that makes me happy, that brings peace to my mind, knowing there's order in my life. It makes me, perhaps, feel like I have some control on the way things are in my life and right now, it feels like I am just flowing with where the current takes me.


Everyday I look in the mirror, I am saddened, this person I have become, this is not me. I was never like this. I was so proud of myself, now I am full of excuses. I am tired of begging for scraps. I am tired of chasing and wanting. And I am tired of being disappointed. Of myself.

So it's December, my favourite month of the year and I have a plan. And I am going to make sure this plan does not remain just a plan. And so, if not ghosts, will Santa please show up?

Madness...

*28 approaching soon. "What kind of woman do you want to be?", a question that has been on my mind for some time. Jittery.

 *For the first time in my life I am actually overweight. Super sad.

* Some people, some friends are indeed for life. I am so glad you're still here, somewhere, even if not fully there.

* Surprised how some memories are still so shockingly alive.

* I don't have much to say actually, but after a long time, I just felt like coming in here, sit in these warm, musty rooms with these old familiar walls, feel the rounded corners, run my hand over the dusty furniture. Let words drown everything. Maybe, just a place where I could feel warm and familiar today.

* The girl with rainbow of emotions.

 

Deep Dish...

I am busy trying to get that damned mojo back. In the mean time, take a gander at the archives if you miss me :)

How To Make Love Stay...

Who knows how to make love stay?

1. Tell love you are going to Junior's Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if loves stays, it can have half. It will stay.

 2. Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a moustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay.

 3. Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning. ― Tom Robbins

I love this guy! :)

The Red Balloon...

Never Too Far From Crisis...

Officially changing my first name to "Drama".

Miss. Drama.

Suggestions for middle name?

A Void...

On days like these, nothing happens. I wake up late today, really late into the day, eat yesterday's dinner for lunch and begin watching a movie only to close the laptop five minutes later and nap again. I wake up and make some ginger chai and watch the 5pm sun shine on freshly washed green trees. It's a beautiful evening, but still, it feels like nothing's happening. I read. I realised I haven't read in the longest time. I read about baby carrots and how memories are really not that genuine, I read about the surfer boys in Puri and the poetic Mughal emperor who died in a foreign country. But still, time seems still. I make another pot of chai. I take the longest time to wash my hair today and now my hair smells of the Chinese shampoo. I make another cup of chai and google train schedule between Mumbai and Jammu. Did you know it takes 30 hours to travel from Mumbai to Jammu? I thought it would take a hell lot more. I salivate at all those awesome bags and shoes and dresses online. I don't buy anything, close the broswer and think about what I'd instead be doing right now. Nothing, it still feels like nothing's happening, time just doesn't seem to move. I get up and make dinner. I eat it alone. I read about emerging markets and paper clips. I decide to call it a day.

Come Away With Me...

It's that time of the year again! :)

I love this time of the year! :) Grey clouds, a view of lush green mountains and little water falls from the office balcony, unlimited ginger-lemongrass chai with hot samosas and pokoras, getting drenched in the rain with friends, and if I can, yes, even making paper boats and jumping in the puddles (this time the nephew will join too :)), driving on the expressway (the only time I feel like I am in Phoren), and then of course, watching the night, beautiful as it always is, become even more enchanting come rains, of sleeping snugly with the comforting pitter-patter sound of rain in your ears, of thunderstorms...somethings will be missed, like cuddling with your favourite person while watching the raindrops eventually become one...but others will remain same. Of just being indoors with no one but books for company. It's that time of the year again when I am the happiest :)

I must have posted Glosoli a couple of times on this blog, but I love it, and even more for the video:

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And oh no, sense prevailed :)