Pots & Pans...

You know what, wtf! It's 1:15am and I feel like I have let myself go - like you know - I have tamed myself. Started sugarcoating things, smiling at people I dislike and doing things I don't want to, generally became one lazy sloth who doesn't give a fuck about herself and her life. Why why why! I ask myself at 1:15am and all my mind says,"16 mins before you get another life" (on Candy Crush) - or then window shopping for clothes I can't afford and probably will never wear!

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Anyway, did I tell you I am getting married? No? Well, looks like I am.

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I always thought being married will be a big deal - as in it is a very big deal - but I always thought I would write like a 2 page essay on "How I feel now that I am getting married". But well - I don't feel like writing the essay. Maybe cause it has not yet sunk in.

Actually it has. I am super scared. You know in most marriages, it's the guy who's all scared and commitment phobic and all? I think in my case, the guy's pretty okay - atleast seems so - it's the girl, that's me!, who's all scared and jittery - not about the guy - but just about the whole "marriage" thing. At the same time I feel a little bit married already.

I think I am more scared of losing my freedom than the guy is - though he's promised I can get up any minute and go to Himalaya's if that's what I want to - so that's cool. Yes, that's why I am getting married to him, cause he's cool like that.

So one big confused scared excited happy mess I am right now.

Wait - got life. Be back.

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Also, I need to start reading again! I feel like a fake these days. Every time I see a book - I get scared of saying "I love books" - cause although I do still love them - I have been cheating on them with everything from candy crush to mindless pinterest to internet shopping to negative thoughts.

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I need to stop getting scared of marriage. Like stop being paranoid. The fear is robbing me of the joy of "getting married". The excitement of being with that one person you love and want to spend the entire life with. All that fluttery feeling, the counting of days, the day dreaming!

And some very essential beauty sleep!

Douse...

The weight of crushed dreams will crush you, yes, but the pain of being stripped naked of your dignity, that...that will kill you.

Into The Sunset...

Sorry to have wasted your time, he said, and walked away without any ceremony, without a backward glance at her, without a loving word.

She stood there, where she has always been. Alone.

Mountains Of Molehills...

When have I ever got things easily? Never. Always, it's been me struggling, fighting, putting in tears and sweat and they still won't happen. Which is when, I give up, I get tired of wanting and not having. I walk away. 

After getting punched in the face so many times, one day, you sit down after that bad blow and wonder, what, what have you been doing so wrong? You've been wanting something really bad. That's what. Finally through the tears you realize  that if it's meant to happen, it will. What does wanting something change? Nothing. Will or not. There's nothing left for you to do but make peace with it.

Now Or Never...

Even if the house at the end of the road is beautiful...I don't want it...if the road that took me there hurt me, I don't want to live there...

A Short Guide To Being Pathetic

Caveat: Writing this at odd 2:30 am, expect a lot of ranting.

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It's funny how you can still feel lonely even with a house full of people.

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All right, if I am going to rant, let me get straight to it: I am not happy right now. Nothing more to say there. I don't know why things have to be so complicated, always, why can't for once there be no drama and life went on without any hiccups?

I hate fights. I am not like A, who can fight and then not speak for days with someone. I always had issues with not talking with loved ones. It just makes me feel...not complete. Not right. So while I sit in the living room, staring at the ceiling, I realised I am unhappy and bored of life. And I am hoping to spot a ghost or two today. That's the only way I can add some excitement back in my life.

What with the movie Talassh (which I found a huge letdown), I am hoping my unhappiness levels are high enough for a few good souls to drop by for a cuppa.

And then again, I have not felt this wrong or dissatisfied with my body ever. Not only have I gained considerable weight, just bordering on "fat", but also, I have been falling ill every week, without fail. Sometimes, it's your everyday flu, something it's Vertigo, sometimes it's gastroenteritis sometimes it's something else. It's like everything is crashing on my head and my body is crumbling under it.

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Matrimony, a topic that has never gone down well with me, is looming larger these days. A little comfort that some of best friends are also unmarried yet, helps, but still, I need to take that step, what with the 28th approaching in 9 days and all that.

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Sigh, so what do I need right now? A ghost or two maybe, but also some discipline in life. For a person like me who needs to have everything orderly around her, my life's in most disorderly state right now and I am not very pleased with myself. There are things that give me happiness and help me keep going, but still, I am tired of your same old.

I want to have experiences now. The other day we played Jenga at a friend's place and you know, after a long time I enjoyed something. I screamed and laughed and got excited about something, even if it was just removing a piece of wooden block from a stack, and a bit drunk too. But I did.

That made me realise that we, as a generation, have forgotten the good old ways of having fun. These days all people do is either go to malls and spend the entire day there, with kids and all. Or then go to same old clubs and drink and dance to vacuous music and get wasted. How else can we have fun? Why has life become suck a fucking bore? Or is it just me?

The other day the bored me was on the way to work and I passed a garden, shabbily kept garden, but anyone in Mumbai would appreciate that there is open space in the first place! Anyway, there were 13-14 year old kids playing blindman's  bluff(?), a sight I hadn't seen in years! Maybe as I am growing older I am regressing, but I want to have plain old fun. I used to be such a happy kid. What happened to that happy girl?

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So, I want to have fun again, I want to feel alive again, I want to have experiences. I want to explore, I want to experiment, I want to learn and grow and laugh and discover, exhilarate and be thrilled and be amazed, hear sounds again and feel the colours pop. I want to listen and not just hear and I want to notice the details. And I want to look forward to living. I almost felt the old temptation of playing with knife and your wrist. Call me a coward, but sometimes you just don't want a break from life.


But no, I am not giving up, I am going to have goals and not just spend day after day doing nothing. I am going to paint again. And cook. I used to take pride in my cooking and it used to bring me such joy, I realise I have not cooked in months, in fact, I have not cooked since I shifted to Mumbai. And I am going to go out and meet new people and be sassy and fun and not a wimp or a needy little girl. And I am going to put things in the right box, cause that makes me happy, that brings peace to my mind, knowing there's order in my life. It makes me, perhaps, feel like I have some control on the way things are in my life and right now, it feels like I am just flowing with where the current takes me.


Everyday I look in the mirror, I am saddened, this person I have become, this is not me. I was never like this. I was so proud of myself, now I am full of excuses. I am tired of begging for scraps. I am tired of chasing and wanting. And I am tired of being disappointed. Of myself.

So it's December, my favourite month of the year and I have a plan. And I am going to make sure this plan does not remain just a plan. And so, if not ghosts, will Santa please show up?

Madness...

*28 approaching soon. "What kind of woman do you want to be?", a question that has been on my mind for some time. Jittery.

 *For the first time in my life I am actually overweight. Super sad.

* Some people, some friends are indeed for life. I am so glad you're still here, somewhere, even if not fully there.

* Surprised how some memories are still so shockingly alive.

* I don't have much to say actually, but after a long time, I just felt like coming in here, sit in these warm, musty rooms with these old familiar walls, feel the rounded corners, run my hand over the dusty furniture. Let words drown everything. Maybe, just a place where I could feel warm and familiar today.

* The girl with rainbow of emotions.