It's been such a long time since I have come here, that I don't know how or where to start...
And in fact, I started forming thoughts in my head and then went ahead and listened to "Somewhere Over The Mountains" and felt happy that I decided why rant? But then why not? :P
Anyway, I have realised something about life that should have been obvious to me - but somehow, I never quite got it. And it's that in life, you have to ask for things you want. And that no one will give them to you unless you ask. Even though you very well deserve it. Even though everyone knows you deserve it. It's not going to come till you ask.
You want a promotion - ask for it. You want your partner to give you gifts - ask for it. You want more love, more appreciation - ask for it. You want more from your colleagues - ask for it. You want more from life - ASK for it!
It's funny now that I think of it that I have been always giving but never asking. P would come and tell me he's unhappy with me, that he's not getting anything from this relationship and I'd be oh, let me give more. But wait, why did I never turn around and ask for things I deserved and needed and was never getting? Why was I always just saying, yes, sorry, I need to put in more. Why did I never ask for more love? Why was I ever okay with scraps? Why?
And then, why should I feel bad when I don't get promoted? So I go about putting all those extra hours, working like a dog, loyal to the boot, doing all that good smart work but do I ever say - give me something in return? No. I don't. And so I shouldn't feel bad. Why should I when I never asked for that promotion just expected it? I just assume that the other person would realise all the good work I have done and reward me. But that seldom happens - no one cares that much. You have to ask.
When I see all my girl friends gushing over all the pretty gifts they get - from friends, family, lovers, colleagues, employers - I wonder - why do I never get gifts? I have got some gifts, sure - but never have I been overwhelmed with gifts - they always trickle in. And wait, whom have I to blame but me? Who tells people it's okay not to get anything for me? Who tells poeple it's okay not to get a gift? Who tells people, "Oh no, I can't take this, it is too expensive!". Who but me? What a stupid idiot! I love gifts - give me more gifts is what I should be saying - but I don't. I just smile and feel sad and wonder why does no one ever gift me?
I am not saying I want to turn into one of those kinds who are always expecting people to pay for them, load them with gifts and in turn give back nothing. No. But I think I see the problem now. What does a gift symbolise to you? To me it symbolises confidence. And I want to reach that point where I feel confident and deserving of all love and appreciation. Right now, I think I feel less deserving of all those gifts.
And I think I never ask - cause somewhere in my head - I think I am not special enough to warrant a gift - somewhere I think I don't deserve it - I don't deserve to be treated special, treated with extra attention and care and love. I feel that I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, nice enough for people to spend their money, time, love, effort in making me feel happy. That I am doing nothing great at work to get that promotion. That I am not loving enough to get love back in return.
I used to think I am such a cool gf, such a cool wife, such a cool friend, employee - that I never burden you with expectations. I never demand gifts, that I am cool with not getting anything on my birthday - not even a cake - not even flowers - I love flowers and ask and ask and ask - and no one ever gets me flowers - somewhere I pretend to be this chilled out person. But who am I kidding? I am not. I just lack self-confidence.
*****
I also think that the person giving the gift gets more pleasure - if given willingly - than the person receiving it. I think we "allow" people to give us gifts. I think when we left people give us a gift - it says two things, one, that you're special and that you can give me a gift and I'll accept it and two, that I think I am special enough to receive a gift. Sounds strange I know. But when we receive that gift - with so much joy and yay's and thank you's - and you're so awesome - I love this - I think we give them more than we get.
And in fact, I started forming thoughts in my head and then went ahead and listened to "Somewhere Over The Mountains" and felt happy that I decided why rant? But then why not? :P
Anyway, I have realised something about life that should have been obvious to me - but somehow, I never quite got it. And it's that in life, you have to ask for things you want. And that no one will give them to you unless you ask. Even though you very well deserve it. Even though everyone knows you deserve it. It's not going to come till you ask.
You want a promotion - ask for it. You want your partner to give you gifts - ask for it. You want more love, more appreciation - ask for it. You want more from your colleagues - ask for it. You want more from life - ASK for it!
It's funny now that I think of it that I have been always giving but never asking. P would come and tell me he's unhappy with me, that he's not getting anything from this relationship and I'd be oh, let me give more. But wait, why did I never turn around and ask for things I deserved and needed and was never getting? Why was I always just saying, yes, sorry, I need to put in more. Why did I never ask for more love? Why was I ever okay with scraps? Why?
And then, why should I feel bad when I don't get promoted? So I go about putting all those extra hours, working like a dog, loyal to the boot, doing all that good smart work but do I ever say - give me something in return? No. I don't. And so I shouldn't feel bad. Why should I when I never asked for that promotion just expected it? I just assume that the other person would realise all the good work I have done and reward me. But that seldom happens - no one cares that much. You have to ask.
When I see all my girl friends gushing over all the pretty gifts they get - from friends, family, lovers, colleagues, employers - I wonder - why do I never get gifts? I have got some gifts, sure - but never have I been overwhelmed with gifts - they always trickle in. And wait, whom have I to blame but me? Who tells people it's okay not to get anything for me? Who tells poeple it's okay not to get a gift? Who tells people, "Oh no, I can't take this, it is too expensive!". Who but me? What a stupid idiot! I love gifts - give me more gifts is what I should be saying - but I don't. I just smile and feel sad and wonder why does no one ever gift me?
I am not saying I want to turn into one of those kinds who are always expecting people to pay for them, load them with gifts and in turn give back nothing. No. But I think I see the problem now. What does a gift symbolise to you? To me it symbolises confidence. And I want to reach that point where I feel confident and deserving of all love and appreciation. Right now, I think I feel less deserving of all those gifts.
And I think I never ask - cause somewhere in my head - I think I am not special enough to warrant a gift - somewhere I think I don't deserve it - I don't deserve to be treated special, treated with extra attention and care and love. I feel that I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, nice enough for people to spend their money, time, love, effort in making me feel happy. That I am doing nothing great at work to get that promotion. That I am not loving enough to get love back in return.
I used to think I am such a cool gf, such a cool wife, such a cool friend, employee - that I never burden you with expectations. I never demand gifts, that I am cool with not getting anything on my birthday - not even a cake - not even flowers - I love flowers and ask and ask and ask - and no one ever gets me flowers - somewhere I pretend to be this chilled out person. But who am I kidding? I am not. I just lack self-confidence.
*****
I also think that the person giving the gift gets more pleasure - if given willingly - than the person receiving it. I think we "allow" people to give us gifts. I think when we left people give us a gift - it says two things, one, that you're special and that you can give me a gift and I'll accept it and two, that I think I am special enough to receive a gift. Sounds strange I know. But when we receive that gift - with so much joy and yay's and thank you's - and you're so awesome - I love this - I think we give them more than we get.